A gift to yourself

2018 is almost over.  Twelve more days to reflect, release and renew.  What better way to end a year than with a full moon on Saturday, December 22! Because of the timing with the winter solstice being a day prior, this full moon's POSITIVE impact is increased!! This full moon represents a double closure AND a new beginning!! What a perfect time to reflect on our lives and relationships with the utmost clarity thanks to the sun and moon being opposite each other in the full phase!

Everyone thinks that a full moon is ominous and the bearer of all things bad and evil. That couldn't be farther from the truth! It is a time of opportunity and this last full moon of 2018 is perfect to see all the ways that our actions have led to positive outcomes! It's time to enjoy all that is good and all that we have achieved. In the same respect, as with every full moon, it is also time to sort things out and let things go! People, feelings, actions, fears! We can't really embrace a new year until we let go of the past! This last full moon of the year is going to emotionally charge us and motivate us to confidently get rid of that which doesn't serve us!!

I've never been much of a resolutions girl, but almost 10 years ago, I started my own end-of-year ritual.  Instead of making a list of what I would change or do in the upcoming year, I made a list of who I would leave behind in the current year. By purposely and consciously "leaving" someone in the previous year and not taking them with me as the clock strikes 12, I found a sense of freedom that was unrivaled. https://winefoodie.blogspot.com/2014/12/leaving-them-behind.html

This year, I took things a step further.

Starting with June's full moon, I have completed a process of letting go with EACH full moon. For seeming so simple, it has an incredibly powerful, yet different, outcome each time.  I've even helped a few others in doing the same and the release they experienced was second to none. You should try it.  I highly recommend it for everyone! One thing that I would add to this ritual is to make sure that you end it with love and forgiveness. Love and forgiveness to the person you are releasing for what they did, how they made you feel and also love and forgiveness to your self for allowing that person to continue to have this hold on you and for any reasons you may have even added to the "victimhood".

If you want to go a step further, which I had to do in some instances because the hurt was so deep seeded, write letters. I wrote individual letters to those people who I have held on to and who have caused negative or harmful emotions that I have carried with me for decades; some since childhood. I find it is often easier to write than to speak at times especially when I don't want to be interrupted. Some letters I actually sent to the individual; some I did not. I felt the need for some to realize what their actions caused and in hopes that they wouldn't allow it to happen to anyone else; especially if they have daughters.  

What's important though is to realize that you are not doing this for them - you are doing this solely for YOU. They may not like what they read but honestly, it doesn't matter.  I could feel in my gut the people who needed to read these letters I wrote. You will also. Some felt remorse, some went into defense mode and some didn't respond but none of it mattered.

What mattered is I finally felt free to be me because I finally LET IT GO!

As these last two weeks of 2018 are upon us and you're caught up in the holiday festivities, stop  pondering over potential New Year's resolutions - the ones that you'll inevitably break before January is over - and take some time to think about what you want to release so that you can instantly feel better physically and emotionally and carry THAT in to 2019. Take time to write the list (or letters) of what you want to get rid of and burn it under the full moon with me on Saturday night. 

Give yourself that gift. 

You deserve it! 

November blues of the heart

It's November. My mom and I have dreaded November since November 27, 1984.
Carlton H. Gorham. Her father. My grandfather. Lovebug. He died that day in Jefferson Memorial Hospital in Alexandria, VA and it changed both of us forever. He was only 64 and the doctor said his heart exploded.

I was at school in the 6th grade when it came over the loud speaker that I had an early dismissal and needed to come to the office. I was confused. As I left my classroom, I saw Sheila, my mom's best friend, and immediately thought something had happened to my mom but I was wrong. It was Lovebug and Mom and Dad were already at the hospital. My second mom had come to get me.  That was 15 days prior. He would never make it out of the Cardiac Care Unit.

I was only 11 and everyone thought I was too young to understand. I can still remember how mad that made me. I never got to say goodbye to the one man I adored my entire life. I remember walking past his room and he waved to me from his bed but they wouldn't let me in to see him. I knew how sick he was and all I wanted was to be with him but I was never afforded that chance. The day he died, I vowed to him, myself and my grandmother that I would spend the rest of her life making sure she was taken care of.  From a young age, they taught me the meaning of unconditional love. Until the day that my sweet ladybug left her earthly body, 29 years later, to join the love of her life, I made sure she wanted for nothing. There's nothing I wouldn't have done for her and she for me. It's the least I could do for him.

I didn't think November could ever get any worse. But, 19 years and three days later, it did. 

Sheila Pugh was my mom's best friend and my second mom. Sheila was always there. She drove me to elementary school every day in that green monster car.  I don't remember a day of living in Dale City without Sheila in it.  Her creativity and love of nature and animals rivals none - still to this day. She was supposed to plan my wedding. We had talked about it since I was a little girl. Because of being hospitalized with lung cancer, she couldn't even attend my wedding and I should have taken that as the sign of all signs and called it off. No, seriously, I should have, even if it was only a month prior. I remember sitting with her in the hospital telling her all about the wedding and giving her a framed picture.  I was still so naive but in time Sheila would tell me she knew all along he wasn't the one.

I remember watching the Redskins game that Sunday night when I got the call from her son. It was November 30, 2003 when Sheila left her frail, cancer-ravaged, earthly body for her heavenly wings. How could this be? How could she be gone at only 55 years old? Sheila was always a powerhouse of strength and fire in a tiny little body.  You never had to wonder what she was thinking or where she stood with you. What you see is what you get. I admired her more than any female I had ever met and even to this day, I still call on her for strength. My graceful, determined dragonfly, so much of how I look at life is because of you.

