10

10 is the number in which my dad comes through to me. 
10 is the number that represents the end of a major cycle.
10 is the number of days that I wear my Invisalign before switching them out to a new set.

10 is the number of months for this treatment.

I feel the desire to document my first ten days of this treatment. That may change. We’ll see and go with the flow. But for now, my brain and body need to get these thoughts out.

I didn’t sleep much last night. I don’t get anxious often but the unknown was really affecting me. I tried to sleep with meditation and that usually helps but not last night. I kept waking with a song playing over and over in my head. At least it was a good song-All Your’n by Tyler Childers -but it was on repeat and I could not shut it off.  I tried reciting affirmations. I talked to my angel guides. Nothing was working. I would drift and then wake and my mind kept begging for a hint of daylight to peek through the curtains so I could wake for the day and escape this craziness.

I enjoyed the hell out of my breakfast burrito and then left with 10 minutes to spare to get to the dentist’s office. I hate waiting in lobbies and knew that would just make me even antsier. I got there right on time and knowing I never get taken on time, it was strategic. The door to the exam rooms was slightly ajar and there was already a bustle of patients at 8am. Then the best thing that could have happened……happened. Out comes a corgi. I had met this awesome guy once before as he is one of the dentist’s darlings and often comes to work with his dad. Well, I motioned for him to come to me and he beelined right for me, batted his adorable eyes at me, sat on my foot and I proceeded to give him lovins. I don’t know who was happier-me or him. He then welcomed another victim….I mean patient….but came back to me. This time he jumped up on the sofa next to my chair and asked for more lovins. I obliged. I was just thrilled that those stubby little legs allowed the junk in his trunk to leap onto the sofa. I mean he deserved lovins after that feat being accomplished! What happens next? Rolls over for a belly rub and I am the queen of belly rubbins! While dude and I were having a moment, the tech calls my name and asks if I’m ready. Dear Lord, no, I’m not ready! I mean I’m in the middle of Corgi Therapy and I sure needed that to calm my nerves at that moment. I get up and dude proceeds to follow me so I told him to come with me and he walked me the entire way to my exam room. Now if that wasn’t a TANC moment, I don’t know what is! (Thanks, Pface. You’re always looking out for Momma.)

The pretty dentist came in and proceeded to put this ridiculously uncomfortable contraption in my mouth to keep it open for what seemed like an eternity but the whole procedure was only a little over an hour. I have a very small mouth and have never had any work done except cleanings and X-rays so all of this was extremely foreign to me. I felt like I was one of those plastic ducks in that carnival game where the person shoots water from a fake gun to knock the duck down… except…..the water was a few inches from my face and being shot directly into my mouth. Yeah, not cool. Then came the air version of that gun and that was even worse. My reflex is to shut my mouth….but wait, I physically can’t. Then I want to swallow and try to catch my breath through my mouth. Nope, can’t do that either so I tense up-my back, my neck, clenching my fists. But the pretty dentist tells me if I keep doing this we’re gonna be here all day. Well, shit, I’ve already been here long enough and it’s been maybe five minutes. Then he says the magic words, “Take a deep breath through your nose and go to your yoga place.” Bingo! I got this. Now, I do not do yoga, although I really want to start, but what he said resonated. Focus on your breath. Intentionally breathe. I KNOW how to do that. I teach people that all the time. I use that technique all the time. We are in the present moment when we focus on our breath. So I needed to get out of the low vibration of fear that I was in and return to the present moment and…….I would do so by focusing on my breath. Or by passing out, which after finishing the upper tray the pretty dentist commented that he thought I had passed out at one point. We both then agreed…..for a moment we wish I would have.

This was not fun. I’m not a wuss. I am someone who is grateful that at age 50, I have never had a single cavity or any work done at the dentist office. So all of this was completely unknown and new to me. He told me that the dentist should be my best friend based on my history and I proceeded to tell him that he WAS my best friend until he started doing this nonsense to me today.  We laughed. Well, he did. 

Long story short, I survived. I not only survived but I was not in horrific pain or even much discomfort. In fact, I thought maybe something was wrong because I did not feel like I had been beaten in a dark alley and left to fend for myself. I mean, I still recall Dad coming home from a gum disease treatment and looking like he had been beaten for days and left for dead. I didn’t like that but was grateful I didn’t follow in his footsteps. I was able to get the trays in and out on my own. I had all my crazy questions answered. I recall the pretty dentist telling me that I must remain positive through this process….I can do that. He also told me that my lifestyle was going to change for the next 10 months but it would be worth it in the end. I believe that. I need to keep reminding myself of that on the not so good days.

