Struggling with Faith over Fear

This week, in 1996, I started what I thought was going to be the beginning of an incredible and long career. Well, it was the beginning of a career but I wouldn’t call it incredible but it sure was long. Each day seemed like a year at times, especially the last ten of those 14. But what saved me during those 14 years was the relationships I built - a few of which would stay with me the rest of my life.

Two years later, in 1998, a temp was hired in the office across the hall from mine. We would often “steal” her to cover our phones when we were short staffed. In 2000, she became a permanent full-time employee and a year later I would go back to work in that same office. We would quickly become friends, inseparable, (at work and outside of work) and instant family. The exact moment that this occurred I don’t recall. All I know is it is difficult for me to remember a day without her in it. 

Waxy chocolate doughnuts, apple fritters, ChikFila breakfast biscuits, her baking, lunches at Bittersweet with Mac who called us Snicker and Doodle, Taylon, Kikidee, Tiny, RockIt Grill karaoke, voodoo dolls for Raspy, back door access to Overwood with our favorite drinks waiting for us at our spot at the bar, starting a tradition of winery adventures the day before Thanksgiving, staying in the haunted house rental in KDH and all three sharing a bed, watching football at the bar at Tortugas, recalling Archie driving home backwards one night, Lady Marmalade, karaoke at the Moose lodge with my fam, performing a reading at my wedding, staying at another rental in KDH and eating Sonic on the deck overlooking the ocean where Prowler got fleas for the only time in his life, sharing that amazing crab pasta at The Wharf for lunch, stopping me from murdering M on the daily, being there on that first encounter and keeping my Happy secret for as long as I requested, unconditional reciprocal acceptance, taking my side when Prowler grabbed BB by the pigtails when she kept taunting him and we told her over and over not to go under the table, celebrating Prowler’s second bday, all three kids calling me Aunt and my parents their grandparents, me being there when Freckles was sick, her middle child wanting to be with me at the funeral of her grandma instead of her blood and riding in the car with me, her youngest “seeing” her grandma in the backseat and carrying on a conversation, the kids devastated when I was divorcing until I explained why and then they came to my defense, singing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough with her hubs at my uncle’s retirement party, making my racist Pap like her, always being the best sounding board I could ever ask for, Kanu Chenin Blanc and that shrimp salad, Loudoun Valley Vineyards and Alan Gant’s music, Big Everett dying, taking her to a Tim McGraw concert and getting glares as we walked to the first couple rows to sit, meeting Toby Keith, her obsession, and handing him the phone so she could talk to him, giggling when P went after her feet, that smile that never ceased to make me smile, her genuine motherly personality that always made me feel loved and safe, those stuffed shells, the stewed tomatoes recipe, allowing me to be at the hospital when her youngest was born and me getting to hold her before her own father did, her being there when my ladybug transitioned and again after years of not seeing each other showing up at my dad’s funeral…..There’s more, so much more, and I could write for days of the experiences and laughs and tears and friendship and sisterhood that we shared.

In 2010, I escaped from hell but she remained. We still had our adventures, just not daily. We spent most of our time together on weekends. Six years later, I would move five hours away and we lost touch but that’s the way life goes sometimes. We would message a few times a year but our lives took different directions. The love never ended though. 

Back in May of this year, I received a message that she was in the hospital for gall bladder surgery snd I reached out. She ended up having complications and was in the ICU but all seemed like it was resolving.  On July 5, she texted me at work to tell me she was going to start chemo the following week. I was devastated. How did this happen? All of a sudden being five hours away feels a lot farther than it really is. I came home and had a talk with a dragonfly in my backyard. The message that came through loud and clear was “Stay strong….not long”. That dragonfly would land on my finger and stay a while. For the next three days, in the exact same spot, that dragonfly would appear and even when I called for it to come to me one day. I was comforted. But I also had confirmation.

I researched and researched and, though she was not divulging much, I could feel that this was bad-very bad. 

On July 16, I texted her “happy birthday” and found she was in the hospital. It’s been over a week and she is still there. On July 17, she called me on my way to work. It was the first time I had heard her voice since 2017. It filled my heart with such joy. I told her I know that she is strong but I really hate not being there with her right now. She responded with, “I love you. I just love you.” The convo wasn’t even five minutes because someone came in her room. I hung up the phone and bawled the rest of the way to work. She sounded completely normal and like herself. She was asking about me and diverting the convo away from her. Always taking care of and looking out for everyone else-the ultimate caregiver, even now.

Last night, July 19, I asked if she was going home and she responded with a no but then asked if she could call me. 

🙏🏻Are you home? Yes. Are you sitting down? Yes. (Setting the stage but making sure I was ok first.)

I have a rare and aggressive cancer…..I know.

It’s not curable….ok.

The treatment I’m receiving is palliative care…ok🙏🏻

That’s how the phone call started. She told me everything. I was grateful. Anytime I ask how SHE is feeling she says she is good, as well as can be expected and “my faith is stronger than my fear”.   It always has been. She has always been one of my “Godly” friends. I’m so happy for that, especially now. I made her promise to tell me (or have one of the kids tell me) before the shit hits the fan so that I can get up there. I know she will. I also know that I will know before anyone tells me.

I hung up the phone after an hour and didn’t think I would ever stop crying. When my friend dropped off a care package for her from me and Mom today and sent me a photo, I cried uncontrollably again. But I feel better having talked to her. I feel better knowing she got my package. I don’t feel like I have a lot of time to get up there but I feel like I don’t have to panic and go right now. Probably within the next month or two.

She just turned 50….this week….in the hospital. She is planning her retirement her final wishes and she is 50. I’m 50. I can’t stop thinking of her husband and kids and that grandson who will be two next week. Liters and liters of fluid are being drained from around her lungs and her stomach lining. The cancer is in the fluid. Chemo is hopefully going to help reduce the fluid but it’s not going to cure the cancer. Chemo also is going to destroy other things as chemo always does. They don’t know the origin of the cancer but this has been going on since April. It’s spreading. It’s been spreading for almost four months. If it doesn’t spread, there’s a chance of five years. If it spreads, more like six months. It’s been almost four. I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. But I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the decades of friendship and family we shared. I’m grateful to have three kids who are adults now still calling me “Aunt Val”. I’m grateful for her being hired full time 24 years ago because she is one of the reasons I survived my sentence at Shitty Hall.

When I think about this logically, as a human, I want to help. I need to help. I want to fix things. I want an explanation. I want to drop everything and go save the day. But when I release the emotion and really think about this, I know everything is happening as it is supposed to. She signed up for all of this-as part of her soul’s journey and the lessons to be learned and experienced in this lifetime. We also were supposed to meet when we did and experience all we did together. My heart knows this but my head is fighting it. One thing my heart and head agree on though is that my life experience has been so much better because of her being in it.

Ode to a dragonfly

Mesmerizingly powder blue lime majesty gracefully gliding 

effortlessly over its domain 

captivates and transports me to a simpler time.

Trust me, magical beauty….

You'll know of no safer space than that which is mine. 

Connected are we, you shall ever be free.

(Written 7/4/24 on the middle deck of my home during an hour of quiet time with a dragonfly the color of my tattoo)

Stream of consciousness

I crave solitude but, when I have it, I don’t know what to do with it for long. Nature calls me outside. The sun warms my face and I feel alive…..so alive that I wish to hop on the back of a dragonfly and go far away…..to soar with the hawks and sing with the chickadees…..to glide over the ocean feeling the sea breeze without getting wet…to deeply breathe it all in and never have to exhale…..to feel free and powerful without a worry or fear
to be found…to partake of the sweet hummingbirds' nectar and disappear as quickly as I arrived making everyone happy with my magic without uttering a single word….to want for nothing ….to have no needs….to just be alive and live.

Written on August 11, 2023

You, me and the sea

 As I sit under the gazebo overlooking the ocean, my mind wanders down memory lane. Years of fun filled family vacations. The best of times. The times I long for and miss the most. No one ever loved being here as much as I did…..except him. I still feel him with me and it comforts me but it's not the same. It's the beginning of summer and the masses are starting to ascend on my little paradise.  I remember the excitement all year surrounding the anticipation of that one week. We savored every second of that week and it always went too fast. The last day was always the worst because we knew the inevitable was coming - going home. As excited as we were to cross that bridge, roll down the windows, smell the salt air, finally see the ocean, throw our shoes off and put our feet in the sand, it was equally as emotional crossing that same bridge and having to say goodbye to leave our one true happy place.