I hate November. I hate every single bit of it, especially towards the end of the month. It's like the whole first part of the month just looms over me waiting to collapse come the last week. It hits like a ton of bricks all over again. Can we just skip November? Can we just go from October to December? Better yet, let's skip Christmas too because it's not the same. But it never happens that way. The annual reminders always attack me as if I don't have enough daily ones leading up to that time.

Then it got worse. Yep. Wait. I bet you're wondering on how on earth it could get worse? Well, let me set the stage for you. 

On Labor Day 2016, my pride and joy, my best friend, my german shepherd, Prowler, and I made one of our all-time dreams come true. We moved to the Outer Banks of North Carolina with the love of my life and the dad of his dreams.  My parents had come down for Thanksgiving - our first Thanksgiving in our new home. On Saturday, November 26, we were waiting for the much anticipated Ohio State vs Michigan football game to begin.  I took Prowler out for a potty break and as we got to the middle landing of our home, his legs buckled under him, his eyes glazed over and he collapsed. Not wanting to relive that nightmare again (because I've done it enough the last two years), the next day, November 27, 2016, my heart on four feet, with his head on my arm, took his last breath. Hemangiosarcoma. Absolutely no warning and nothing I could do to save him. That unconditional love that my grandparents gave me was now being imparted to my sweet boy so that he wouldn't suffer and experience immeasurable pain. My heart went with him that afternoon.  As if November 27 wasn't already a nightmare enough, it just worsened exponentially.

The one stable force that was always with me and Mom during these unbearable losses was my dad. Even though he was just as devastated as we were with each one, he was strong and persevered. Even though Carlton was more of a father to him than his own. Even though Sheila was the sister he never had. Even though Prowler was the dog he always wanted as a child and was never allowed to have. Dad always had those broad shoulders and always took care of his girls.

Flash forward to 7:38 a.m. on Friday, November 24, 2017. After 21 years of kicking prostate cancer's ass, after the last two years of battling chemo and suffering life-altering side effects, after six nightmare days of in-home hospice, and after making sure he saw his beloved Redskins win a division home game on Thanksgiving day, Denny Moore, my dad, my hero, the first man I ever loved, peacefully took his last breath as I read Psalm 121 to him.

My grandfather, my second mom, my best friend and my dad all died within a seven-day span of each other over 33 years. With the passing of each one, the sense of loss, pure heartbreak and emptiness became deeper. 

November was never the same.

Thanksgiving was never the same. 

Life was never the same. 

And it never will be again. 

A rant that is overdue

Oh, you don't eat meat.

You just eat rabbit food.
How can you eat that stuff? I could never eat like that.

They say: Oh, you don't eat meat....

Usually,  I just give a blank stare or change the subject because they really don't want to hear what I have to say anyway so why waste my breath or feel like I have to defend my choices.

What I want to say: I eat meat. Just not every meal of every day. I eat less meat now than I ever have though. Why? Well, perhaps you haven't read any of my blog posts or any of my Facebook posts.  Maybe you don't listen to anything I have to say or comprehend anything you read. Maybe because you just don't care or just don't want to hear it. There are plenty of reasons why I have altered my eating habits. Primarily, it's because I want to live a healthier life and if that prolongs my life as well, that is a bonus. I want to physically look and feel better on a daily basis. I don't want to take medicine to combat what bad fats, dairy and meat products have done to my body. I'd rather just not consume the products that are known to cause those problems. I love a good smoked brisket. I love a juicy burger. I enjoy delicious pulled pork. I can throw down a greasy pepperoni and sausage pizza like someone is going to steal it from me.  I can splurge on a filet mignon. But, my choice is to not make that my choice. After my 30-day food challenge in April of this year, I chose to eat 90/10 whole food, plant based and that's what I've done.  To be honest, why do you even care that I "don't eat meat"? I'm not forcing you to do the same.

They say: You just eat rabbit food.

Usually, again, I give a blank stare and change the subject because I'm not sure what relevant or enjoyable conversation will come out of saying what I really want to say. If I tried to explain, you'd just make me defensive and it's not worth it.

What I want to say: It's not rabbit food. I had a rabbit as a pet for eight years. The staple of a rabbit's diet is timothy hay. I have never consumed timothy hay or any type of hay. I also don't chomp on carrots or eat iceberg lettuce. By the way, iceberg lettuce is the worst thing you can give a rabbit - it destroys their digestive system but you didn't know that either, did you? Iceberg lettuce has no nutritional value for humans either.  I like salads but my rabbit never had baby spinach as a meal and neither do I.  I also never gave him black beans or corn or tomatoes or sweet potatoes (although my german shepherd loved yams).  Eating whole food, plant based is not just eating salads. It's eating foods that are not processed. It's cutting out sugar which fuels cancer, by the way. It's eating fresh vegetables and fruit. I still eat pasta but it's plant based not processed carb loads. I still eat desserts and chocolate but it's organic natural ingredients. But aren't they gross? No, actually. I have had just as delicious chocolate desserts and there are not "bad for you" ingredients in any of the recipes! How do you eat desserts without sugar? Use dates for your sweetener or agave. You'd be surprised what healthy alternatives exist that serve the same purpose.

They say: How can you eat THAT stuff?

Usually, at this point, you can see blood starting to drip out the corners of my mouth for biting my tongue for so long.

What I want to say: THAT stuff? They act as if I am grazing on my backyard grass and sharing suet with the chickadees. I'm not really sure what is meant by THAT stuff but it's now when I realize that they have no idea what whole food, plant based eating consists of. No, I'm not vegan but it's sometimes easier to just say I am so they'll shut up.  Honestly, it's more restrictive than veganism. No, I'm not a vegetarian. I eat more than just vegetables.  No, I don't need a label but for some reason it makes them feel better to give me one - an inaccurate one.