My lifestyle has already changed and it’s not even been 24 hours yet. I love food but it is a damn pain in the ass to take these trays out every time I eat or drink anything other than water. So much so that I ate breakfast, took Mom to an appointment, ran some errands and 10 hours have passed and I have not eaten again. Am I hungry? Sure am! But I’ll suck it up and wait til dinner. I want this fuckery to work so I’m keeping them in as long as I possibly can handle. Is this partially a weight loss program? Sure is! The pretty dentist said I don’t need to lose weight (yeah, that’s what they all say) but I have a good five (shoot, maybe 10) lbs I can happily shed. Don’t worry, ya girl will not starve. I love food too much. I’ll just make the most out of the meals I DO eat. Strategery, friends. Strategery.

So I am happy to say that I only have a terrible whole head headache that started maybe five hours ago and is still lingering. There’s a multitude of reasons why-the obvious screwing with my mouth and the pressure, having to talk quite a bit having taken Mom to an appointment an hour away, no lunch in my body today and no sleep last night. But if a headache is my only complaint, well, I’ll take day one as a win. Oh and one more thing, I’m glad auditions for American Idol aren’t coming up because with this Invisalign-induced lisp and slobber randomly coming out of the corners of my mouth, I’d have to pass on this season. I’d hate to disappoint everyone.

My last supper(s)

My last supper(s). That’s tonight. A little dramatic, right? Well, ya only live once…wait, not really. We only live one lifetime at a time but there are numerous lives that our souls embark on. Well, anyway, that’s not what this post is about….this time.

Well, tomorrow is the day that starts the unknown. I always get a bit anxious when it comes to trying something new (except food) just because I have no idea which way it will go. Then the what ifs start pouncing around in my mind and I start to drift into that low vibration of fear which I KNOW will only cause harm that’s not even in my existence yet. Stupid human brain, cut it out. You know what you focus on is what you attract! Why ask for that bs!?!

I should have had braces as a child. I hate that word, should. Let me start over. In a perfect world, my parents would have taken me to the dentist as a child and had braces put on my teeth so I wouldn’t have overcrowded, crooked chompers as an adult. Now, I will say I have super healthy teeth and at age 50 am proud to say I have never had a cavity! But why didn’t my wonderful parents put me in braces as a child? Well, I’m sure because it would have been “painful” or crooked teeth would give me “character” (like I don’t have enough of that already) or they were protecting me from the horrid childhood bullies and metal mouth nicknames, I mean, how much worse could it have been? I had glasses since I was in the fifth grade, was bony as all get out and my gorgeous long auburn locks were chopped off at elementary school age and I suffered through awful hair til high school when I could actually make decisions of my own. (I will never wear short hair again. Yes, I said never. I made that mistake once in my 20s and still am trying to console my inner child.) So what harm would braces have really done as a kid? Ugly duckling syndrome was already alive and well. I was the poster child. Thank God my sweet, smart and loving personality got me through (cough, gag).

Ok, so what in the hell am I talking about? Where is this going, you ask? Last November, I was at my normal routine dental cleaning and the pretty dentist came in to do his check. I had not had the pleasure of gazing into his beautiful eyes, I mean having him examine my teeth, in the seven years I had been going to that practice until that day. Well, he’s quite handsome but from experience usually the men who are that attractive know it so I was armed with witty comebacks and had my guard up. Five months later, we are friends, he really is a good dude and he convinced me to start Invisalign. There actually wasn’t much convincing to do because I had been contemplating it for years. Once he told me the health benefits, that’s what got me really interested. Sure, I’d like to have a prettier smile (yes, prettier because unlike many I do NOT hate my smile at all, but there’s always room for improvement.) My dad had the worst luck with his teeth and gums….periodontal disease, root canals, all kinds of horrendous and excruciating stuff. My mom has had a nightmare of dental work done just over the last couple of years to include extractions and implants surrounded by lots of pain. My parents are not weaklings but mouth pain is not fun at all. That right there is THE reason I agreed to Invisalign. I do not want to go through what they went through. Straightening my teeth will be a huge proactive love note to my mouth. 

I’ve done my research-ad nauseum. I’ve reached out to friends who did the treatment and drove them insane with my barrage of questions. I’ve ordered tools to help in advance of starting treatment. Now I wait til 8am tomorrow. What more can I do at this point? EAT and choose wisely.

Food is love. Food is important to me and Hubs. We revolve trips around restaurants. We go to events that we won’t enjoy just to say hi and get food from our friends who own local food trucks. We celebrate with food. We comfort with food.  I’m a meal planner but often will change my mind based on our moods and just randomly decide to go out to eat on a whim. Well, my food life is about to potentially change for a while. Why? Because I have to take my newfound friends out before I eat and then brush and floss before putting them back in. Oh and I can’t drink anything but water with them in which is actually not a problem because I purposely drink two gallons of water each day. I don’t really drink anything else but water. Oh wait, better finish that green iced tea I made the other day! Guess, not only am I making my mouth health better but my overall health better too because breweries are gonna take a step back. I don’t love beer that much -not enough for it to be a pain in the ass to drink a few. Who knew Invisalign would also help your liver? Sure, I’ll adjust and I’ll figure it out, but I am the one in control of this working. It costs way too damn much to screw this up. Wearing these babies is the only way it’s gonna work and that has to happen around 22 hours a day.