The ocean is renewing. Its beauty is peaceful. Its power is truly something that we've always been in awe of. At 50 years old and now living here without him, being in the presence of Mother Ocean still does those things for me. Actually, the ocean does even more now for it is when I am here that I feel his presence the most.

Glenmere Beach Access, KDH

May 29, 2024

Travel Log

Travel Log. See what I did there!? Positive thinking. I heard ya, pretty dentist. If I treat this daily documentation as something I enjoy-travel-maybe that will help. After all, this is travel along my Invisalign journey. Travel to perfectly straight and healthy teeth. Travel to real alignment. Not just the physical but spiritual. That post will come at a later time. I know this is all happening FOR me and there’s much deeper meaning to the word alignment for me.

Day 1🦷🥴

I felt better than I thought until the headache arrived about five hours in. I fought taking a Tylenol but finally did with dinner. I could have taken two but less is more and only took one. I was so excited to take the trays out so I could eat. Not a problem taking them out so that’s good. But those rascally buttons that are on my teeth caused the most annoyance. Most people have a few. I have only a few teeth that do NOT have a daggone button! My teeth started to ache without the trays in which was not nice. Then eating with the buttons was quite disturbing. I felt like I had food stuck all over my teeth after one bite. Then I realized it’s just the sensation of the buttons. Really freaked me out for a bit. I’m really gonna lose weight now, I thought, because I don’t even want to take these trays out at all now! I feel worse when they are out! It was quite discouraging but I reminded myself it’s just the first day and there’s a lot of adjusting to do. I also remembered when I started my 30 Day Whole Food Plant-Based Challenge in 2018. It was depressing for quite a while because my love affair with food was changing. Well, it is happening again. I got through that and came out a happier and healthier person so I can do this too. Patience has never been my strong suit. I brushed and flossed my teeth, snapped my new friends back in and plopped on the sofa with a blanket flanked by a puppy on each side til bedtime.

Day 2🦷🌞

I slept pretty well. Good ole Mindful Movement sleep meditation for the win! I didn’t chew my routine gummy because I didn’t want to take out my new teeth buddies (again, positivity…) and brush again. Maybe eventually but not last night. I woke to that familiar headache which was upsetting but recall the tech saying the first two days would be the worst. So I lay here with Nami, bury my face in her soft fur and begin to get my mind straight before I start this day.

I removed my new friends with not much trouble except it really aches. It’s like they don’t want to be removed. Then comes breakfast. Not fun. Actually eating in general is not fun. I feel like everything is sticking to my teeth and I chew so slow because of the aching and the overall uneasiness. I feel like I have to be so careful. It really is so hard to explain the sensation but it’s so unnerving. My brain says eat fast because I have to have these dang things in place for 22 hours. (Yes, I’m a rule follower. I’m also an overanalyzer-typical Virgo.)  But my mouth says eat slow because it does not feel good to eat. I find myself tensing up every time I eat and I hate that so much.

Lunch was better…. only because I mushed up my delicious manicotti bolognese like a baby was about to eat it. Hey, it worked. I cannot wait to brush and floss though because it truly feels like I’ve smashed my face in wet dirt and chased it with Elmer’s glue every time I eat. A few spoonfuls of banana pudding helped too. Damn does it hurt when I snap those trays back in though. I actually had to break down and take a Tylenol which I hate but it helped. This too shall pass, right?

I made a conscious decision to keep my mind occupied and do something that brought me joy. So I played catch in the backyard with Nams, spent time encouraging my backyard flowers to grow, welcomed the wildflower blooms, chatted with a cowbird and basked in Grandmother Sun for a bit. 

Physically feeling like crap and having waves of nausea (clearly because I’m not eating enough) today, Hubs and I walked to Mother Ocean. We stepped into her refreshing waters and stood there basking in her presence for almost an hour. My dragonfly tribe was in full force. Pelicans were showing off.  Even two dolphins appeared. My entire being took a deep cleansing breath for the first in almost 48 hours.  The water always renews me and brings me into the present moment leaving me with a state of gratitude. 

Hubs saved the day with this incredible Scottish Salmon for dinner. Such incredible flavor and so flaky soft that I barely needed to even chew! I didn’t even need a side. I savored every bit. I’m a lucky girl. I’m so much happier with the way the day ended than how it began. I’ve gotta be on the upswing of things now, right? 

Day 3 🦷🫦😚

 Slept really well which is a huge accomplishment because I haven’t slept well in over a year. Blue spirulina bowl for breakfast was wonderful until I got cocky and tried sliced almonds. Nope. That didn’t work. I found that having the trays out for a half hour to eat works well. Gives me plenty of time to slowly eat, my trays to dry and with three meals that’s under my two hour allotment per day. I also found that keeping busy helps. What we focus on expands, so I don’t need to sit around all day focusing on this misery because it will just brimg more. Nope. I didn’t get a headache or wave of nausea til 1pm but once I took those bastards, I mean beauties, out and ate the headache lessened. The biggest complaint right now? I have a cold sore healing but every time I take the trays in and out, it pops it and makes it bleed. Grrrrr. Nothing a little salt air won’t fix so I’m mindfully enjoying the outdoors with my best girl and being serenaded by the birds to bring in some calm before this impending cold front.

Well, dang it! Depressing moment just occurred while cooking dinner. I can’t taste as I cook. How the hell am I gonna survive that for 10 months? Any chef, home cook, Food Network watcher, fan of Gordon Ramsay or human being who enjoys food would understand this horror. Oh just pop ‘em out, taste it and pop ‘em back in, ya say? Yeah, not possible. It is an ordeal to “pop them out” and that’s not me being dramatic. I gotta figure out a way around this but not feeling that optimistic right now. In fact, with the temp dropping and rain pouring, this is just one more thing to add to my “woe is me” moment tonight. I did the right thing, right? Well, there’s no turning back now, unfortunately. Oh yeah and the barometric pressure changing with the cold front coming in? Not so nice. I always say I’m a human barometer anytime weather approaches but now it’s even worse. All the things that I didn’t even think of when making this decision…….

Fast forward a hour…..Worst part of today? Not being able to lick the mixer beaters of my homemade mashed potatoes!! I make a fabulous creamy, non-dairy butter and sunflower milk batch of garlic and Celtic Sea Salt mashed potatoes! Most people lick the mixer beaters from cake batter. Not me. I’m a masked potato girl all the way. My inner child is stomping her feet saying, “This is NOT fair!” I mean, I’m salivating just looking at that photo!

As I was lamenting, all of a sudden a wave of gratitude came over me. 

Be happy you can actually EAT the damn mashed potatoes! Oh, I am! 

Be happy that you had the CHOICE to go through this journey to better your health. Oh, I am!

Be happy that Hubs has an incredible job and great health insurance and you can afford this journey! Oh, I am! 

Be happy that you have a dentist five minutes from home who you trust to do this treatment! Oh, I am!

I am so grateful for all of those things and more. It is not lost on me just because I am struggling a bit. It’s the human rising to the top. Don’t worry, I don’t lose sight of the fact that I’m a very fortunate soul and that ALL of this is happening FOR me! It’s pretty helpful when the Universe reminds me though. 🙏🏻

Day 4 🦷🙃

9am - Starting out with a little pity party this morning. Questioning whether I did the right thing. Looking too far ahead. I pride myself on living in the present moment but the present moment is not my best lately. I keep hearing, “You can get through anything as long as you know it’s temporary.” Keep reminding me, Sheila. So I made a a smoothie with blueberry, banana, flax seed, coconut, almond butter, rolled oats, cardamom, cinnamon, spirilina, agave and almond milk, looked out at the sun trying to peek out from the clouds and took a deep breath. 

4:50pm -Running errands with Mom today helped….for a little while…until it didn’t. Until the pressure started and I became hungry and I just needed to get home and rest and be quiet and even cry a little. This alignment journey is bringing a lot of emotions up, a lot of emotions that I haven’t addressed and need to. Invisalign treatment is very much like the effects of Mercury Retrograde to me. Some days are better than others in this life. Some days aren’t very good at all. But I will always feel what I feel and never suppress them. I will never be ashamed of how I feel. But I will go within and find out what is really causing these emotions and just make sure I don’t get stuck in that melancholy downward spiraling state. 