They say: I could never eat like that.

Usually, I sigh and am about to scream at this point.

What I want to say: Never say never. I never thought I could or would either until my health dictated a change.  At this point, they're thinking, oh, look at you! You don't need to go on a diet. You weigh 80lbs soaking wet (which is nowhere near the truth, thank you). It's not a diet by any means. I also do not change the way I live to please others. I do it to feel good about myself because the last time I checked, I don't see them in charge of making me a better person - physically or mentally. But, they're quick to judge. But, I've realized why they react this way. Ignorance. Whenever they don't understand something, they decide to attack the person who is doing something different than what they are used to instead of trying to understand it. They don't have to eat this way. I don't care if they eat hamburgers every meal, chase it with a diet Coke and then eat ice cream and cake for dessert every night. I'm not looking down on them for how they choose to eat so why do they feel the need to put me down because I make different choices?

Making a choice to change the way you eat is just like choosing to stop smoking cigarettes. Food is an addiction. We are used to eating a certain way, certain foods, our entire life. Believe me, at 44 years old it wasn't easy to change. It wasn't easy at all. Ask Hubs or my mom who had to put up with my moaning and fits of rage for 30 days straight. But just like with quitting smoking, you have to WANT to do it. You have to WANT to change. You have to WANT to stop knowingly putting harmful substances in your body. You have to WANT to look and feel better. Your body is used to it. Your brain is used to it. You have to train it to perform and survive without those things. It sucks going through that withdrawal process. I know. I did it. But I am so much better off as a result. I lost the weight I wanted and continue to keep it off. My clothes fit better. My body feels better.  My blood work and health tests are also indicative of how this way of eating heals.  I will never throw a pill down my throat when I can heal my ailment by changing my eating habits.  It really is that amazing. Thankfully,  I don't have a chronic disease and I'm not severely obese. I'm not on the verge of a heart attack or a stroke. But I had just enough "wrong" that I didn't want to keep going down that road. I wanted to stop it before it got out of control and would be even harder for me to change. I know people who have lost 100lbs or more by eating this way. I know people who have curtailed their heart disease by eating this way. I know people who no longer have chronic pain because of this way of eating. I know people who have started eating this way and now are off of their blood pressure and cholesterol meds and no longer have to give themselves insulin. I know people who started eating this way and their tumors disappeared. 

If I knew about whole food, plant-based eating, 22 years ago, my dad may still be here. That right there is enough to smack me in the face and wake me up. I couldn't save him but I will do everything in my power to save me.

So, I just won't accept you putting me down for pursuing a lifestyle just because YOU don't understand it. I won't start arguments (although at times it's been difficult). But when you're ready, you let me know and I'll be happy to help you and guide you in the right direction to better yourself. 

It takes will power. 
It takes determination. 
It takes a supportive people around you. 
I don't put you down for your religious beliefs or your fashion choices or your political views. 
So, stop belittling me for your ignorance.

They say: I just don't understand why you eat this way.

I say: You don't have to. With all due respect, I really don't care what you think.

-End of rant-

Her mind's thoughts

Pure exhaustion. Drained. Demands of the day. It's over. Finally. Driving. Auto pilot.

Traffic light. Message. Pitched roof. Gingerbread lattice. Attic. Rope. A life taken. Loss of baby girl. Gone. Emily. Pink dress. Incredible sadness. Instant pain. Head. Won't stop.

Spotlight of the sun through the clouds. Faint rectangular rainbow. Music. Edwin.  I'll be. The greatest fan of your life. Daddy. Support. Tears. I've got this.

Evening walk. Brisk air. Sweet girl. Abandoned house. Overgrown brush. Lone weaving lilac. Peeling paint. Always unknowingly led there. No explanation. Until now. Top window. Kitchen. White dress shirt.  Maroon tie. I knew it. Let me help. Next time.

Deep breath. Veil is thin. Fear not. Fortunate one. Aware.

Home. Hydrate. Meditate. Enchanting music. Soothing candle. Calm. Quiet. No words spoken. Deep sigh.

Joseph Carr. California. Pop. Pour. Glass half full. Deep red purple hue. One sniff. Transported. Muddy field. Barefoot. Racing. Giggling. Playing. Not a care. Innocence.

Longing.
Reminiscing.
Breathing.
Releasing.

Just being.
At last.

This is where the healing begins

I've never really cared too much about what other people think of me.  Everyone has their opinions and are welcome to express them. I listen and I may or may not agree, but as long as you don't push it on me and are respectful, I'll often just end up agreeing to disagree and move on.

I also don't do things for attention. I act and react the way I feel is best (or the only way I know how).  I believe in what I believe in and whole heartedly so. I am pretty damn knowledgeable about a handful of things of which I am quite passionate. I'll fight to the bitter end to defend those things (and people) I believe in, when necessary, but I'll never punish you for feeling differently. I expect you to treat me the same.

I may seem, to most, as if I enjoy life, am genuinely happy and make friends easily.  For the most part, that is an accurate observation but very few people, and I mean less than 10, truly know who I REALLY am. That same handful truly WANT to know who I really am and care with all of their being to understand and know me and for that I am grateful. My tribe.

I have friends. I have acquaintances. I have coworkers. I have family. I enjoy being out in public, communicating and being social... sometimes.  But it's when I'm alone, in the safe, secure, sanctuary I call home, that I can finally start to breathe and just be myself.  For I am many things that many people cannot and do not see.