My mouth is gonna be sore. I mean there is no way around that at least in the beginning and every time I switch out new trays. I hate taking meds but I have Tylenol if it gets that uncomfortable. I have ice packs to help and meditation is my go-to for any kind of relief because we all know we CAN heal ourselves. It all starts with a thought and a thought can be changed. Just keep your eyes on the end game, girl. It is all gonna be so worth it AND and you’re gone have a million dollar smile in a year’s time! 

So, focus. If my mouth is sore, I’m not gonna want to eat much (bonus -I’ll lose those pesky 5lbs!) and what I do eat will be soft and not take much chewing. Good thing I loved mashed potatoes and smoothies (not together though). Bad news is, if my mouth is sore and I don’t wanna eat much, I’m gonna be sad. So in planning ahead, I am preparing the last supper(s). This morning, I went to my favorite breakfast burrito joint and got one for tomorrow. They aren’t open until after my appointment tomorrow and I know I’m not gonna take my new friends out of their new home unless I have to so I’ll gorge in the morning so I won’t be hungry til dinner. Then for lunch today I had my favorite steak and cheese sub (which I hardly ever get but was craving and undoubtedly would want once my new friends are in place and chewing will not be fun). Tonight I am making manicotti bolognese from scratch with sourdough bread from my favorite local bread baker friend. I didn’t think ahead far enough to get dessert from my food genius friend - her place is closed on Tuesdays. What happens after breakfast tomorrow is anyone’s guess but I’m trying to be optimistic. Worst case, you’ll find me drinking water on the beach with a frozen bag of peas on my mouth. Peas never tempted me. I’m good.

Before Invisalign shot

Home

My dad played the drums in high school, in a local Alexandria band and was a proud member of the US 8th Army Division Band. Music was a major part of his life and, as a result, music became a huge part of mine. As a young child, I remember sitting in the living room listening to his favorite vinyls, singing along to the lyrics on the sleeve until I learned them, while dad “played” the drums on the arm of the sofa, his legs or in the air.  He (and mom) were always at every one of my school concerts cheering me on as if it were the Super Bowl. In high school, I surprised him when we sang “My heart belongs to Daddy” and I grabbed him out of the audience, brought him on stage with me and proceeded to sing to him.  Dad and I would love going to live concerts together. We couldn’t wait to tell the other about a new song we heard on the radio because we knew the other would love it too, especially when there was an incredible key change moment! I remember when my maternal grandmother was nearing the end of her journey and we were making arrangements. Dad and I spent hours picking out the “right” songs and “I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me was THE perfect one. Lyrics were so powerful to both of us. Music soothed our souls, excited us, made us cry, brought back memories….some even changed our immediate lives and made a lifetime mark on us. Music was a connection from day one and still remains so.

It was only fitting that I find THE right music for my dad’s last celebration. I grew up in a Baptist family where funerals were sadder than they needed to be often because of often depressing hymns. Dad and I agreed that this celebration was just that-a time of joy remembering his incredible life! I had downloaded specific songs to play on repeat during the viewings and as friends were being seated. Mom and I knew the meaning of each to dad and that was a comfort to hear. But THE most important song I chose to be played at the most critical moment was “Home” by Chris Tomlin. Unfortunately, Dad had never heard it but he loved Chris and we even saw him live together once. 

The only thing that rivaled my dad’s love of music was his faith. My dad fought many battles in his life-Vietnam and prostate cancer being the ones people know. He NEVER gave up. My dad did not know the meaning of defeat or giving up. Even to his last breath. That last year of the effects of chemo ravaged his body and the last seven days were just devastating. He was fighting to stay. I was pleading for him to go “home”. 

Home. But he was home in Hospice care, right? Yes, and we were grateful. But it was time for him to go back “home”….where the streets are golden, where every chain is broken..where every fear is gone…where he belongs….

As the service was ending, I made sure that “Home” was played and from that first beat, the tears rolled but the smile was even bigger on my face. His freedom song. No one would get the importance of this to me……until someone did. I saw movement to my left out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look and I saw my soul sister, my warrior, Melissa…..stomping her feet to the beat….like I was….singing every word….like I was…raising her head and hands to the heavens….like I was…..smiling with tears rolling down her face….like I was.  This is exactly the way Dad would have wanted this to go. I will never forget that moment….that heart feeling. 

From that moment on, there isn’t a time I hear that song that I don’t think of that moment, sing at the top of my lungs (through the tears) and text Melissa to tell her. We will forever be connected through that song and my dad. 