Day 5 🦷🐞

Positive revelations from today:

1. Chewies and the Pul Tool are lifesavers in this process.

2. Cutting up a carnitas burrito with guac like a five-year old is worth it.

3. Fresh outside air is renewing.

4. Snuggly puppies are helpful.

5. Halibut is delicious. Well, at least the way Colington Cafe prepared it with a lemon caper sauce with lump crab and creamy polenta was delicious. 

6. I’m proud of myself for venturing out to a restaurant for the first time since this treatment began. I planned ahead and prepared as much as I could and it didn’t fail me.

7. Floss is my best friend right now and I’ll never leave home without it.

8. I am more grateful for my incredibly supportive husband every day because I can be a lot and this is a learning process for us both.

9. Having family and friends who are like family surrounding me is crucial. Spending Mother’s Day dinner with not only my mom but my friend who lost her mom 21 years ago was priceless.

Day 6 🦷🥲

9am- I soaked the liners in the crystal solution while I ate breakfast and it sure brightened them up. My UV sonic cleaner comes tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it because I really am anxious about bacteria. Last thing I need is to get a cavity because of the aligners. That would severely piss me off. I’m gone for an appointment most of today so no lunch for me and will optimize “in” time since I had them out a bit longer than I should have last night going out to dinner. It won’t work if I don’t wear them but I also can’t stop living either. A friend told me that an exception is fine but don’t make exceptions a habit. I’m a rule follower for the most part so I’ll be ok. Using the Chewies has helped but it’s also causing some teeth discomfort. Sucks but it has to be tight for them to move and move is what we need. I also started looking at the Invisalign page on Reddit and seeing before and after pictures definitely encourages me. One other plus coming out of this treatment? My fingernails are growing! Why is this a big deal? I’ve been a nail biter my entire life. Well, now I have no choice! Ha! I’ll take a win any way I can!

One of my best friends lost his older brother to a heart attack this morning and it hurts my heart to not be there at his side. But I did the next best thing and communicated with his brother’s dog which I’ve done before. Such a smart, intuitive and emotional dog who knew months ago that something was way more wrong with his papa than anyone else knew. It helps me to be able to assist and provide love in the best way I can right now. Puts things in perspective. What the hell am I whining about my teeth for, ya know? Your soul can rest easy now, Don. 

Day 7🦷

Yesterday was a tough one. Lots of pressure and aching. It felt so good to take the liners out even for just 10 minutes. I woke this morning feeling better but not even wanting to get out of bed. Some days are like that, I guess.  My homemade plant-based dairy-free chocolate avocado pudding is delicious though and I was even able to put some crushed nuts on top. I miss snacking on raw almonds. They help keep me feel full when I don’t really want to eat a meal. This process sure is a lifestyle adjustment. The pretty dentist was not lying!

9am win! I love avocados. I mean I LOVE avocados! I had a ripe one and anyone who knows avocados knows it’s a feat in itself to have the perfectly ready-to-eat ripe avocado. I’m not really hungry but will probably miss lunch because of appointments so needed to eat something to fill me for most of the day. Sprouted Grain Ezekiel bread, hemp seeds, mashed avocado and a drizzle of balsamic. Deeeeelish! Best part? I can actually bite it! I haven’t been able to bite without major discomfort since this process started and it’s been quite challenging. But I am able to bite this avocado toast like a normal person! I still have to chew slow and it feels like every bit of what I’m eating is smashed all over my teeth for eternity but I’m biting and chewing! 

Talking too much causes discomfort. When I put my trays back in my mouth after eating, it causes discomfort….so much so that my entire mouth throbs. I decided to try an ice pack and what relief! Ironically, I’m using my “boob pack”. Over five years ago, I had a horrific experience with a breast biopsy and was gifted this ice pack. Haven’t used it since but glad I held on to it today!

Day 8 🦷👍🙏🏻

Noon-today is the best day so far. I felt so good when I woke up that I didn’t even want to take my trays out. Part was fear of having to put them back in which always leads to discomfort. I wasn’t hungry either so that helped. No need to take them out yet! So I held on til almost 11 and then made THE best smoothie- spinach, almond milk, almond butter, flax seeds, cinnamon, cardamom, chocolate plant-based protein powder, coconut and banana! So healthy, so filling and delicious! Hoping I can go til dinner before eating again! Haven’t needed Tylenol yet today either! But I’m also not talking much and doing research at home that I’ve put off. Having some outdoor deck time with my puppers helps too.

By 3pm the day went downhill and continued drastically. The throbbing and aching was just a lot. Tylenol didn’t take the edge off and ice packs only did for maybe a half hour. 30 minutes of relief having the trays out at dinner is all the relief I had. I was able to eat a veggie noodle bowl though even though it was cut up like a dropped bag of crushed cheap frozen mixed veggies from Walmart. I tried to focus on anything else and it didn’t work. I tried to relax but I keep tensing up. I couldn’t wait for bedtime because sleeping is the best part of the day now.

Day 8🦷🥹

Irritable, cranky, sad, frustrated, depressed, annoyed 

That about sums up my feelings today.

Does stress make Invisalign tighten? I think it does.

Talking too much doesn’t help. Throbbing, pulsating feeling in my mouth. But I can’t not talk all day when I’m at appointments. But then I feel awful, get home and take it out on my loved ones. It’s not fair and I apologize but it sucks. Today is a day where I just cried. Flat out broke down and cried. Physically it doesn’t feel good and mentally it doesn’t either. Most people do this because they don’t like their smile or lack confidence. Not me. I did this for proactive health reasons…so I’m not miserable later in life. Today I thought WTF have I done? Why did I do this? I’m only 8 days in and I have 10 months to go. Something’s gotta give. Then Hubs made a delicious swordfish, I sautéed broccolini (my fave) and made an avocado, corn, mango, red onion, cilantro and cucumber salsa. It was delicious but THE most miserable experience. FOOD is a major part of our lives and I don’t enjoy it at all now. This is so much worse than when I went plant based. At least I wasn’t physically uncomfortable eating then. At this point, if I wasn’t in such discomfort and counted down when I can take the trays out three times a day for relief, I wouldn’t even eat. I wouldn’t want to eat. That’s how ridiculous this is right now. Chewing sucks. Forget about biting right now. I’m not even craving anything. I just don’t wanna eat at all. What a day…I’m gonna go curl up with my dogs and cry now.

Day 9🦷❤️

I feel good right now. I always do laying in bed and easing my way awake. My mouth has been still and quiet for 8 hours. But I can’t stay in bed all day unfortunately. I mean my dogs would not complain as they are snuggled in with me but my hips and legs are screaming to move. I dread eating breakfast because that disturbs my teefers and then the downhill roll begins. Reality sucks right now. I’m really trying to stay positive and focused but when pain sets in, it makes it difficult. I can’t even imagine how my friends with depression and chronic pain navigate each day. My eyes are sure being opened already during this process.

Yesterday afternoon I almost drank a fifth of whiskey just because I was so frustrated and demoralized but I didn’t because I’m not an alcoholic. Then it hit me….most people decide upon this treatment because of lack of self worth and lack of self confidence. They have struggled with their appearance, maybe bullied as a child, are very self conscious. I get it but that’s not me. In fact, yesterday I was really questioning myself on this whole process. But for me, starting this process has DIMINISHED my self confidence! I’ve never felt worse about myself. How is that a good thing? Then I start going within myself and realizing that just like everything else in my human experience, I SIGNED UP FOR THIS! There is a purpose here in this process. There is a lesson to be learned here. When I feel the pressure and pain, I need to own it, embrace it, thank it for coming and ask it what it is here for me to learn. It’s more than just straighter teeth and optimal oral health in the end. It is about making space and alignment. It is about feeling all the things that don’t feel good, addressing those outdated beliefs and childhood wounds, forgiveness and letting it go. Letting what doesn’t serve my highest good go to make space for the new…for what DOES belong in my experience. In simple terms, this process is about making space for the good by releasing the bad. This process is about alignment-not just in the physical body, but the soul. Aligning with my soul’s purpose. Aligning with those things, people, beliefs, emotions, behaviors that are FOR my highest good. 

625pm. Today was a good day. The best so far on tray 1. I stayed busy. I kept my mind busy. I worked out. I went to my hair salon, was pampered and helped a friend. I sang to my sweet Nami and felt our love and connection grow even deeper. I smiled at the beginning of my sunflowers poking up out of the ground in memory of my soul daughter. I communicated with Hubs about how grateful I am that we have such a good marriage and never fight. Today was a good day.