I am an empath. I feel and tune in to the emotions and energy of people and animals. They can be right in front of me or they can be on the other side of the country. And yes, some even have taken on another form and are not physically here on earth anymore. I am psychic aware, as a result, and have been honing my medium skills through animal communication as well as the energy of those who have passed from this world.  This is where most of you will stop reading and that is when all that I previously mentioned will come into play.

About eight months ago, I embarked on a healing journey that has opened up so many doors and given me such a new insight on life. I have been working with an energy healer, delving into tarot card work and acknowledging and learning to heal my core wounds.  This is not work for the faint of heart but it is incredibly necessary and rewarding. My entire life, I have always sought and often found, though fleeting, happiness in other people and things. I am finally understanding that happiness can only be found within ourselves. Until you realize that fact, you will never be truly happy. Then there is the part of the journey where forgiveness needs to play a dominant role - forgiving yourself AND forgiving others. I have been wronged by many and surely know how to hold a lifelong grudge, but through this journey I have realized that forgiving someone is not benefitting them but it's truly for me!! Once I was able to let go of those people and their hold on my emotions, I felt a freedom that I cannot even begin to put into words.

If you're still reading this, you're probably thinking, "Dear God, the girl has lost her mind" or "Poor thing, her daddy died and now she's losing it." It couldn't be farther from the truth. I have been in tune with the spirit world for many years and once I came to the conclusion that my energy work on myself has made way for me to help others, I knew it was time for me to stop keeping it hidden. What I have come to realize in the last year is that I'm not alone. There are many like me but few who will actually speak about it for fear of shame and unacceptance. Well, I'm done. Those people who think we are crazy or avoid these types of conversations with us are doing so because they are scared of the unknown or think it's wrong because it's different from what they know. You live your life the way you want and I'll live mine.  But when you're ready to transform into your higher self and surrender to your true being by letting go of the past by forgiving and choosing love, then you let me know.

And I will be here. I'll be here to help you in any way I can. As long as it comes from a place of truth and love, I'll help you along this journey because as I do so, it is equally helping me in return.

 

This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.

- Tenth Avenue North

Grateful on Birthday Eve

I love birthdays. I usually wait with anticipation as August comes to a close because September is my birth month. I have things planned all month - from tiny little simple happies to larger excursions.  Everyone laughs at me because I believe birthdays should be celebrated all month; not just one day. This isn't about "me" or being special. It's about feeling alive and grateful to have been given life and been chosen to live this awesome life that I am living! I never understand why people don't want to celebrate or why they think growing older is something awful. Surviving another year is often times a miracle in itself and when God has given me yet another year under my belt, I am full of gratitude!

But this year is different. As the last week in August approached, I had nothing planned. No celebrations - big or small. When I was asked what I wanted for my birthday, all my heart could say was, "I want my dad and Prowler back." Since that can't occur, there really wasn't anything material that even excited me. You'd think turning 45 would be a monumental birthday but I've been really nonchalant about it all. I wanted to just spend it with those I love - mostly hubs, my mom and my sweet little girl.

Well, it's Birthday Eve and the tides are changing... literally. While earlier in the week I was having bouts of anxiety about Hurricane Florence demolishing my little slice of paradise here in the OBX and truly stealing everything I call "home", today I am ready to celebrate. I have been energized and I have been smacked in the face by reality. I am turning 45 tomorrow and while most stores and restaurants are closed and my birthday Zac Brown Band concert present was cancelled, I am still ready to celebrate. Why? Because I am alive. Because I have pretty much all I have ever dreamed of in this lifetime. Because I have a man who believes in me, accepts  all my crazy, and treats me like the queen that my daddy always made me believe I am. Because I am healthy and have an incredible roof over my head. Because I have a momma who is my best friend and holds my heart.

Why am I ready to celebrate now? As I watch CNN and see the devastating floods in New Bern, NC and farther south, I am blatantly reminded that was almost us. Had Florence not turned south.... Had she changed her mind and decided to come north again.... the flooding in New Bern would have been us. So today, on Birthday Eve, I am smiling. My heart and soul are gratefully smiling as I fall to my knees, raise my head to the sky and thank Mother Nature and the good Lord above. This truly may be one of my best birthdays yet!

God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well. - Voltaire

Doves, double rainbows and a message from Dad

The past 24 hours, I have been surrounded with extreme bouts of strength and hope equaled by bouts of pure hysteria and fear. We are prepared to stay and we are equally prepared to leave should we deem necessary. There are many considerations to undertake –more than you realize until you are in this situation. We still have time. We are more fortunate than most – we have storm shutters, we are not in a flood zone, we have a generator, we have a plan. Most of all, we have each other.

This morning, I was already in a state of sadness and brought back to that fateful day in DC, NY and PA – 9/11. I looked outside and my American flag was flying high and proud. I walked out on my deck and I saw my calm Mother Ocean and the pink sunrise coming through the fluffy white clouds.  I thanked God for allowing me this gift and I asked him to graciously protect my little slice of paradise; this amazing community that has shown more strength and love to their fellow man in the past two years that I’ve been here than I can even begin to put into words.

I ran around taking pictures of my home and belongings as I walked down the stairs to head to work for half a day and I felt a heaviness weighing on me. On auto pilot, I got in my jeep, waved to Dan at the golf course clubhouse as I passed, said “good morning” to the ocean at the end of my street and turned right  onto the Bypass for my typical 25-minute drive to Manteo.  

I felt myself being pulled to the ocean; to a beach access. But I didn’t want to go to my usual access. I didn’t know where I wanted to go but I needed to go. I needed to feel the sun on my face. I needed to hear and smell the ocean. I needed to feel the sand on my feet.  It may be the last time for a while after today. I asked for direction and suddenly had the urge to turn left in Nags Head and drive toward the beach road.  As I turned right onto the beach road, it was deserted already. I immediately turned left to the Blackman Rd. beach access.  No one was there and, as I walked up the tall steps, I could feel the sun to my right and I could hear the ocean waves peacefully crashing.