The last few days have been melancholy. Not deep despair but continued gratitude surrounded by sadness. This morning, I woke up and waited for 7:38, the moment my hero became free. I then walked upstairs, looked at the ocean and played “Home”. I immediately began stomping my feet, clapping to the beat, singing at the top of my lungs and smiling. His freedom song. Home will always be Dad’s freedom song and I will always be grateful that he instilled his love of music in me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIb4NC5ikYo

I was waiting for you

The early hours of August 11, 2023, changed everything for six vacationers from Maryland but what I was not expecting is that it would change so much for me too. There are no coincidences. I knew I was energetically connected to her.

🐚🐚🐚

It was horrific. I watched it unfold through photos and videos and articles. The house went up in flames so fast. The wind that morning was not a friend. Casualties. I hate that word. What started it? Was it an accident? Cigarettes? A grill? Propane? Electrical wiring? Hot tub? Did the smoke detectors go off? Were there working smoke detectors? Was a candle left burning? How did three perish in the fire? How did three get out? How was one basically unscathed and two others medflighted to Norfolk’s ICU burn unit? So many questions. So many unanswered questions. But while I was curious, that isn’t what mattered. My heart hurt….for all of them…and I didn’t even know them. That’s the blessing, and the curse, of who I am and what I “do”. I had never met them but I was so very connected to this tragedy and especially connected to one of them. 

She’s 48. Divorced. A small business owner. Lives not far from where I was born and lived for 40 years of my life. She lost her dad. She has always wanted to be able to connect with her dad since his transition. She believes in the afterlife but not in a devout religious way. She’s brunette. She’s a fighter. She doesn’t give up. Those are the obvious similarities I uncovered but it’s so much more than that. That was just the beginning. 

I needed to go by the property. I knew it would be difficult but I was being drawn there and I also needed to pay my respects to the souls that transitioned. It was quietly disturbing. Inside of yards of yellow caution tape, my eyes were drawn to a mound of burned lumber and pieces of lattice -all that’s left of this large vacation home. All that’s left of a fun summer vacation with friends and family. To the side, a shell of a vehicle reminiscent of car bomb scene from a movie. In front off to the side, a beautifully-manicured garden and seated area untouched. In the back, almost suspended in mid-air, untouched by the blaze…..a lone white dune deck with chairs looking out over the ocean as if someone had just had their morning coffee watching the sun rise. The house to the left untouched. The house to the right looked like black tar covered its entire left side but the rest looked like it was in perfect condition complete with a joyful house flag on the front porch swaying in the breeze. The investigation must have been concluded. What did not burn or collapse had been razed already. That was quick.

I walked across the street with floral wire, a hammer, a wooden cross that my compassionate and handy husband made for me in which I attached delicate, sweet flowers of baby blue, white and a hint of green, and a sense of determination in me that was unstoppable. A small memorial of two bunches of flowers, a candle and a teddy bear had already been placed and I took a deep breath and relished in sheer gratitude for this community in which I live. I cleared away space at the base of the “Whalewatcher” post and I hammered in the cross. Knowing how quickly weather can change in the Outer Banks, I made sure the cross was secured to the post and would remain upright. I kneeled on the side of the road at this memorial and I said a prayer for the couple who perished and for that darling little girl….. HER daughter….whose soul also transitioned on that fateful morning. I assured that precious one she would never be forgotten, and I walked back to my car and sobbed. 

🐚🐚🐚

Typical Saturday morning with my love, basking in Grandmother Sun in the presence of Mother Ocean, reading my summer beach book, I felt a calm come over me. More than halfway through the book, the name “Sienna” comes up. First and only time in the entire book. I immediately smiled, looked up to the sky and said, “I hear you, sweet girl. I see you.”  She was with me and it was then I knew that it wouldn’t be the last time. I also knew it would be at the ocean when she came to me again.

🐚🐚🐚

I had questions. My inquisitive mind had questions. My logical mind was so confused. My head and heart hurt. I wanted answers. But…..we don’t always get what we want and that want was not a priority. Why? Because knowing wouldn’t change anything. Knowing wouldn’t rewind and make this nightmare not happen. Knowing wouldn’t heal her or bring Sienna back. We don’t always get what we want but we do always get what we need! And what I needed was to spread the love that was welling up inside of me and help her the best way I knew how. That morning, upon waking, I connected to her and sent her reiki. I scanned her body and I stopped and spent more time sending healing in areas that were more painful. Her head, her face, her neck, her arm, her chest, her back. It was all upper body related. As always, I did not question, I just sent healing energy and filled those ravaged spaces with love…my love. I connected my heart to hers energetically and sent her my strength and energy for when hers seems to wane. She also showed me someone in a fearful panic running but I don’t know who it was. I was making sure to focus on the good. She was strong. She was brave. She would be absolutely fine when she healed but her lack of patience would be a downfall and she needed to be mindful of that. Once again, we are so much alike. I received confirmation later that day that 37% of her body was severely burned…..all upper body. Tanc.