Oh and this is my new bestie….meet Chewie. When I get pain, I chew on this tiny little green pool noodle and it miraculously helps.

Day 10 🦷😭

I woke up feeling off in every possible way.  Thought getting out for lunch with Hubs would help and it did for a little while. Enjoyed a delicious meal and getting used to the bizarre feelings of buttons on my teeth and the feeling that everything I consume is splattered all over my teeth. Once I put the trays back in I felt absolutely miserable and the throbbing was awful. My pool noodle on a stick didn’t even help. It was the longest I’ve had them out-1.5 hours because I didn’t want to brush my teeth in the nasty public bathroom. Guess that was a mistake. It took a good hour or more of complete silence and not moving my mouth at all for the throbbing to subside. I’m just so sad right now. I sure hope this gets better. I thought I had turned the corner yesterday. Trying to take each day as it comes but it’s not always easy. Tonight I switch to the second tray after 10 days. Most people say the first two days after a new tray are the worst. Can’t say I’m excited about that idea, especially since I’ve only had one really good day in the first 10. At least the headaches aren’t daily anymore. 

So what is this pain here to teach me? This current throbbing tight pain. I need to ask myself. Thank you angels for reminding me of your presence. Thank you angels for revealing to me what I need to know about the source of this current pain. Forgiveness. Where do you need to place forgiveness? 

This I shall now ponder.

10pm- started Tray 2. So tight, so terrible, so much pressure. It was so painful that I cried into my hands while laying in bed and squeezed the sheets over my face. I turned on my favorite sleep meditation for pain and could barely hear it for the excruciating pain drowning it out. I was doing all I could to focus on my breathing but sobbing was taking over. After about an hour, I fell asleep. 

Day 11 🦷🌕

I slept longer than usual this morning on purpose. If I could turn into a bear and hibernate for these ten months I would do it in a heartbeat! As long as I’m sleeping, I’m good. Once I start talking, it sucks. The plastic on the trays that touch the gums are the source of pain and Tylenol is not touching it. I don’t take meds so usually when I take a Tylenol it works immediately. Not now and not even taking two. I just researched and Hubs is grabbing me Orajel right now. Praying that is my new best friend. I’ve also come to the realization that I’m forgoing a meal a day because I need to keep these babies in as much as possible. I’ll eat two bigger meals to get me through the day and night and only have to take them out for maybe an hour a day. The more they are out the better I feel in the moment but the worse I feel when they go back in. I get it. I understand the concept. When there is pain it’s because it’s working and the teeth are moving. I need to find a way to embrace the pain.

130pm- I have the best husband ever. I mean, I already knew that but he proved it again today by going to three stores looking for Orajel. He not only got it but also brought me home a creamy chocolate mousse and is going to cook dinner tonight. I did not take the new trays out til 1215pm to eat lunch. They had been in for 14 hours. I was nervous about the pain and ease level of taking them out but the PUL tool was so helpful. Orajel is now my CVS angel because not only did a tiny bit help put the trays back in but I’ve been almost an hour with out the throbbing or feeling of razor blades on the roof of my mouth and behind my lower teeth. The sun came out for the first time in two days, I only have a bit of pressure and I’m breathing with ease for the first time in over 24 hours. 

I also woke up to an email that was what I call a spiritual spanking. Full moons have always affected me. Once it peaks, it is such a relief but the days leading up to the peak leave me riddled with heightened emotions and physical strain. Last night was my worst night in this process and I was ready to throw in the towel. Then this appeared right on time. 

I started freaking out just a bit when I took a photo of Day 11 which is the first day of Tray 2. Could my teeth be moving already? It looks different when I show the day before I started the process next to right now. I mean the pretty dentist did say that he expected things to come into alignment pretty quickly. This gives me hope. I’m totally taking pics the first day of each new tray now.

Day 12 🦷🫶

Regularly scheduled cleaning today and all was easy. Then off to visit a friend and wow, did that help! I’ll be working at her shop a few days here and there and I’m so happy I made that choice. Being around others, having a purpose and getting my mind off the discomfort will be so beneficial. I got a long way to go in this process so gotta make good choices. Orajel is my new best friend and the only thing that gives me relief. So grateful for the Invisalign community on Reddit that suggested it! I’m noticing an ache in the top left side these last two days with the new tray. Guess each tray will be a new adventure! 

Day13 🦷😁

Today was the best day so far in this journey! I knew working at my friend’s shop was going to help because it would keep my mind occupied for four hours and that’s exactly what I did. I am a social creature by nature. People often exhaust me and I need big time solutude breaks but people also fuel me. It’s not about the money. It’s about helping a dear soul sister by giving her a break from opening her shop daily. It’s about meeting new people and connecting. It’s about having a daily purpose. I can’t do it every day but it will break up the monotony that is my current situation and refocus my mind. I did not complain one time about pain or lisping or drooling or pressure at all today. In fact, I came home and took the trays out to eat and that’s when the pressure started. I actually felt better with them in! That means my teeth are finally adjusting to having these bastards…I mean lovelies….in my mouth. The journey is far from over but I’m trying to take each day as it comes and today was a good day! Incredible how your outlook changes when you’re not in pain, eh?

Day 14🦷👍

Two weeks in and I’m staying steady at 112.8lbs. Well, I did lose 1lb a few days in but since then staying steady. I actually would like to get back my healthy happy weight of 110. My highest was 122 and I never want to be there again. It’s miserable to not feel good in your own skin. 

What I’ve learned today:

1. Stress definitely plays a part in my misery. I have evidence of that today but will remain quiet because it involves other people and don’t want to offend. Another lesson to learn-how to handle it. Thanks Full Moon, for bringing it to light-no pun intended. She does peak tomorrow though. 

2. If I eat a decent breakfast then I do not NEED lunch. Need is the important word here. I am not a breakfast food fan at all but when I won’t be home around lunch time then I nourish myself. I also am trying to maximize the time these trays are in my mouth because they only work when they are in place. I ate a breakfast sandwich and danish at 830am and when I got home after running errands for a few hours at 230, my mind was trying to tell me I needed to eat. But my body was not even hungry. So I proceeded to drink water and told my mind it could wait til dinner as I decided to vacuum the house and refocus my thoughts.

3. Often we have to serve as our own inspiration and I woke up doing just that this morning when I put on my FEAR LESS tank. When you change the way you think about things, the things you think about change. Thank you, Wayne Dyer. Your words continue to resonate with me from the other side.

Day 16🦷💥

Well the last two days have been pretty decent. In fact, we went to Bad Bean for dinner and I was actually able to bite a soft taco and had two beers. I felt normal for an hour. I also had a magical 90 min massage with cupping and craniosacral therapy added in. It was so healing to be transported to another realm for a while. I was so relaxed that when I left I felt the most natural high! I had to wait in my car for five minutes before driving even! Oh if I could only bottle that feeling!

It was no coincidence that I had an octopus hug (aka cupping) on the day the Full Moon peaked! What a release of toxins! I felt so free and so much lighter.

Day 17🦷🤨

Anxiety is creeping in today. Found a tiny black speck on one of my front attachments. Looks like it may be a chip. Called dentist but the pretty one is off and I can’t see him til Tuesday. At least it’s not on my tooth but the idea of having to have it taken off and reapplied is not appealing. A little achiness has come back too. Is that from stress? A rainy day? The unknown? Don’t go down that rabbit hole, girl.

5pm 

I guess I never know how I’ll feel from day to day. It’s Day 7 of Tray 2 and the tech told me to pay attention around Day 7 of each tray because we may need to change every 7 days instead of 10. This afternoon they are bothering me. Maybe it’s because I was busy at work and was talking more than usual. Maybe it’s because it’s Day 7 and they are shifting. Maybe it’s a combo. Who knows. It’s annoying, I know that much. 

