Day 12 - Maybe it's worth it after all

Last night was a tough night. I was tired from a long day. I had no energy. I had a headache. Hubs had a sore throat and was groggy from meds. This would have been the perfect night for us to say we needed comfort food and to go to our favorite bar to hang out with our favorite bartender and bury our funk into our incredible favorite burger. But we didn't. We powered through. It was more than tempting though.

On tap for dinner was butternut squash and navy bean lasagna.
Sounds delicious, doesn't it?
Nope, not one damn bit.
Lasagna should be full of meat and oozing with cheese.
I gotta get over this, don't I?
Yeah, don't hold your breath.

Organic, oil-free, spicy marinara sauce and brown rice lasagna noodles sound acceptable.
Roasted butternut squash is fine with me.
I've made butternut squash stuffed shells before - but they had goat cheese in them.
This time it's butternut squash, navy beans, tahini, lemon juice, garlic, basil, oregano, onion powder, parsley and nutritional yeast. Not so bad until you have to put it all in a food processor and chop/blend it up into a mush.  Oh yeah, and then the blender stops working with all of this chunky mess in it!!!

At this point, I just throw my hands up in the air, scream and storm off to the dining room table, possibly mumbling an obscenity or two and plop myself down in a chair, head in my hands, eyes shut and just tell myself to take a deep breath. At this point, I hear a noise and I open my eyes and see my sweet girl with a piece of spinach in her mouth. Sigh.

After my breakdown, I go back to the kitchen and, by the grace of God, the blender works just enough for me to get this stuff finished.  Then I realize that I forgot to add the spinach. Well, guess what? Spinach is going to just have to be layered on this girl's lasagna. I prepare the lasagna, or at least that's what it's called. It sure doesn't look like any lasagna I've ever made or eaten before. I put it in the oven, set it for 30 minutes and retreat to my favorite chair in Hubs' office to feed Nami her dinner, which is probably going to be better than what I'm about to serve me and my love.

Then the tears just roll. My mom has pneumonia and is four hours away. Don't worry, she's doing ok. If she wasn't, I'd be there. But the point is that I'm feeling guilty and sad because she's sick and I'm not there. I constantly miss my dad - it's like breathing- I just don't know how to stop. When I am down and defeated, I miss him even more than usual and start beating myself up. Then I start questioning if any of this "food nonsense" is worth it. What am I doing? I'm not cut out for this. I love food.  This isn't food. I miss food. I lost my Prowler. I lost my dad. My mom is sick. Now I don't even have the joy of food or cooking anymore. Why am I doing this to myself?

Then the timer to the oven goes off. No rest for the weary.
I wonder if the lasagna is done. I have no idea because I don't know what it's supposed to look like. Usually, there's tons of cheese bubbling and that's a tell-tale sign. This time there's only vegan parmesan cheese, which I made out of cashews and garlic, on top. I leave it in for 10 more minutes. What can it hurt at this point?

Right now, it would be great to pour a glass of wine - to take the edge off. Oh yeah, I gave that up for 30 days. What the hell was I thinking? I left myself no vice at all.

Well, the lasagna is cooked and it literally flops off of the spatula and onto our plates. It really doesn't have much form to it but it's done. It's also edible and it's not disgusting. It's not delicious by any means but it's not gross. The butternut squash navy bean mush has the consistency of what a ricotta cheese mixture would but it doesn't have any taste. The only taste that we get is that of the spicy marinara. I then think, what if I just used crushed tomatoes? This would be an absolutely tasteless dish. I take a deep breath, I eat my piece, and I go back for another slice because there's nothing else to eat and I'm hungry. It's not terrible. There's just nothing yummy about it. I want yummy.

Welcome to a typical night in my WFPB life! Hubs deserves a medal. It's frustrating. It's complicated. It's the unknown. I honestly can't understand how anyone can enjoy this type of food. Do they not have taste buds? Did they lose their taste buds because they have been eating this way for so long? I fear that will happen to me... that I'll adjust. As horrible as it may sound, I don't want to adjust. I don't want to enjoy food that doesn't have any flavor. I know, I haven't even been through two full weeks yet. Give it time. I'm trying. I really am.

I'm discouraged. I'm like a hamster on a wheel. Round and round. Doing the same thing over and over day after day and getting nowhere, it seems. Then this morning, I get a message from my NP at the Wellness Center. Not all of my blood work is back but some results are in and they boosted my mood sky high! The two levels that were too high and outside of the normal range have decreased substantially and my levels are in the normal range now! THIS is exactly why I decided to self impose this challenge on myself. As my NP said, "You may not be loving this way of eating, but it's working!"

Hallelujah!

Like it or not, I can't deny the results.

Maybe it's worth it after all!

Knowing those test results have at least given me the push I need to see this challenge through to the end!