🐚🐚🐚

Searching online, conversing with her mom, researching, writing cards of encouragement, sending love. All part of my daily routine for over two weeks. It’s like breathing. I am invested in her recovery. She meditates. She is receptive to reiki. She knows it’s possible to reach her loved ones on the other side but doesn’t know how. I can help her make that happen. We are kindred spirits. Her mom agrees. Her sweet mom and I cannot wait for the day that she and I can meet. I know it will feel like a reunion of sorts. We are connected. 

🐚🐚🐚

Thirteen days have passed since the tragedy and I have an undeniable urge to walk the beach and find the property from that direction and sit in quiet reflection to see what “comes up”. From the front of the property, it is too open and too close to the road. I’m hoping the beach side will be more secluded….I’m hoping. I know I am an open channel and will be able to connect somehow. But life gets in the way for a while.  

The Universe wasn’t ready for me to take this emotional step until August 30. Hurricane Idalia was a day away from making landfall in Florida and we would be getting tropical storm force rain and winds from her later that day and into the next day. It was also the second full moon of the month which was supercharged but bringing sensitive energy. It was not by chance that my standing morning appointment was cancelled freeing up my entire day until late afternoon. This was the day. I felt a serious nudge and knew this was the day. I placed a protective energy field around me and got the last parking spot available at the closest beach access to the property. Everything was aligning.

I walked barefoot down the access and onto the beach. Being grounded before encountering this property was crucial. As many years as I had vacationed here and now lived here, I had never been to this access or this particular strip of the beach. Prior to coming, I mapped out how many houses to count in order to get to the property but that failed me because the beach nourishment project had made the beach so wide (which is a great thing) and the dunes were so plentiful and high around each home.

 I walked past the empty lifeguard stand in which the VMI cadet was sitting early that fateful morning and first saw the flames, called 911 and went to the aid of my friends. (Yes, I consider them my friends now.) I am so grateful for his presence and heroism or it could have been an even more tragic outcome. I proceeded to the ocean and walked along it down the beach. I recognized a new house that a realtor friend had just sold and its uniqueness stood out but I wasn’t sure how close I was. For a moment, I started to doubt myself in finding the property but I just pressed on. I stopped to talk to a man who was drawing the words “Marry Me?” in the sand and wished him well. Then, out of nowhere one single seagull flew past me, let out a loud squawk, landed on the beach and looked at me. There are always tons of seagulls out here but not that moment….just one. I turned away from the ocean and toward the road and suddenly saw the tip of that remaining dune deck! The seagull made sure I didn’t miss it! 

I took a deep breath and trudged up the hot sticky sand toward the dunes. As I gently manuevered up the sandy elevated walking path, I was in awe of how lush and beautiful the sea oats were. Then I smelled burning…..burning wood as if there was still an active fire.. Then I saw the dune deck but did not go any closer because there was caution tape and I did not want to draw attention to myself. Instead I sat down on an elevated mound of sand and started focusing on my breathing. The view of the ocean from this vantage point was breathtaking and so private. I sat sideways with my right side to the property and my left side to the ocean. I did not plan that position. I just did what felt right. It became miserably hot…..but only on my left side. I truly felt as if my entire left side was hot to the touch and burning…. and not from the sun. I stood up and faced the dune deck. To the left was the neighboring house that had caught fire on only one side-its left side. From the beginning, I had suggested that was the side of the home where my sweet girl had been trapped. Why? I do not have any answer for that but my entire left side felt heat that the rest of my body did not while I was sitting there.

🐚🐚🐚

Sienna? 

Colleen? 

Bill? 

Please, if any of you are here, would you please help shed some light for closure for our friends who have survived. Closing my eyes, focusing on the waves crashing, I heard a sweet young voice quickly say, “Grandma needs love, Momma is going to be ok but Dave is not. He served his purpose-helped so many, especially kids. Sadie knows but I’m not mad at her. She will learn from what happened and she will grow.  But she’s gonna go down a dark path before she understands what is truly going on in this world. I was wise beyond my years and it was time because now an example is going to be made of me. People won’t forget me. And thank you for putting the cross there. You’ve done more than you need to.  When I explained that I genuinely care and that’s just the way I am, she said, “That’s the way I was. I wanted to be just like you when I grew up. I just didn’t get to grow up. But that’s ok bc I made a difference by dying.”

I hadn’t seen an area with winding paths through dunes and sea oats on a rental property since the house I got married at in Nags Head in 2019. Sienna sensed what I was thinking as I sat in awe of my beautiful secluded surroundings and said, “Isn’t it cool? It’s like a summer wonderland”.  She pointed out the chair she liked to sit in on the dune deck- the only one that wasn’t white. She said she liked to be different-like the chair-very natural.  She liked that angle of the chair because she could see the waves better. 