Day 18 🦷

Highlight of today? This breakfast sandwich

I am NOT a breakfast food fan. I’m a smoothie, banana, Overnight Oats or doughnut breakfast girl. Very seldom do I ever want traditional breakfast. I do love Crab Benedict but the key there is crab and the hollandaise is not my friend. I’ll grab brunch at my friends’ restaurant but will get the vegan chia pancakes and fresh fruit.  Don’t care if I ever have bacon or sausage again in my life. Eggs usually disgust me but I do love the breaded chicken, egg and cheese on brioche at the local bakery once in a while. Hash browns, yes. French Toast, overrated. But let me tell you about this new little joint about 5 min away whose simplicity and bang for your buck has won me over. Beachside Bites. I totally dig his breakfast burrito but right now biting is not exactly fun. For some reason, weekends are when Hubs and I want breakfast out. But being the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend in a tourist area there was no way we were venturing to a restaurant at 9am. But this little joint is close, takeout only and not many people have caught on to its awesomeness yet (bad for them, good for us). So today I tried the steak, egg and cheddar on a biscuit. OMG! It is the same steak on his steak and cheese which is sooooo wonderful (and I am very picky with cheesesteaks). The egg was cooked perfectly-not runny which is gross and the cheese was gooey but not overpowering. No sauce, not fancy. Just breakfast sammich perfection and so big I cut it in half so I can enjoy it again tomorrow! The steak wasn’t chewy and the biscuit was so soft and crumbly yet didn’t fall apart. How on earth did he do that? 

Now, my trays are really bothersome today which I’m not excited about but I also think it’s just a sign that I need to be changing every seven days instead of 10. Let’s see how the next few days go because I’m due to change them in three days. 

Day 19🦷🙃

Frustrated

Demoralized

Annoyed

Disappointed

I should be excited. Hubs and I are headed to the Patriotic Festival in Norfolk for the Zac Brown concert today and to eat at a Triple D restaurant only a few blocks away. The weather is gorgeous, the doggers will be safe and we haven’t gotten to get away (even if just for a few hours) in quite a while. But what an ordeal now with this fuc%#ng process! I have a travel bag with all my mouth supplies but now I find we have to have a clear bag to go into the arena. Not a big deal but I’m not dragging all my mouth stuff around with me all day. After dinner, that’s going back in the car. But then there’s dinner. I am antsy about it because I still can’t really chew too easily and it’s the Grilled Cheese Bistro. So I’m perusing the menu and finding easy options but really want those things I can’t easily eat right now. Then it’s having to be in the restaurant restroom forever having to take the aligners out, then after I eat having to brush and floss and clean the aligners and put them back in. Add who knows how busy this place will be and then the little middle school me coming out feeling self conscious of people watching me. I will have my contacts in and I can’t see up close real well with those so I need to remember my readers to make sure there is no cheesy goodness in my teeth before I trap it in with my trays. I use an electric toothbrush at home which does an incredible job but can’t take that with me today so there’s the anxiety of “did I get it all” with a plain old toothbrush. Then there’s all kinds of activities going on around the arena and I’m not gonna be able to enjoy any tastings because I can’t consume anything but water with these things in. Can I bypass them with a straw and taste whiskey or have a beer? I guess I could but is it even worth it? At this point, I’m not even giving a damn about going which sucks because I love food and live music. Trying not to be grumpy and upset Hubs but today just sucks right now. Then I think I’m not even a month in to this 10-month process and I gotta get over this nonsense.  Now, I’m not in constant pain like I was a week ago and that is monumental. It could be a lot worse. Also the last time we went to this festival was in 2019 on the oceanfront and the same day an active shooting incident happened at the government center less than 10 miles away. It was terrifying and sad and overwhelming. Yes, it could be a lot worse. Perspective.

I’m a Virgo. I overanalyze and overprepare everything. I get myself all worked up prepping and it’s usually not as bad as I anticipated. But, it’s always the unknown and this is definitely new to me. New restaurant, new venue, new health journey. I could just take ‘em out and not put them back in til I get home but that’s really not an option. That would be about seven hours with them out and my mouth now has gotten used to them and feels worse when they are out. Plus it doesn’t work if it’s not in my mouth and I paid way too much for this not to work-at my own doing. Plus I’d be antsy all night about not having them in and would make myself crazy (ok, crazier). So, I’ll try to breathe, screw any bystanders who decide to judge and just do my thing. WTF do I care about these people watching anyway? I’ll never see them again and who really cares if I did? No one determines my self worth but ME! No one can make me feel any certain way unless I allow them. I am in control even if this human ego tries to tell me otherwise. I know who I am! I got this!

Day 20 

Concert was fabulous. Grilled Cheese Bistro was fabulous. We met the chef/owner, sat at the bar and watched everything as it was made. We even were gifted a plate of chimichurri fries that we totally moaned over. I was nervous about eating a sandwich for the first time because biting isn’t easy but I did it! I ate the ooey gooey sandwich like a normal human! What made it even better? Two private restrooms so I could lock myself in and do my teeth ritual before and after eating! Not getting home and in bed til 130am was wretched and even worse only getting six hours of sleep. My head hurts, my mouth aches, my tongue is sore and I’m so done with the trays today. It’s all because of lack of sleep and because I was talking and singing for hours. Hopefully it will all ease up by tomorrow.  But it was a fabulous outing with Hubs last night!

Day 21 🦷

Well, what a relief! The pretty dentist told me the spots were air bubbles and he fixed them! While I had him captive I also asked a lot of other questions and my mind was eased. I am fortunate to never have had dental problems but I know how scary it can be and how important it is to have a dentist you trust and can talk with candidly. Who knew I’d find that in my small little tourist town? So grateful. Tonight I go to Tray 3 and am trying not to freak out because changing to Tray 2 was excruciating. But as I was told today, each tray is different and affects different teeth. I also confirmed that when I have pain it is actually a good thing. Pain=movement and that’s what we want! No more appointments til mid July and I start switching out trays every week after this round. 

🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷

Well, I feel the desire to switch things up now. No need to keep track of days, especially after those first ten days of hell are over. I told the pretty dentist I didn’t hate him anymore when he asked me how I was doing yesterday. He laughed. I was serious. He is fortunate because when I’m done with you, it’s snippety damn snip and no turning back.

😬TRAY 3😬

Last night, I changed to Tray 3 before bed. I took two Tylenol an hour prior, used my orajel and then slapped those babies in expecting to cry myself to sleep like I did with Tray 2 but, to my delight, I didn’t have to! By no means was it fun, but it was not horrific like the last tray change. They are super tight and the pressure isn’t fun today but that’s expected these first two days. Nothing is as bad as those first ten days though. I don’t ever want to experience that shit again. Last night we went to see our fave bartender friend and I felt ok being there. I went to the restroom and pulled the trays out, had an Old Fashioned, shared bbq potato wedges and a burger with Hubs. I was happy I could bite the burger but was very slow. I can chew with the back teeth well but biting and any pressure on the front ones is not fun. The worst part was feeling like the goat cheese crumbles were plastered all over my teeth and people from miles away could see. Clearly that wasn’t the case but the feeling was disgusting. I also live about five minutes away so I just went straight home and bolted right to the bathroom to brush my teeth and floss. It wasn’t anywhere near as gross as I expected when I looked in the mirror. In fact, you couldn’t see a daggone thing. I gotta get over this feeling somehow.  This morning was a different story- soft potatoes and banana pudding. It’s gonna be a soup for lunch day.

Obligatory beginning of Tray 3 pic

What soothed my soul and eased my mind today? Sitting under the gazebo at a beach access overlooking the ocean while waiting to pick up my mom from her appointment.  For 45 minutes I was at peace without a concern in the world, reliving memories of my dad. I need more moments like those I had today.

What a difference a day makes! Such a huge difference 24 hours after starting Tray 3. Last night was tough biting food and my teeth just ached. But today, I’m not nearly as sore. I mean, it doesn’t feel good, but it’s better so I’ll take it! I still find myself lisping a little but it’s weird having plastic in your mouth. My tongue is not a fan. I have also started making the most of the food I eat when I have the trays out. I made a vegan frittata this morning so I’ll have hearty and healthy breakfast food the next few days. I want cereal and sunflower milk so badly but that crunch is not gonna happen just yet unfortunately. It’s all about strategy at this point. I think once the seven day change starts I’ll be going out to dinner the night I change because that next day will be all about soft foods and soups. Good thing I’m already a planner by nature!

May not look like much but it was heavenly! Lunch at Salt Box - potato, turnip, crab and truffle oil soup and a side of crabcake. Yes, I’m spoiled but I love that this became my happy place and the owners and staff have become my friends. Not only is the food fantastic but I feel safe and at home there. Today we celebrated birthday eve with lunch for my dad and Sheila. Bittersweet. I was able to easily do my teeth ritual in the private restroom and that sure did help with my Invisalign anxiety. I waited on eating the Almond Joy cake though because I knew that would be all over my face. I’ll enjoy that at home later. I didn’t even use orajel when I put them back in! 

