I was waiting for you

The early hours of August 11, 2023, changed everything for six vacationers from Maryland but what I was not expecting is that it would change so much for me too. There are no coincidences. I knew I was energetically connected to her.

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It was horrific. I watched it unfold through photos and videos and articles. The house went up in flames so fast. The wind that morning was not a friend. Casualties. I hate that word. What started it? Was it an accident? Cigarettes? A grill? Propane? Electrical wiring? Hot tub? Did the smoke detectors go off? Were there working smoke detectors? Was a candle left burning? How did three perish in the fire? How did three get out? How was one basically unscathed and two others medflighted to Norfolk’s ICU burn unit? So many questions. So many unanswered questions. But while I was curious, that isn’t what mattered. My heart hurt….for all of them…and I didn’t even know them. That’s the blessing, and the curse, of who I am and what I “do”. I had never met them but I was so very connected to this tragedy and especially connected to one of them. 

She’s 48. Divorced. A small business owner. Lives not far from where I was born and lived for 40 years of my life. She lost her dad. She has always wanted to be able to connect with her dad since his transition. She believes in the afterlife but not in a devout religious way. She’s brunette. She’s a fighter. She doesn’t give up. Those are the obvious similarities I uncovered but it’s so much more than that. That was just the beginning. 

I needed to go by the property. I knew it would be difficult but I was being drawn there and I also needed to pay my respects to the souls that transitioned. It was quietly disturbing. Inside of yards of yellow caution tape, my eyes were drawn to a mound of burned lumber and pieces of lattice -all that’s left of this large vacation home. All that’s left of a fun summer vacation with friends and family. To the side, a shell of a vehicle reminiscent of car bomb scene from a movie. In front off to the side, a beautifully-manicured garden and seated area untouched. In the back, almost suspended in mid-air, untouched by the blaze…..a lone white dune deck with chairs looking out over the ocean as if someone had just had their morning coffee watching the sun rise. The house to the left untouched. The house to the right looked like black tar covered its entire left side but the rest looked like it was in perfect condition complete with a joyful house flag on the front porch swaying in the breeze. The investigation must have been concluded. What did not burn or collapse had been razed already. That was quick.

I walked across the street with floral wire, a hammer, a wooden cross that my compassionate and handy husband made for me in which I attached delicate, sweet flowers of baby blue, white and a hint of green, and a sense of determination in me that was unstoppable. A small memorial of two bunches of flowers, a candle and a teddy bear had already been placed and I took a deep breath and relished in sheer gratitude for this community in which I live. I cleared away space at the base of the “Whalewatcher” post and I hammered in the cross. Knowing how quickly weather can change in the Outer Banks, I made sure the cross was secured to the post and would remain upright. I kneeled on the side of the road at this memorial and I said a prayer for the couple who perished and for that darling little girl….. HER daughter….whose soul also transitioned on that fateful morning. I assured that precious one she would never be forgotten, and I walked back to my car and sobbed. 

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Typical Saturday morning with my love, basking in Grandmother Sun in the presence of Mother Ocean, reading my summer beach book, I felt a calm come over me. More than halfway through the book, the name “Sienna” comes up. First and only time in the entire book. I immediately smiled, looked up to the sky and said, “I hear you, sweet girl. I see you.”  She was with me and it was then I knew that it wouldn’t be the last time. I also knew it would be at the ocean when she came to me again.

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I had questions. My inquisitive mind had questions. My logical mind was so confused. My head and heart hurt. I wanted answers. But…..we don’t always get what we want and that want was not a priority. Why? Because knowing wouldn’t change anything. Knowing wouldn’t rewind and make this nightmare not happen. Knowing wouldn’t heal her or bring Sienna back. We don’t always get what we want but we do always get what we need! And what I needed was to spread the love that was welling up inside of me and help her the best way I knew how. That morning, upon waking, I connected to her and sent her reiki. I scanned her body and I stopped and spent more time sending healing in areas that were more painful. Her head, her face, her neck, her arm, her chest, her back. It was all upper body related. As always, I did not question, I just sent healing energy and filled those ravaged spaces with love…my love. I connected my heart to hers energetically and sent her my strength and energy for when hers seems to wane. She also showed me someone in a fearful panic running but I don’t know who it was. I was making sure to focus on the good. She was strong. She was brave. She would be absolutely fine when she healed but her lack of patience would be a downfall and she needed to be mindful of that. Once again, we are so much alike. I received confirmation later that day that 37% of her body was severely burned…..all upper body. Tanc.

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Searching online, conversing with her mom, researching, writing cards of encouragement, sending love. All part of my daily routine for over two weeks. It’s like breathing. I am invested in her recovery. She meditates. She is receptive to reiki. She knows it’s possible to reach her loved ones on the other side but doesn’t know how. I can help her make that happen. We are kindred spirits. Her mom agrees. Her sweet mom and I cannot wait for the day that she and I can meet. I know it will feel like a reunion of sorts. We are connected. 