I asked her what happened that fateful morning and she said, “I don’t know. I just woke up and it was bad. I fell through the floor but I’m not by myself. Colleen and Bill are with me.” She felt like she was “falling” and then next thing she knew she was happy and was “looking down over everything that was happening”.  It was instant-no suffering. Relief rushed over me.

A group of pelicans flew over the ocean in formation and, as always, I watch them in sheer awe. Without uttering a word, she was hearing my inner feelings and thoughts and said, ”Pelicans! Count them!” I counted 8 and she excitedly said, “Tell Momma!” 

Then a lone dragonfly flew past me close to the dune deck area and she said very quickly and with a childlike urgency, “That’s me! Tell Mom! The blue green one is me! Like the one on your back!” I have a large dragonfly memorial tattoo on my back over my right shoulder…..it is bluish green in color. Tanc.

Sudden itching and irritation. Was something biting me? I look down at my thigh and what do I see? FIRE ANTS! Freaking FIRE ants. Sigh…Now if that’s not a sign!

So at that point I get up off the sandy dunes and walk down to the ocean. I wanted to walk the path my friends did from their vacation house to spend time on the beach. I walked straight out, got my feet wet and then sat on the little ledge recently formed by Mother Nature. I love sandpipers and they are always present at the shore line but always skiddush and seem to scatter when I’m close. Not today. Two sandpipers sat right next to me…..content with their legs under them and relaxed. At this point, my back is to the house and I feel wind pushing at my back…..only coming from my back….no where else..a strong force of wind pushing me from the back….a force definitely telling me to leave. 

Gazing silently out over the ocean and feeling a sense of pure sadness come over me,  another pelican formation flies over. I count. There are only 7. I whisper out loud, “Sienna, where are you?” and then hear that darling girl’s voice again, “Sitting right next to you. I’ll fly with them later.”

I love sand crabs and typically see them all summer but haven’t this season…..until today to the right of me. “Aren’t they cool?” she said. Such a joyful bright-eyed girl. So happy and in love with the simple things, I think to myself. “Yep and definitely nature and the environment,” she says as she’s taking all the beauty in with me.

Overwhelmed with emotion, I begin to cry.  “I don’t want you to get burned. You better go.” Shocked, I said “what?!” thinking it was a reference to the fire and she said, “sunburn, silly. Geez!” I am a strong proponent for sunscreen but did not put any on that day because I didn’t think I’d be there that long. So out of character for me. She knew. Then she said, “But….I do love watching the birds with you…so maybe stay a little longer. But don’t go back up there to the house.” I told her I didn’t want her to be stuck there and she said, “I’m not. I was waiting for you!”. Then I felt something touch my right shoulder….it was her head. We sat in silence taking in the glorious morning at the ocean.

After a while I just sighed and said “Oh Sienna…”. 

“Go, Val. It’s time. I’m ok now. You know that. Make sure to tell my mom and Grammy” I looked up at where that house used to be one last time, told her she could always come to me, and turned back to the ocean. She said, “I will! Just tell Momma!” I looked down and saw this cool shell and she said “Wow, it looks like a turtle”. That shell came home with me.

I’ve been walking away for a bit now and she yells, “Val! Wait! Oh yeah, tell her I’m with Paw Paw”

My grandmother would have been 100 today and I miss her something fierce. We always celebrate and dessert is always a mainstay even in her human absence. I look up at the sky and see a cloud formation in a clear V shape. To the left of the V is a cloud in the shape of an ice cream cone. My grandmother’s name was Vivian. I hear my sweet girl acknowledge what I see, “Yes! Let’s get ice cream!” Sienna is clearly still with me.

Approaching the lifeguard stand and heading back up the beach toward the car, I extended my right hand out from my body and said, “Here, hold my hand”. Instantly, I felt a breeze go through my fingers and I smiled.

I kept referring to her as a sweet girl or little girl which didn’t logically make sense because she was 13 but when souls transition they always show me the age they most enjoyed in their lifetime and how they want to be remembered. Sienna chose age 5.

Walking up the access I felt a struggle to breathe. My lungs felt heavy and cruddy. Not my nose but deeper breathing. I stopped for a moment and my darling girl said, “It’s not you. It’s him. It’s Dave. Not good” and hung her head in sorrow. She knew he was worse than her mom. I was feeling it and she was confirming it.

🐚🐚🐚

Often souls will stick with me for a while after the first encounter. They know I’m an open channel. They know it’s easier with me and I accept them. As a medium, they know I will get their messages out to who needs to hear them. I am honored they trust me and it is my calling to be their voice. I headed to Publix to get dessert for my grandmother’s birthday, Sienna was still with me and explained that her momma liked that store but Dave was “a Food Lion guy”. The house they rented was perfectly situated between both stores. In awe, exhausted and emotionally spent but overjoyed because I had made friends with this beautiful child….a daughter I always wished I’d had…..I knew we both had helped each other today. 