Yesterday would have been my dad’s 75th birthday and we always celebrated birthdays. Even though he is physically not here any longer, I still celebrate. We had a lovely dinner at home and birthday cake. But my husband and I had a battle and lost it to the mandoline. Not the Mandalorian, that would be quite a better story. The brand new mandoline I bought that morning to make uniform scalloped potatoes. First, it cut my middle finger. As I’m downstairs stopping the bleeding and bandaging it up, Hubs comes running, “ It got me too!” and there was more red on the paper towel wrapped around his thumb than white. Trying not to vomit, I helped the best I could and we ended up going to Urgent Care for he had the tip of his thumb chopped off. We are not quitters though. We came home, continued to prepare a birthday meal of scalloped potatoes, grilled shrimp and Scottish Salmom. I cut the rest of those potatoes by handing hoping they would cook evenly and they did. Every time I walked past the mandoline in the drying rack I yelled very sternly, “asshole”. It should have made me feel better than it did. 

In tray news, Day 6 of Tray 3, the Chewies are needed for seating but they end up giving me more discomfort after I use them. I’ve also noticed the longer I have the trays out the worse it is when I put them back in. I usually have them out 30 min at a time three times a day but sometimes dinner is for 60 and that’s always when it bothers me. On a day like today, I’m ready to just say screw it. But if I survived a mandoline fight, I guess I can struggle on. 

3.5 more days til I change trays and I’m ready. This 10 day stuff is nasty. Around Day 6 or 7 I start feeling worse pressure and I believe it my teeth saying ENOUGH! But pain means movement and movement is what we want. I just realized 2024 is the year of action and motion. TANC! Last night was awful. I just felt like whatever I tried to do I failed. Not only do I have a right finger bandaged but I cut my let thumb on glass while I was trying to do dishes with one hand. I was so ready to just throw in the towel yesterday.

Well, it’s the night that I change to Tray 4 and I decided to treat myself by going to visit our friend/brother at his new bartending gig-a local pizza place! A few days ago I made flatbread pizzas at home and cried because I couldn’t bite or tear it. But tonight we tried two different artisans pizzas and the crust was so thin it was great! I cut each piece and glad I did because when I got cocky and tried to bite and tear like a normal person, it hurt and I regretted it. Two beers in I thought, hey, I can do this but nope. Awesome thing is they have one private bathroom and they weren’t busy at all so I was able to actually brush and floss afterwards. Of course, I did it all at light speed but it worked. I chose to not use oragel and regretted it because the attachments were rubbing into my bottom lip like it did almost a week ago. So I need to not leave my trays out too long because it is bothersome. All the people who said Invisalign was not painful are downright liars. Either that or they just don’t remember what they endured because the final effect was so good. I can only hope that’s the case for me.

Because we had to pass by and this road really is off the beaten path, we chose to stop in to our fave restaurant to get hugs and say hi to our peeps. It was so worth it. Tons of hugs and love and compliments and laughs made my day. I don’t like most people but I love MY people. Vegan carrot cake that is crazy moist always is a plus. The only regret is not getting two so I didn’t have to share.

🦷TRAY 4🦷

Today is the first day of Tray 4, June 7. I changed them last night and while there wasn’t pain there was incredible tightness. I wouldn’t have noticed as much had a thunderstorm not begun and I had to stay up with Nami til it ended. I was exhausted and nauseous and longed for sleep but a momma’s duties come first. Just as I thought it was over at 1am, I had to take my girl out to potty. Got back in just in time to hear one more burst of thunder. From then on I struggled with very dry mouth. I hoped that would go away as through this process it has been the opposite-lots of saliva. Well upon waking this morning, which was a struggle, I felt the dry mouth beginning to decrease. I’m not talking much which I’m sure is a needed reprieve for Hubs but I’m just weak and achy. I was wondering whether I should work some Fridays in July but now I know my answer…..nope. I also woke up proverbially punching the pretty dentist. I try to keep reminding myself there’s a bigger purpose…I’m trying.

A smoothie for breakfast worked. I attempted to eat leftover pizza for lunch and did it slowly and cut up in bite sized pieces. My bottom right side teeth ache today when I take out the tray and eat. The first 24 hours after a new tray are just really awful. At least I can plan around that now that I know Thursday nights are when I will be changing trays. Fridays will not be fun. Talking is not enjoyable either so I’ve tried to keep my mind busy and not talk. I lost track how many times I’ve said how much I hate the pretty dentist today. 

                                                                  First day of Tray 4

So much for the first 24 hours after a new tray and all is better. I’m almost 48 hours post new tray and this one is the worst so far. It actually hurts and brings to me to tears when I take the trays out. Then, it’s like I’ve gone backwards on eating because the teeth on the right side of my mouth actually hurt when I eat….to the point that I don’t even want to take the trays out and eat. It is extremely depressing. It’s been one month today that I started this process and I actually wish I would not have done it. I actually said out loud this morning that I hated the pretty dentist more than the mandoline. Now that is some serious comparison. Nine more months to go. I’m not excited.

We did walk to the beach and stay a while today. It was quite healing and my mouth did not bother me one bit in those three hours. Salt air, Mother Ocean and Grandmother Sun are so naturally healing. If only I could stay there 24/7.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED IN 30 DAYS OF INVISALIGN

1.  All the people who told me it wasn’t painful-just some discomfort- are either liars, have no nerve endings, have a poor memory or have the highest pain threshold ever.

2. My personality has changed and not for the better. I find myself depressed, annoyed and frustrated most days.

3. I hardly ever smile. Why? Because it feels terrible to smile. The attachments on the top row rub against the inside of my top lip. Also, it looks terrible to see bumps all over my teeth. The roof of my mouth more often than not feels razor bladed or burned.

4. I love food. I used to find joy in eating delicious food and finding new foods to enjoy. Now I find I don’t want to eat most days and when I do I’m not able to eat and enjoy what I love.

5. I don't talk much anymore because it is uncomfortable to do so. I lisp, slur, slobber and, after talking too much, it starts to hurt.

6. I hate unpredictability and Tray 4 is the Devil. I was so hopeful to switch from ten to seven day tray changes but it’s been nothing but pain since I did. It’s not the length of days but the actual tray. Each tray affects different teeth and I don’t know which ones they will be each time. I had started to accept the tightness of new trays, the pressure, but knew after 24 hours it would be ok. Not this time. So now I question the rest of the process.

7. Spontaneity has gone out the window. There’s no more grabbing lunch on the way home from the beach or stopping for dessert after dinner. There’s no going somewhere on a whim. Everything revolves around these trays now. I’ve always been a planner and sometimes to my own detriment. Now, that I’ve lived at the beach for eight years and quit my shitty career, I’ve struggled but finally learned how to relax and breathe. Now Invisalign has set me back.

8. My complain factor has risen exponentially. I hate whiners and complainers and I always focus on being grateful and raising the vibration because I know what I focus on is what I attract. This process has changed me and I hate this struggle with complaining. Complaining does not help or fix anything. So then I get frustrated because I complain too much and the vicious cycle begins.

9. Hydration is one of my super powers. I drink two gallons at a minimum of water a day. I love water. I thrive off water. Drinking water is a chore now. I race to suck down as much water as I can when I take the trays out so I’m only drinking water three times a day. Why? Because it is very uncomfortable to drink with the trays in. It feels like it is pushing against them and gives me the feeling the trays are not seated properly but I know they are. I’ve tried using a straw but can barely get anything out of it or it takes too long. So I’m still getting my two gallons a day in but not the way I want to. I often will take the trays out just so I can drink water. I could give a damn about food. Who am I?

10. Most people choose Invisalign because it’s less invasive than traditional braces and because they have had a stigma around them their whole lives about crooked teeth, a snaggle tooth, they hate their smile, people make fun of their smile. Invisalign gives people their smile back, their confidence. Well, not me. I did this for proactive reasons….to save myself and my husband from horrific problems later in life as I age. I don’t even know if this process will be worth it in the end even though EVERYBODY says it will be. Screw EVERYBODY.  In the first 30 days, Invisalign has caused irritation and pain that I did not ever have before. It has caused me to be depressed and cry more than I ever have in 50 years in regard to how I feel physically. It has changed my personality tremendously- my daily happiness has gone from 10 to 1. It has taken away my ability to enjoy the simple things of life. If I could get my money back, I would stop this process right now.