As I approached the top and saw this glorious sight, I raised my head to the sky, took a deep breath and prayed. I instantly felt a source of strength and determination I haven’t felt before.  There was a lone surfer to the left and the Nags Head Pier off in the distance to my right. The ocean wasn’t angry; it was breathtakingly beautiful. I took in all the beauty around me and it instantly turned into inner strength and fueled my soul.

As I walked back to my jeep, two doves greeted me and that’s when I knew I was making the right decision. A lone dove has always been a sign of my grandfather being with me and confidently urging me to stay on my current path. He never leads me astray. Two doves together strengthen that point and are a source of protection – my grandparents together – the ultimate source of unconditional love and union – solidifying that I know exactly what I’m doing and to finally just stop doubting myself.

As I proceed down the beach road, what is the first thing I see? A milepost sign.  #11. Yeah, another awesome sign- clarity and guidance from my spirit guides.  I survey all of the houses and businesses that I pass and my mind starts to wander and realize what could, and probably will, happen here within a matter of days. Life as we know it will change. It always does during a storm but those who live in the Outer Banks are survivors.  I make the turn past Jeanette’s Pier and cross over the road leading to Hatteras Island. As I sit at the traffic light waiting to turn at Sugar Creek Restaurant to proceed across the causeway, I ask God for a sign. I ask for a sign to show me the way; to tell me what to do. I need to stop this battle in my head and be given guidance once and for all on how to handle this situation. Do I stay? Do I go? Instantly, the light turned green and as I turn, a double rainbow is smack in front of my face. I had to pull over into a parking lot to take a picture and as tears rolled down my face, I knew.......

I’m not going anywhere. This is my home. Living here has been the dream that I never thought would come true. I love my home – my physical home and this barrier island that I have called home for the last two years and has been my one true source of peace for over 30 years. I don’t want to leave. I don’t need to leave. I have a renewed strength and once this storm is over, I want to already be here so I can help those less fortunate than us rebuild. Right there on the side of the road just over the Little Bridge, I had a true awakening and have never felt so sure of anything in my life.  I asked for a sign and bam! A double rainbow – a complete double rainbow!  A double rainbow is meant to help us align our outer world with our inner spirit which has been my exact struggle up to this point.  It is also a sign from the Universe that you are about to have something great fall into your lap and that one good thing will lead to another. Hallelujah!

And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant which I make between Me and you and every living creature with you, for everlasting generations…I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth . . . and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh. (Genesis 9:12, 15, HBFV)

I arrive at work, with a smile on my face, a renewed spirit and a sense of determination and hope. I get to my desk and what do I find? Words from my father.  Words he texted me when I totaled my car and was completely distraught in early 2017. “Keep the faith. Things will be fine. Be strong.” As if I needed another sign this morning...... Thanks, Daddy. You always protected your little girl and yes, I feel and know that you still are. I will carry these words with me through whatever may come……

Until then, love one another, put away the pettiness, appreciate what you have, and pray hard for all of us in the wrath of this powerful bitch named, Florence.

 

 

 

 

Make those daydreams come true

I should have paid more attention to my two semesters of Astronomy in college. The best part of that huge lecture class was this really good looking Army Sgt. named Dan Kilgallen who was also taking the class. I wonder where he is these days. I never saw him after those two classes. We did go to lunch a few times and even to a Caps hockey game. I'm sure he was happy that the Caps won the Stanley Cup this year. But I digress.....

Astronomy. Why did I even take Astronomy? I hate science and I hate math. I'm a word girl. But the night sky has always intrigued me. I wish I would have paid more attention all those years ago in college because that info probably would have come in handy with my recent experiences and surrounding energies.

Did ya'll see that moon last night? And that almost orange-ish bright spot diagonal from bottom right of the moon? That was Mars and after August it won't be this bright for another 15 years.  This Sunday, August 26, is a full moon. Now, let's get something straight. I think a full moon always gets a bad rap. People (especially those in the medical profession) hate full moons and they think bad things happen and people act like fools. That is not always true. I LOVE a full moon. Yes, the energy of the full moon can definitely be strong and cause some emotional stuff to occur but it's pretty fascinating stuff! The more you know about it, the more you know how to handle and embrace it!

I actually find myself energized by the moon. On nights when the clouds hide the moon, I feel a sense of loss and am borderline depressed. Ever since I moved to the Outer Banks, I have felt this connection to the night sky grow even stronger. Is it because our skyline is free from distraction and

obstruction? Probably. Is it because when I stand up on my top deck, I feel as close as I've ever been to the moon? Of course. Is it because I get my strength from the sun (and my lion)? You bet it is. Is it because I am also grounded by water and live at the ocean now and it's all connected? Absolutely.

For the past three months, I have talked about (ok obsessed about) how we've had a very emotional upheaval of energy with this summer's intense eclipse season and I have felt the effects more than ever.  Not just emotional roller coaster feelings but past relationships being brought to the surface and even physical effects like unexplainable headaches, ear ringing, heart palpitations and almost debilitating anxiety and even some panic attacks. It's been some crazy shit! I've been trying to just lay low, meditate, keep my mouth shut (which you know is really difficult) and try to just be in nature as much as possible. Being outside has truly been the only saving and grounding grace for me.