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Thirteen days have passed since the tragedy and I have an undeniable urge to walk the beach and find the property from that direction and sit in quiet reflection to see what “comes up”. From the front of the property, it is too open and too close to the road. I’m hoping the beach side will be more secluded….I’m hoping. I know I am an open channel and will be able to connect somehow. But life gets in the way for a while.  

The Universe wasn’t ready for me to take this emotional step until August 30. Hurricane Idalia was a day away from making landfall in Florida and we would be getting tropical storm force rain and winds from her later that day and into the next day. It was also the second full moon of the month which was supercharged but bringing sensitive energy. It was not by chance that my standing morning appointment was cancelled freeing up my entire day until late afternoon. This was the day. I felt a serious nudge and knew this was the day. I placed a protective energy field around me and got the last parking spot available at the closest beach access to the property. Everything was aligning.

I walked barefoot down the access and onto the beach. Being grounded before encountering this property was crucial. As many years as I had vacationed here and now lived here, I had never been to this access or this particular strip of the beach. Prior to coming, I mapped out how many houses to count in order to get to the property but that failed me because the beach nourishment project had made the beach so wide (which is a great thing) and the dunes were so plentiful and high around each home.

 I walked past the empty lifeguard stand in which the VMI cadet was sitting early that fateful morning and first saw the flames, called 911 and went to the aid of my friends. (Yes, I consider them my friends now.) I am so grateful for his presence and heroism or it could have been an even more tragic outcome. I proceeded to the ocean and walked along it down the beach. I recognized a new house that a realtor friend had just sold and its uniqueness stood out but I wasn’t sure how close I was. For a moment, I started to doubt myself in finding the property but I just pressed on. I stopped to talk to a man who was drawing the words “Marry Me?” in the sand and wished him well. Then, out of nowhere one single seagull flew past me, let out a loud squawk, landed on the beach and looked at me. There are always tons of seagulls out here but not that moment….just one. I turned away from the ocean and toward the road and suddenly saw the tip of that remaining dune deck! The seagull made sure I didn’t miss it! 

I took a deep breath and trudged up the hot sticky sand toward the dunes. As I gently manuevered up the sandy elevated walking path, I was in awe of how lush and beautiful the sea oats were. Then I smelled burning…..burning wood as if there was still an active fire.. Then I saw the dune deck but did not go any closer because there was caution tape and I did not want to draw attention to myself. Instead I sat down on an elevated mound of sand and started focusing on my breathing. The view of the ocean from this vantage point was breathtaking and so private. I sat sideways with my right side to the property and my left side to the ocean. I did not plan that position. I just did what felt right. It became miserably hot…..but only on my left side. I truly felt as if my entire left side was hot to the touch and burning…. and not from the sun. I stood up and faced the dune deck. To the left was the neighboring house that had caught fire on only one side-its left side. From the beginning, I had suggested that was the side of the home where my sweet girl had been trapped. Why? I do not have any answer for that but my entire left side felt heat that the rest of my body did not while I was sitting there.

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Sienna? 

Colleen? 

Bill? 

Please, if any of you are here, would you please help shed some light for closure for our friends who have survived. Closing my eyes, focusing on the waves crashing, I heard a sweet young voice quickly say, “Grandma needs love, Momma is going to be ok but Dave is not. He served his purpose-helped so many, especially kids. Sadie knows but I’m not mad at her. She will learn from what happened and she will grow.  But she’s gonna go down a dark path before she understands what is truly going on in this world. I was wise beyond my years and it was time because now an example is going to be made of me. People won’t forget me. And thank you for putting the cross there. You’ve done more than you need to.  When I explained that I genuinely care and that’s just the way I am, she said, “That’s the way I was. I wanted to be just like you when I grew up. I just didn’t get to grow up. But that’s ok bc I made a difference by dying.”

I hadn’t seen an area with winding paths through dunes and sea oats on a rental property since the house I got married at in Nags Head in 2019. Sienna sensed what I was thinking as I sat in awe of my beautiful secluded surroundings and said, “Isn’t it cool? It’s like a summer wonderland”.  She pointed out the chair she liked to sit in on the dune deck- the only one that wasn’t white. She said she liked to be different-like the chair-very natural.  She liked that angle of the chair because she could see the waves better. 

I asked her what happened that fateful morning and she said, “I don’t know. I just woke up and it was bad. I fell through the floor but I’m not by myself. Colleen and Bill are with me.” She felt like she was “falling” and then next thing she knew she was happy and was “looking down over everything that was happening”.  It was instant-no suffering. Relief rushed over me.

A group of pelicans flew over the ocean in formation and, as always, I watch them in sheer awe. Without uttering a word, she was hearing my inner feelings and thoughts and said, ”Pelicans! Count them!” I counted 8 and she excitedly said, “Tell Momma!” 

Then a lone dragonfly flew past me close to the dune deck area and she said very quickly and with a childlike urgency, “That’s me! Tell Mom! The blue green one is me! Like the one on your back!” I have a large dragonfly memorial tattoo on my back over my right shoulder…..it is bluish green in color. Tanc.

Sudden itching and irritation. Was something biting me? I look down at my thigh and what do I see? FIRE ANTS! Freaking FIRE ants. Sigh…Now if that’s not a sign!