🐚🐚🐚

Three days later, my husband tells me that Sienna was here at our house. It was an incredibly windy day and the heat and humidity has disappeared. Dragonflies are never around when it’s windy in this way but he said one lone blue green one was hovering over the deck. He said hello and knew it as her. That warmed my heart in many ways.

🐚🐚🐚

September 3, my husband and I start our morning walk to the beach and I immediately sense her presence and know she’ll be with me on these walks. I’m not sure why but I know it. Her love of the outdoors? Of nature? Of being on the water? Was she active in human form? I don’t know but the reason doesn’t matter. She is welcome to join me anytime. As I turn the corner, I hear, “ I can’t hold your hand with your phone in it.” So I smiled, moved my phone to my left hand and feel a slight tingly sensation in my right fingers. I love holding hands with her. 

🐚🐚🐚

So much to tell her. So much to share. So many questions. So much clarification needed. There will be a day that we will meet face to face and I’ll be able to share all of this with her. I’ll be able to connect with her baby girl FOR her. I cannot wait to give her that gift. But for now, my focus will remain on sending her love, healing energy and strength. That same love, healing energy and strength that is resonating from her little girl.

🐚🐚🐚

The early hours of August 11, 2023, changed everything for six vacationers from Maryland but what I was not expecting is that it would change so much for me too.

I remembered

It’s never been about them. It’s always been about you.

You just didn’t know it until now. Well, you knew it but you just didn’t remember yet. Being unapologetically you. Speaking your truth. Coming from love. Being love. Stepping out of fear. 

You always tried to make it about them but it never worked…because it never was about them. Fear, the ego, made you think it was about them. But love is now in control, you are letting love take control because love is who you are and you’re remembering, my dear one. It is finally all making sense because you are remembering who you are and why you are here.

Welcome back. I was wondering how long it would take and but you did it. You found your way back……back to what matters….back to the heart of it all….back to you.

And now it’s smooth sailing. 

Now it’s real. 

Now you are able to enjoy this experience because you know what it’s all about. 

You remember. 

So do it. 

Love yourself like you do.

Unabashedly 

Unapologetically

From the mountains high and the oceans wide

Raise that vibration……and the others will come. 

They’ve been waiting for you. 

Listen to Joshua

Childhood wounding. Core wound. Inner child healing. Sounds so daunting to some, I am sure. To others, the idea is probably easily dismissed even…..because “Oh, I had a perfect childhood.” Trauma looks different for everyone. 

This morning, while at the beach, a family of six appeared next to me. It looked like a grandmother, mother, father and three brothers ranging from 9 to 14. Quickly, dynamics began to emerge as Joshua, the middle child, started screaming at his dad. Joshua was threatened with screams back and things like, “you’re gonna regret that decision” and “if you go over that dune, you lose electronics for a whole month”.  My husband gets annoyed at screaming kids and loud speaking adults, and usually I do too, but this time was different. 

Joshua wanted to be heard. All he wanted was for someone to listen to him. Joshua has wanted this his entire young life and is still not getting it from those he needs it from most-his parents.  Joshua was directing most of his comments to his dad and saying, “You never listen to me”, “You always blame me”, You don’t care what I have to say, it’s always automatically my fault”. Instead of being annoyed or angry, I felt sad and had an immediate desire to help and to LISTEN to this boy. So I focused and tuned into his energy. I told him who I was and taught him how to focus on his breathing. He corrected me that the man was not his father and that is when the light bulb went off. Within two minutes, Joshua had calmed down and the man had walked to the ocean and stopped escalating the situation. There was not a peep out of sweet Joshua for the next two hours. I listened and I gave him a physical way to calm down through his breath.

Joshua wanted to be heard. Joshua needed someone to listen. Joshua did not respond well to be yelled at. I wanted so badly to go to him and hug him and tell him he was safe with me and could tell me anything. Instead, I surrounded him in love and sent calm strength from a distance.

It is not until we are eight years old that our conscious minds are formed. What does that mean? Our subconscious minds are running the show. From 0 to 7, we are like sponges that soak up everything we hear, see, feel…. as fact. We don’t have the ability to process right or wrong. What happens, what we are told, how we are treated….by family members, teachers, doctors, that kid in class, neighbors… serve as programming. By the time year eight comes around, the “damage” has been done. It takes years, sometimes our entire adult lives, to heal from these triggers. We all have one core wound that occurred between the ages of 0 and 7 and it will affect us our entire life until we are aware of it and address it. Yes, even you.

I saw and felt all of this through Joshua today. All he wants is for someone to listen to him; to feel like what he thinks and feels matters. Since this man is not his dad, most likely his core wound comes from an experience with his dad and this new man is a trigger. Joshua will continue to encounter these triggers year after year in different forms. I hope he gets the help he needs to see that this is not his fault and to overcome this wound before it manifests into something worse. If not, he will start behaving in negative ways to get that attention and to MAKE people listen to him. HE will hurt him self and others. 