🦷🦷🦷

Day 4 of Tray 4 and still feels like I’m gonna pull my teeth out at the root when I remove the trays. I also got ortho wax to try to help take away the pizza roll mouth-like burn I feel on the roof of my mouth where the hard plastic sits.  I never thought people on Reddit would be a source of help and sanity but the Invisalign community there is fabulous. In fact, the first thing I saw this morning when I asked a question was complete validation of how I’m feeling and what I’m experiencing. One poster ended with this motivation which really resonated: “Embrace the suck that is the overall background pain of Invisalign. Trust in the process.” Everyone says it’s so worth it but I’m a live in the moment girl and the present moment is ass so for this person to say embrace the suck….I totally felt that right there.

Yesterday morning, Day 4 of Tray 4, was horrific. It truly felt like a top left side tooth was gonna be yanked out. Hen the pain continues for about 10 minutes. But I was able to put ortho wax on one part of my tray and that helped. I’m still struggling with getting it to stay on the pizza rolled area though which is the worst. There’s gotta be a creative way. I was nonstop busy with appointments which was good because I didn’t have time to realize the pain. I also skipped lunch as a result. That didn’t bode well as the first day of Hubs and I working out at home together but I’ll adjust that today. I found I missed water more than food but did have a glass or two with a straw. Good news is when I took the tray out for dinner it wasn’t nearly as painful. First time I didn’t cry in four days. I also was able to eat without screaming, wincing or doing it too slow. I was relieved if just for that half hour. One annoying thing though is the ortho wax really sticks to the trays and I have to spend extra time scraping it off but I’ll figure it out. 

Two more days til we change trays and one can only wonder what joy that will bring. Ortho wax helps when it stays in place and that’s not often. Everyone swears by it but can’t find the trick to making it stick. Oh and it has no problem sticking to the actual trays though and I have a hell of a time getting it off when I take them out. I went to Target and got antibacterial tablets to put in my ultrasonic cleaner in hopes they will help. To make matters worse, as if Invisalign isn’t demoralizing enough, Hubs and I have started working out at home the last two days and my confidence is being smashed there too. What is going on in the Universe that makes it hate me so much lately? I feel so defeated and I never have until May 8 of this year when this process started. I’m truly hoping there is some major eye opening life  hanging miracle that’s gonna come out of these 10 months. I’m really not liking who I am these days.

It’s been 34 days and I really need to find a way to embrace the suck that is Invisalign. I have a very long way to go in this process and it truly is controlling my life. Actually, wait, no…I’m allowing it to control my life. Not that I have much of a life really but maybe that’s the point. What am I missing? How am I so physically miserable now? If it wasn’t for the pain when I take the trays out feel I’m like I’m going to rip my teeth out at the root or when the trays are in the feeling of the hard plastic digging into my tongue and roof of my mouth, I could handle it a little better. I’m not an idiot. I know how to research and I did my due diligence prior to even saying ok to this process. I feel as if a lot of people failed me. I feel as if I trusted a lot of people and ended up with misinformation. It makes me feel like when my first marriage failed and so many friends told me they never thought it would work. Why tell me AFTER I got married and divorced five years later? Why not tell me BEFORE I make a huge mistake? Very similar feeling right now and it doesn’t feel good.

Last full day of Tray 4 and I’m feeling pretty blah and anxious not knowing what the next tray will bring. I was able to eat without pain today so that’s a plus. I was able to get the ortho wax to stick some too which helped until it became added pressure. Still the troublesome part is the roof of my mouth. What am I overlooking? A dear soul sister who lets me vent, scream, cry and bitch daily about this journey and my woes sent me this today which really gave me perspective. Today is June 12. 

Life is short. I believe in living in the present. I went to my hair salon and then errands with Mom and was gone for almost six hours. I felt mentally and physically terrible and hungry. So screw it, I said and Hubs and I went to Fishheads, our favorite pier bar on the ocean. Tourists are here and we didn’t get to sit at the bar and catch up with our bartender friend, but we got a table with his wife which was the next best thing. I went to the bathroom to take my aligners out, the two sinks were occupied so I went into the stall and took them out there. I came out and no water was coming out of the sinks. Guess I’m not brushing my teeth later. I took it as a sign. Sharing nachos and two beers later, I finally felt like myself again for an hour. Still early, we made the trek back home but stopped at our local brewery first, tried some new beers and the chatted it up with two staff. Again, felt normal. My aligners were out for 4 hours and it was lovely. Even stopped and grabbed a fave cheesesteak because tonight I change trays and who knows what tomorrow brings. Aligners are back in until bedtime and then all bets are off. I’m so over this fuckery but tonight I lived my life. 

As I was leaving the salon today this message was on the sign of the business next door: Celebrate the tiny victories.

TRAY 5 DAY 1 (6/14/24) 🦷🙏🏻

Last night, I changed into Tray 5 before bed and the tightness and pressure was awful. I laid in bed crying and admitted to Hubs that I will not give up on this process but IF the pretty dentist should say it’s not tracking and we have to start the process over I will NOT do that. I won’t give up but I’m not going backwards. I grabbed my blue calcite (which came to me yesterday and said it will help take my mouth pain away) to my chest and focused on 4-8-7 intentional breathing to stop my crying and refocus myself to fall asleep. 

I woke this morning to pressure on the top and bottom front right so I guess that’s the area this tray is working on. Hopefully ortho wax will stick there. It does for everyone in the YouTube videos so hopefully it will for me. I already committed to working today before I knew tray changes would be on Thursday nights hence causing Friday to be hell day so we’ll see what happens. Maybe working through it will help change my focus for a few hours.

Calcite reminded me it:

amplifies flow of energy 

Works with the Solar plexus 

Helps mental expansion 

Shifts perspective

Renews sense of commitment in one self that will make anything you want possible

He will be in my pocket all day today for sure as I need his energy right now.

Work was actually good for me. The shop was nonstop busy and I sold my highest daily so far. People were nice and that’s a rarity during tourist time unfortunately. I love it when an older couple comes in and it’s clearly because the wife wants to be there. The husband is tagging along and stops to chat with me while his beloved shops in all her glory. That happened yesterday and it was the highlight of my day because it reminded me so much of my dad. 

The only problem I had was when heading home it was past my routine eating and tray removal time which causes some pain. But I survived, sucked down water, ate some FM sushi and the nausea subsided. Hubs and I walked to the beach and relaxed in the solitude of Mother Ocean and Grandmother Sun for an hour or so. It is so healing to be there for me. I even had a quick chat with a seagull and saw Prowler surfing the waves. Last night was depressing though. Taking the bottom tray out is painful now and the pressure gave me such a horrific headache that lasted through bedtime. I made chicken, black bean and butternut squash enchiladas for dinner which were not only delicious but easy for me to eat. Today’s tiny victory! 

The savior of today, and what I foresee to be for all of Tray 5, is ortho wax. While I still can’t seem to get the pain on the roof of my mouth figured out, at least balling up this goodness on the outside of the edges that hit my lip and the molar areas that irritate my tongue helps. Good old Amazon Prime has a six pack on the way.

I’m sure if anyone is reading this blogpost they are sick of my complaining but ya know what? Everything changes when a person is in pain. I don’t even know myself most days now. Truly, if I could get our money back, I would stop this process right now, but I can’t and that sucks. If, at the end of this, I say it was all worth it, then good on me. In fact, I pray to God that is the case. But I don’t ever want to forget how I felt during this process so that if someone asks me me down the line what Invisalign was like I’ll be able to honestly tell them. I don’t think people purposely lied to me but I do think is just like women who say they enjoy being pregnant. No they don’t. They enjoy the outcome at the end of those nine months. They see that beautiful baby they created and all the bullshit and pain and depression and screaming and mood swings and hating your body and wanting to murder your partner disappear. I believe that’s what’s happened to the people who told me Invisalign was just annoying or uncomfortable. A mosquito bite that lingers is annoying and uncomfortable. So is a paper cut where your finger bends. Invisalign is painful and makes me feel worse than I did before the journey. In fact, I never felt bad to begin with and now I’m truly miserable every day. I paid money for this too! WTF! 