So at that point I get up off the sandy dunes and walk down to the ocean. I wanted to walk the path my friends did from their vacation house to spend time on the beach. I walked straight out, got my feet wet and then sat on the little ledge recently formed by Mother Nature. I love sandpipers and they are always present at the shore line but always skiddush and seem to scatter when I’m close. Not today. Two sandpipers sat right next to me…..content with their legs under them and relaxed. At this point, my back is to the house and I feel wind pushing at my back…..only coming from my back….no where else..a strong force of wind pushing me from the back….a force definitely telling me to leave. 

Gazing silently out over the ocean and feeling a sense of pure sadness come over me,  another pelican formation flies over. I count. There are only 7. I whisper out loud, “Sienna, where are you?” and then hear that darling girl’s voice again, “Sitting right next to you. I’ll fly with them later.”

I love sand crabs and typically see them all summer but haven’t this season…..until today to the right of me. “Aren’t they cool?” she said. Such a joyful bright-eyed girl. So happy and in love with the simple things, I think to myself. “Yep and definitely nature and the environment,” she says as she’s taking all the beauty in with me.

Overwhelmed with emotion, I begin to cry.  “I don’t want you to get burned. You better go.” Shocked, I said “what?!” thinking it was a reference to the fire and she said, “sunburn, silly. Geez!” I am a strong proponent for sunscreen but did not put any on that day because I didn’t think I’d be there that long. So out of character for me. She knew. Then she said, “But….I do love watching the birds with you…so maybe stay a little longer. But don’t go back up there to the house.” I told her I didn’t want her to be stuck there and she said, “I’m not. I was waiting for you!”. Then I felt something touch my right shoulder….it was her head. We sat in silence taking in the glorious morning at the ocean.

After a while I just sighed and said “Oh Sienna…”. 

“Go, Val. It’s time. I’m ok now. You know that. Make sure to tell my mom and Grammy” I looked up at where that house used to be one last time, told her she could always come to me, and turned back to the ocean. She said, “I will! Just tell Momma!” I looked down and saw this cool shell and she said “Wow, it looks like a turtle”. That shell came home with me.

I’ve been walking away for a bit now and she yells, “Val! Wait! Oh yeah, tell her I’m with Paw Paw”

My grandmother would have been 100 today and I miss her something fierce. We always celebrate and dessert is always a mainstay even in her human absence. I look up at the sky and see a cloud formation in a clear V shape. To the left of the V is a cloud in the shape of an ice cream cone. My grandmother’s name was Vivian. I hear my sweet girl acknowledge what I see, “Yes! Let’s get ice cream!” Sienna is clearly still with me.

Approaching the lifeguard stand and heading back up the beach toward the car, I extended my right hand out from my body and said, “Here, hold my hand”. Instantly, I felt a breeze go through my fingers and I smiled.

I kept referring to her as a sweet girl or little girl which didn’t logically make sense because she was 13 but when souls transition they always show me the age they most enjoyed in their lifetime and how they want to be remembered. Sienna chose age 5.

Walking up the access I felt a struggle to breathe. My lungs felt heavy and cruddy. Not my nose but deeper breathing. I stopped for a moment and my darling girl said, “It’s not you. It’s him. It’s Dave. Not good” and hung her head in sorrow. She knew he was worse than her mom. I was feeling it and she was confirming it.

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Often souls will stick with me for a while after the first encounter. They know I’m an open channel. They know it’s easier with me and I accept them. As a medium, they know I will get their messages out to who needs to hear them. I am honored they trust me and it is my calling to be their voice. I headed to Publix to get dessert for my grandmother’s birthday, Sienna was still with me and explained that her momma liked that store but Dave was “a Food Lion guy”. The house they rented was perfectly situated between both stores. In awe, exhausted and emotionally spent but overjoyed because I had made friends with this beautiful child….a daughter I always wished I’d had…..I knew we both had helped each other today. 

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Three days later, my husband tells me that Sienna was here at our house. It was an incredibly windy day and the heat and humidity has disappeared. Dragonflies are never around when it’s windy in this way but he said one lone blue green one was hovering over the deck. He said hello and knew it as her. That warmed my heart in many ways.

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September 3, my husband and I start our morning walk to the beach and I immediately sense her presence and know she’ll be with me on these walks. I’m not sure why but I know it. Her love of the outdoors? Of nature? Of being on the water? Was she active in human form? I don’t know but the reason doesn’t matter. She is welcome to join me anytime. As I turn the corner, I hear, “ I can’t hold your hand with your phone in it.” So I smiled, moved my phone to my left hand and feel a slight tingly sensation in my right fingers. I love holding hands with her. 

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So much to tell her. So much to share. So many questions. So much clarification needed. There will be a day that we will meet face to face and I’ll be able to share all of this with her. I’ll be able to connect with her baby girl FOR her. I cannot wait to give her that gift. But for now, my focus will remain on sending her love, healing energy and strength. That same love, healing energy and strength that is resonating from her little girl.

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The early hours of August 11, 2023, changed everything for six vacationers from Maryland but what I was not expecting is that it would change so much for me too.