Well, this Sunday with the full moon in Pisces, we are getting rewarded for making it through that miserable eclipse and retrograde season (we had 5 planets acting up at once)! We are going to feel relieved and light enough to start dancing around our kitchen again. Wait, you don't do that? Oh hell yeah, turn on big band music and just glide across that hardwood floor, lovelies! I know I sure am ready! While Pisces will bring the imaginative and romantic nature out in us, the fact that the sun has moved into Virgo (Hey, that's my sign!) will make us organized and efficient. What does that mean really? Manifest your little butts off because dreams are gonna come true with this combo of imagination and structure!!! Oh hell, yeah! That's what I'm talking about it! Bring it! As my favorite, Pat Monahan of Train, sings, "It's not just a daydream if you decide to make it your life!" Let's take advantage of this positive energy and make our dreams start coming true! When we think positive, we attract positive!

The entire summer I have been bogged down and have felt such a weight on me. I've been doing my best to purge everything that doesn't make me happy to make room for the things that do make me happy! I was forced to finally let go of those old habits and past relationship flaws that have created my core wounds. I love to write but I love it even more when I can burn that bitch after I write it. It's amazing how healing it truly is to tell someone off and then burn it with love and forgiveness and be done with them once and for all! I highly recommend it!

Well, it's time to change our outlook and use this full moon and its creative energy which is going to give us a heightened awareness of our connection to each other and the Divine! Let's use this abundance of unconditional love and acceptance to inspire compassionate acts and creative expression. Choose love!! Who in this world doesn't need that? Embrace its overflowing and then give it right back out to the universe. This is a cycle that we could all get behind!

While Pisces will bring out your light and airy, creative side, Virgo is still going to be there bringing out the planning, organizing and analyzing part of you. So, if it gets a little overwhelming, just take a break. Take a dance break even. Or just go take a walk, take a nap or take in some good music to soothe your soul and relax.  Don't worry. This full moon cycle is success oriented and it's going to have everlasting effects so take your time and truly, enjoy every moment!

Pisces is a water sign which means no matter what comes up during the full moon, we will be safe and protected by its beautiful, calming and restorative vibration! I highly recommend that ya'll join me in rejoicing and taking advantage of this time to delve into our spirituality, follow our intuition and activate our creativity! We have definitely earned it this summer!

Until next time, I send you tons of love and light! Now go make those daydreams come true!

Let it go

Well, hello there, my friends. It's mid-August and life is just flying past, isn't it? I'm thrilled to say that the rare three new moon solar eclipse periods have passed and Mercury will be out of retrograde within the next couple of days! These past three months have been a time of intense emotion and often confusion with unexpected varying mood swings coursing through our veins! Things, and maybe even people, from your past have resurfaced out of nowhere!

 The Lion's Gate Portal on 8/8/18 was my absolute favorite of all during this energized summer! Why? Because it was an opportune time to release your past wounds and let go of all that does not serve you. With every new moon, you should practice this behavior but with the Lion's Gate Portal the Universe was definitely on our side with that urging. Three days later on 8/11/18, we experienced the last new moon with a partial solar eclipse in which we should have started our manifestations.

I started on the path of a life-changing journey and the summer has been nothing short of a roller coaster of emotions. While that may sound a little unnerving to most, it actually has been pretty phenomenal. Why? I began the process of acknowledging my core wounds and embarking on the journey of healing them.

What does that mean?

A lot of meditation

A lot of work with my spirit guides

 A lot of self-reflection

A lot of prayer

Most of all a lot of love and forgiveness.

We all have core wounds that have been with us since we were very young. These wounds may be obvious like physical abuse or abandonment or they may not be as clear cut. But you can be assured that these wounds have attached themselves to us and facilitated our behavior in relationships throughout our life.  If we don't address them, it will continue.

On the surface, I probably seem like a pretty balanced, strong, happy woman. But by being a strong, independent woman, I also am able to project what I want the world to see when in reality there is an internal battle being fought. Well, I was done. I finally said, I can't take this anymore - it's destroying me! I was tired of being the victim and letting these behaviors and people control me. I was tired of holding so much anger and disgust. I was tired of being truly unhappy.

Even though I knew what I had to do, it wasn't that easy to actually make it happen.

But... once I did, it was the most freeing feeling I have ever experienced in my 44 years on this earth.

Energy abounds!

At 10:48pm EST, we will be experiencing the beginning of a new moon cycle. Not only is this a solar eclipse as well, but it's also a super moon! What does that mean? A shit ton of energy! Seriously! Emotions are going to be intense during this transition and during the entire cycle.  It is a time for soul evolution and transformation! A time of healing and emotional purging.  I am super excited about this cycle beginning because I have been feeling the physical effects leading up to this day and it hasn't been fun AT ALL! I am ready to embrace this rare occurrence by releasing, resting and healing. I am ready for the empowerment that it will present and the refueling that is needed!

Wait. WTF is she talking about? Is this the same person who has always written this blog? Did someone take over since the last post? Is this still the wine and food girl? The one who loves animals and eats plants now? Yep, it's still me, ya'll, and I'm super pumped!

I haven't blogged much lately because I have been focused on me. Sounds selfish, I know but it is necessary. I'm realizing that more every moment of every day. I changed my eating habits and am physically feeling better. Now it's time to emotionally feel better!

We are all seeking happiness in this world and we often seek it in the wrong places. I know I have for the last 44 years I've been on this earth. We need to stop looking for happiness in people and things. We need to let go of our ego fears and surrender to the fact that our soul has already decided what we need and trust. Seek the happiness within yourself! Be the source of your own happiness. Once you are able to do this, you will then be rewarded with TRUE happiness.