Listen to your children. Don’t blow off their behavior as being attributed to their adolescence, or temper tantrums, or “oh, that’s just how they are”. There is ALWAYS  a reason why. The key is to care enough to want to understand. If your children are under the age of 7, pay special attention to what they are absorbing because they are  little sponges soaking up EVERY single thing. They may not react to something but, believe me, they ARE being affected. 

Childhood wounding is real. I didn’t uncover my core wound until I was over 40 and it occurred when I was four. As a result, I can trace back numerous triggers throughout my life that are so obvious now. I did a lot of forgiveness work and don’t blame anyone because no one knew about core wounds then. We do now, so there are no excuses. If you are an adult, let’s talk about it. If you are an adult with a child, talk to them about it now. If you have young babies, be very cognizant of what they are hearing, seeing and experiencing. Talk to them. The biggest misconception is that kids aren’t old enough to understand and that is complete bullshit. Their souls have been through lifetimes of this and are willing to tell you if you stay open and LISTEN!

Longing

 I learned to walk here. I learned what true family meant here. I learned that you don’t have to be blood or share the same last name to be that family. I learned that the river and bay can be just as magical as the ocean. I learned that you can survive summer heat with rickety old standup fans. I learned how to drive a stick shift here. I learned that true love and heartache can exist in the same person. I learned how to catch, pick and love blue crabs with a passion. I learned that small town life can be enjoyable and safe. I learned that listening to good music and front porch sitting are simple daily pleasures. I learned that a 17 yo driving her daddy’s pickup truck in this town had the whole world at her fingertips. I learned that shoes were not mandatory in life.  I learned that late nights playing card games with 10 plus adults when I was a kid would be priceless when I turned 45. I learned burying my goldfish under that tree was necessary. I learned knowing everyone who lived on your sleepy street was invaluable. I learned the beauty of walking barefoot in the garden and picking string beans after a summer rain. I learned the generosity of a neighbor farmer leaving homegrown tomatoes and corn on your patio table every week. I learned how crucial solitude can be. I learned how to appreciate what is for what it is because one day it may not be any longer.

It’s been almost 50 years that I’ve been coming to this town on the Potomac River. My maternal grandparents used to come here from Alexandria by boat in its heyday. I always cherished their stories and photos but I never really appreciated this town when I was a kid, a teenager or even a young adult. Now I do and the catalyst is because of how it has changed.  The majority of those wonderful people who used to love the Playground on the Potomac and who I would spend every weekend from Memorial Day to Labor Day with are gone.  Skippy, Dickie, Buddy, Wormy, Helen, Eggy, Big John, Granddad, Grandmother, Pap, Grandma, Lil, Bobbie, Edna #1, Edna #2, Irma, Scotty, Stevie, Dad, the list goes on. They are still spiritually here in many ways but it’s not the same.

This town isn’t the same either. Reno Hill, cruising on Saturday nights, the Ferris Wheel, Hops, that place that sold the best square pizza and round steak and cheese, Ben Franklin, my secret staired hideaway to the river, Howdy Doody #1 and #2, playing cards on the back porch singing along while he would play the table drum, watching him making highballs for the ladies, finally being old enough to make Bacardi and cokes for myself, helping each other win card games when others weren’t looking, sleeping on the screened-in back porch, homegrown tomatoes and fresh corn on the cob on the dinner table, a bushel every Saturday night and then crab cakes for days, cookouts, hanging out under the back tree or in the pool as the only relief from the heat, lightning bugs, flirting with the summer help at Halls, piling in the back of the truck for a ride to the Point, fishing off the sandbags, watching her sit alone in the rocking chair missing him something fierce and rarely smiling, friends showing up in the backyard and walking right in, the memories go on.

I’m beyond grateful to have had open fields on all three sides of this property since it became ours in 1981…..until last year.  Now, my natural open lot with an uninterrupted view of the sky and a glimpse of the river is obscured my three houses. The fields that used to be vegetable and flower gardens where I would watch birds and dragonflies and bunnies play are replaced by homes. The crepe myrtles that were barely taller than me at 8 years old and now are mature gorgeous bushes will soon be destroyed. The local fresh seafood markets and restaurants have been replaced by Mexican and Thai places. The pizza places are gone except for one chain. There are two breweries now which is a welcome nicety but parking meters have taken over everywhere. Houses are being erected in every possible green space. 

It’s not the same anymore. But things always change, I suppose. 

As I sit here pondering all these changes and longing for times gone by, I have to ask myself what is it that I am really missing? It’s the people. My people. 

They are what made this town my second home.  They are the real reason for my melancholy feeling toward what used to be one of his and my favorite places. No one really understood that feeling but us. And now it’s just me being misunderstood again, just like that younger me. I’m grateful for what it was but will forever long for it to be that way again.