How do we do that, you ask? Well, that's part of the journey upon which I have chosen to embark. It's a learning process and a lot of it has to do with clearing past lives, raising your vibrational frequency and healing core wounds. My energy level has been raised and my awareness is definitely heightened. I have begun to focus on addressing and healing my core wounds. Let me tell ya, it has been one of the most emotional freeing processes I have ever witnessed and I am no where near done.  Our subconscious fears and false beliefs in this life keep us from manifesting and becoming our true and best selves!

I could go on and on about my journey but let's face it, it's about me, and no one really wants to hear it and very few would understand anyway. I don't want to be right. I want to be happy and that's where this new moon energy will benefit me. It will benefit all of us, actually, if you let it!

Intuition and spirituality will be enhanced.  Things will be brought into balance. Emotions will be heightened and it's a time to let go of what doesn't make you happy. This energy promotes the releasing of the past; removing past practices and behaviors to make room for new feelings and experiences. It is very rare that the astrological signs of earth AND water are both affecting this cycle and, as a result, they are bringing numerous blessings!

Listen and trust your intuition during this time.  Disconnect from your routine. Be quiet and listen. Meditate. Go to a safe place and tune in to spirit, source, the Divine God.  It is important to unleash your energy and recalibrate. This time is all about new beginnings and living in the present moment!! Healing happens only when we are present. When you lose track of time, you are totally present so stop letting the past influence you! I know I'm going to do my best to set the stage to live the rest of 2018 in the present moment!

Happy new moon, super moon, solar eclipse, everyone! Here's to embracing all the positive energy represented tonight! Sending love and light your way until next time......

Happy Gotcha Day!

It was eight months prior when my heart was ripped from chest, beaten and shattered beyond recognition. My protector, comforter, partner-in-crime, entertainer and best friend of 10 years and five months had been instantly taken from my life. Cancer viciously stole my Prowler, my heart on four feet, and left me utterly inconsolable.

This type of pain was similar in emotional anguish to when my grandmother lost her nightmare three week-battle three years prior. It was more than heartbreak. It left me with a complete sense of emptiness and complete loss. It changed me like nothing else and I would never be the same.  Prowler was my companion who stood by me and powered me to go on. It wasn't until 17 months later that my heart started to piece back together when my ladybug sent my favorite guy to help me feel again. 

Just as my ladybug sent him to help ease her loss in my life, Prowler also sent me a gift to help keep me occupied and to steal a little piece of that shattered heart eight months after he was taken from me.

It was June 2017 and I was bored and perusing Petfinder. That's when I found Violet. Definitely a German shepherd mix and very young. Then I saw THE photo. The one with HIS eyes. She had my boy's eyes. The date she was available for adoption? His birthday! My heart raced. My heart sank. My heart smiled. My heart cried. But she was a puppy and female-two things I said I definitely didn't want. But... those eyes.  Those soulful Prowler eyes....

I filled out a generic application with the rescue because I know how the process works. It would take a while so maybe one day when the time was right the right dog would pop up. Violet made me hopeful. I liked this rescue on Facebook and then went on about my day. 

A few days later, a post on the rescue's Facebook page appeared which made me confusingly emotional. There was Violet-  laying on the floor, big eyed and anxious -almost fearful- with three little girls. She had been adopted and I wept.  I had never met her but I felt as if she was stolen out from under me. I had this feeling as if she was my dog. Days went by and she took over my every thought. I knew it didn't make sense but I just couldn't get past this sense of loss.

That next week, on an ordinary Thursday morning, almost eight months to the day of losing P,  I got the call. Ronnie from Furever Home Rescue said I had been approved to adopt but the dog I had an interest in had been adopted. I played dumb because she didn't need to know what a pro Facebook stalker I was but hearing her say Violet had been adopted crushed my already weakened spirit again.

But.....she hesitated after she said those words and followed it up with, "...but she was returned today and is going to a new foster home as we speak". The amount of hope filling up inside of me was overwhelming and equally terrifying. 

Next thing you know I was talking to Kelly, her new foster mom of only 30 minutes. Violet was about five months old and had been in the VA Beach animal shelter, in three foster homes, adopted and returned. She was said to be very fearful and didn't know how to be a dog. Her adopted family said she growled at one of their daughters so they sent her back. Four hours later, I was going home from work to meet Violet because Kelly was graciously driving her from Norfolk to meet me in Kitty Hawk. I had no idea what I was doing and was not prepared for this at all but I was drawn to this little girl.

I met this precious baby in my fenced-in backyard and she was timid and scared. But she was absolutely beautiful.  That black and tan shepherd face, those Prowler eyes, those expressive ears and long skinny legs on a body of fine biscuit cream hair. She instantly reminded me of a gazelle or a baby deer. When the swarm of dragonflies appeared and surrounded her, I knew this was a very special girl. The connection was undeniable. The energy from my spirit world was remarkable 

We were allowed to keep this scared and confused puppy for the weekend to see how she would acclimate. In less than 24 hours, I knew that sweet, misunderstood baby girl would never be alone again. She would be my project.  She would give me purpose again. She would be a challenge, no doubt, but she and I needed each other. We were both broken. We were both confused and scared. We were both needing unconditional love and healing and had no idea where we would find it, if ever.  

I rescued a fearful little puppy named Violet and she became Nami Libelle, one of the greatest gifts of my life, thanks to the best dog ever who always looked out for me and, obviously, continues to do so. Nami has created her own place in my shattered heart and while she keeps me on my toes, she daily shows me such unequivocal love and gratitude. I may have officially rescued Nami but she definitely saved me.

Happy Gotcha Day, my Nammers. You became my baby girl a year ago today! Neither of us are anywhere near perfect, but we are learning and growing every day - side by side, hand in paw, tied together by indestructible heartstrings.

But it's in Duck

I've had my eye on a restaurant for a while now.  I just found out about it last year and, of course, the one night we wanted to go they had already closed for the season.

But it was ok because there's one problem.

It's in Duck. We don't go to Duck. It's north. Anything too far north (or too far south for that matter) we just don't do. It's bad enough I have to drive 23 miles to work ONE WAY every day. Alllllll the way to Manteo, we like to say - as if it's a different state or something.

Well, The Paper Canoe is not only in Duck. It is in the northern most part of Duck! Almost out of Dare County even! We had date night set last night and I wanted something new. I looked over the menu again and my mouth began watering. The story of how the restaurant came to be intrigued me and I was determined I was going to love this place. But not too much because it's in Duck, after all.

Reservations recommended.

Of course. Sigh. But even in the off season, I pondered?

There's not much in Duck, so perhaps.

My beloved Salt Box Café recommends reservations too but it's tiny and INCREDIBLE.

And NOT in Duck.

We like to just sit at the bar when we go to a new place anyway. It's the best way to get the local "know" of the area. Maybe we just take a chance and go to the bar. It is a Thursday after all. But people are starting to come down already and making long weekends out of their trip. Pretentious people have houses in Duck, right?  So yeah, they probably have already started their weekend. I better call for reservations. I would hate for us to drive the 23 minutes north and then have to wait an hour or, even worse, not get a seat at all.

I call.

Reservations for dinner.

For two (awesome) people

8pm please

I'm given two choices - 8:30 p.m. in the dining room or 8pm at the bar!

Reservations for the bar?

Phew, glad I called.

Bar reservations, it is! See you then!

I called at 3pm. I  thought about leaving work and going home right then because it's in Duck.

Ok, maybe that was exaggerating a little.

A little.

(photo borrowed from The Paper Canoe website)

The owner believes in leaving the smallest carbon footprint possible (as well as using the freshest local seafood with ingredients grown in his own backyard) and the detailed wooden interior is just so welcoming. My eyes were wide and sighs were coming from my lips as I admired the antique cypress wood walls the owner found in the western part of the state, the hickory flooring, the handcrafted tables from reclaimed lumber of a 100-year old train station in Chattanooga and the wood trim sourced from a South Carolina abandoned cotton mill.

As we were led down a hallway, passing the quaint but spacious dining room on the right, the restaurant opened up into a gorgeous area with a bar that just about filled the room where about six bistro tables-for-two aligned the floor-to-ceiling windows looking out onto the sound.

(photo borrowed from The Paper Canoe website)

This was the first time in quite a while that Hubs and I had ventured out to a new restaurant and so far I was very pleased. I had a green smoothie for breakfast and a brown rice angel hair lemon and garlic arugula salad for lunch. My 10% of  eating "whatever I want" was going to be well spent at this establishment! Or at least, I hoped.

But we were in Duck so.... we didn't get too excited.

The menu is small.

The prices are on the high end.

But it's Duck so nothing unexpected.

(I worked in Old Town Alexandria for 14 years. I get overpriced and paying for the atmosphere.)
As long as the food is incredible, we don't mind.

We started with the lump crab three-cheese dip. The bread "sticks" that accompanied the dip seemed the same as that used for their wood-fired pizzas. If that is so, then I want to try their duck confit and manchego cheese with caramelized onions and arugula pizza next! Ooey, gooey, tons of crab, crusty on the edges, warm and super yummy! When I want to lick the bowl, you know it's good.

I love going out to eat with Hubs for many reasons but an important one is that he enjoys food as much as I do. We always pick two things that both of us would love and share so we both win! It was also beneficial because my stomach sure has shrunk (even though my eyes haven't) and I wouldn't be able to eat as much if we shared!

Seared scallops on a puff pastry and vegetable risotto with a side of green beans and carrots. Seared scallops. That's all I read. Seared scallops. That's all I heard. Seared scallops. That's all I saw. Seared scallops. That's all I ate. Seared scallops.
That's all I needed.
 Exquisite!

Perfectly seared scallops are one of my favorite seafood delicacies. I will grab them at the local seafood shop and make them at home for a special treat. Not only were these scallops gigantic but they were so flavorful and perfectly cooked! Too bad there were only four because I could have eaten about 18. When I take a bite of something and it makes me stop for a minute, smile, and sigh, it's damn good!

The second dish we shared was shrimp stuffed with lump crab in a sauce that would make ya slap your momma it's so delectable! I've never been a fan of cornbread, so Hubs won that prize. I love grilled asparagus but sometimes it's mushy and sometimes when it's this jumbo it's less than desirable to me. Wow. That's all I got. Wow. You done damn good, Duck! I don't know what this sauce is but it was like a thin gravy. I truly wanted to drink the bowl dry.

At this point, the bar area was emptying out, there was a light show going on in the sky and it was just me, Hubs, Bartender Steve and the owner hanging out.  I had a smile on my face and a smile in my tummy. It's been a long time since I've been that food happy!

We didn't want dessert. We didn't need dessert. But I believe in the whole experience when you try a new restaurant so we shared the organic four berry cobbler. Thankfully it was pretty small because neither of us needed it but when in Rome... er... I mean... uh.. Duck!

The Paper Canoe.  I'm glad that you were everything I thought you would be.  I've had enough food disappointment in my life lately. It's a shame we won't see you again until probably October; maybe late September, though. It's a shame that your charming hickory floors will be stomped on by the unworthy soon and your magnificent cypress walls will be bulging from the gorging masses.
We thank you for inviting us in and we would love to come back real soon, but.... you're in Duck.

"There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.”
― Judith Martin