Tonight will be 48 hours after change tray so let’s hope it gets better. I didn’t sleep well and actually had to have wax on some parts just to ease some of the pressure. They say filing the edges with a nail file will help so I’ll try that next, I guess. It doesn’t feel sharp to the touch but man, it’s not nice in my mouth. The back left bottom and top molar areas are really bothersome with this tray. At least I can put wax there but I have to change it out every time I remove the trays to eat and start over. Seems so wasteful. With this tray, I don’t even want to take them out because it hurts to do so. But after too long it hurts to leave them in for too long. Catch 22. Today, Hubs is working an EMS shift so I’m home alone which could be good or bad. I don’t have to talk at all which helps the pain. But I also could easily fall into that downward spiral of poor me. I need to vacuum and I will. Part of me wants to just snuggle with the dogs on the sofa and  watch Netflix all day. Maybe I will. I’ll wander out onto the deck once it dries from last night’s rain. I need to stay busy -well, keep my mind busy- but my body is also drained so I need to rest. I also must force myself to workout since I didn’t yesterday and I’ll do it but it’s happening inside in the AC, not outside like I do with Hubs. I’m not a girlie girl but I’m not fond of sweating on purpose. 

I miss my dad. I always miss my dad but when I don’t feel good I always miss my dad more. No matter how old or young I was, Dad would always comfort me and make me feel better. Sitting next to him on the sofa with his arms around me and my head on his chest solved everything at least for a little while. My dad was tough-mentally and physically. He endured so much struggle and pain in his life and never complained. I am proud to say I am my father’s daughter and definitely love hearing it when others say that as well, but when it comes to pain, that’s one time I am not my father’s daughter. I wish I had an ounce of his strength. I have none of it. But he also came from a different generation and perhaps his unconditional love and protection did not serve me well. It did growing up but now, in this case, perhaps I needed some of that tough love. That same tough love I give out to my mom to keep her resilient and tough. I just don’t feel like I have any empathy from anyone in my life right now. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want a hug or some helpful advice or someone to just listen. I have one friend who does that for me-who sees me, who holds space for me-but she is in India. I am forever grateful to her but I’d give anything for someone to just hold me and let me cry it out right now. I miss you, Dad.

Beginning of Tray 5 pic

I just looked at the day before I started and today and think I can see a difference in the bottom teeth. It’s slight but I believe it’s happening. Pain=movement. Movement is what we want. I mean, think about what’s going on here. We are shifting teeth that are rooted in bone. It should hurt. Then I think about it too much and say WTF am I doing? Embrace the suck that is Invisalign. Phew, I’m trying. It’s not like working out and doing weighted lunges three days in a row and your legs hurt. I mean you expect that and it goes away quickly. This shit just gives me a new kind of suck all the time and I don’t even have any idea what it will be. I never liked surprises. This process is not changing my mind.

I did just sit outside in the gorgeous 79-degree breezy, sunny weather for a while and it was lovely. I’m not a pretty sight but at this point I’m just grateful that I found a soft nail file in my cabinet I didn’t know I had and it seems to be giving me some relief. That and the ortho wax-but I didn’t have to use as much as yesterday. It hurts to smile though. Now, that’s just all kinds of wrong. It should never hurt to smile. Smiling has always been my favorite. That alone is enough to depress someone.

🐞POSITIVE GRATEFUL MOMENT ALERT🐞

With filing down of the trays three different times and the use of wax in certain spots, I have found some relief! I don’t know how long this relief will last but I’m riding it til the wheels fall off.  I am so grateful and so hopeful at this point. I’ve gone from pain to discomfort and annoyance. I can definitely handle discomfort and annoyance. I still have some more filing to do in a few spots but we are finally getting somewhere. I pray it continues!  Binging the last part of Season 3 of Bridgerton which was a wonderful and needed escape this afternoon as well.

🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

Filing has helped. Still need some fine tuning but what a difference! Instead of feeling like the trays are digging into the roof of my mouth, now it just feels like scraping against my tongue.lacing wax in certain spots helps that problem. I also have irritation from the from attachments but wax helps that too. I sound odd but at this point who the hell cares! Chewing a croissant sandwich for lunch was uncomfortable but I ripped it into pieces. Dumb but menial issue.

Highlight of this Father’s Day which saddens me not having my dad here? Realizing how grateful I am to be able to walk to the beach and spending three hours there with Hubs this morning.

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My dear friend, big brother, John, came into town for vacay and we met for a catch up session and beer yesterday. My heart could not be much happier. I met him back in the early 2000s when I worked in Alexandria and he was a firefighter. We instantly clicked and he became like the older brother I never had. A heart of gold, he helped my parents tremendously when Dad was going through cancer treatment. When my ex-husband refused to move his shit out of our home and gave every excuse in the book, John brought his monster truck over and packed it all and got that nonsense out of my house. No more excuses! He loves me that much. I haven’t seen him in probably close to a decade and yet he took time to reach out to me when he was in town. I cannot begin to count how many people come here on vacay and never even tell us. People who I thought were good friends and I find out a week later they were five minutes away and didn’t even say boo. I know you’re on vacay and I’m not trying to bother you but friends aren’t a bother. It has really put things in perspective over the last eight years. So when someone who means so much to you reaches out it blew my heart wide open. I took a straw with every intention of drinking a beer with it but after one sip I was like nope. Took those trays out and proceeded to enjoy two beers sitting in the sunshine with my brother and Hubs reminiscing, catching up, laughing, crying and just being. For almost three hours, I lived my life and didn’t think one bit about it. I figured I’d get home and be hurting once they went back in but I was not! Why? Because love, that’s why. I stopped revolving my every thought around these damn things and I lived. 

🦷🦷🦷🦷

One more night and full day before changing trays again. I’ve noticed on Day 5, the top trays start feeling loose which is strange but at least they aren’t digging into my mouth. I think my teeth and mouth know it’s time to move on to the next step when this happens. Hubs had a holiday today so we went to an abortive lunch spot that we do t go to often because of their hours during the week and how far away it is. Once we found out they are closing this September, we knew we had to take advantage of going as often as we can. Waaaaay to many people out here now which tends to aggravate me so quickly and easily now. If they would just not leave their common sense at home, it would help, but I’m preaching to the choir.  We shared two specials today-wings and tile fish tostada. I obviously couldn’t bite or tear the meat off the wings like a normal person so I pulled it off and ate it with a fork. I was able to eat the tile fish deliciousness with no problem. I played it well because there is only one bathroom but it is private and we were the only ones left in the place. So off I went to brush, floss and put my trays back in. It was too far from home and traffic was too bad to not do the ritual there and it worked. Only five minutes away we stopped at an outdoor market, bought delicious cinnamon rolls and my fave steak and cheese and talked to some friends. I’m not a dairy fan and really don’t care much about ice cream but when I have a craving for it I want the good stuff. I’ve been wanting it from Holy Cow Creamery for weeks because they have tons of unique flavors and it’s all made fresh there. No Hersheys cop out crap or frozen custard imposters. We have time, I’m getting excited and we pull in to find they are not open. Defeated!  So we head home, I clean my trays properly and brush my teeth again and then put them back in. I haven’t used any ortho wax today but that’s because I’m trying not to talk much and haven’t really needed it much.

🦷🦷🦷🦷

It’s June 22 and I’m on Day 2 of Tray 6. On the evening of changing trays, Hubs and I went to have some outdoor gratitude time-visiting a new place on the Oregon Inlet where our good friend works. I wanted to be away from people on the water with a cocktail and that’s exactly what I got. The calamari, tile fish and scallops were an added delicious bonus. Meeting Enzo, the 12 week old golden, and Sophie, the 14 yo terrier, was a highlight for my heart. There was a lovely private bathroom too which was wonderful because we were a good 30 min away from home. 

 Being able to enjoy excellent food and drink on the water with my love brought me such joy. I felt like my normal self for a while and it was a welcomed feeling.  That night before bed I changed to Tray 6 and the tightness and pressure was there but it wasn’t that bad. However, I woke up the next morning and life sucked. The bottom right and top left molar felt like it was gonna be ripped out when I removed the trays. We took a four-hour trip that morning and thanks to Hubs for driving because I was constantly throbbing and my mouth seemed like it was packed with ortho wax. The last thing I wanted to do was talk so I snuggled in with my pups in the backseat and tried to breathe. It wasn’t fun. 

We stopped and met a fluffy cow, my latest animal obsession. His name is Otis.

Now it is two days later and while sleeping was not fun, my mouth feels much better today. Tightness but not constant and I haven’t needed any wax yet. Thank you, Lord. My grandfather in spirit has been present with me since I woke which has been quite lovely. Blue Jay feathers everywhere with no sight of a Blue Jay, a dove that isn’t scared of us, coming through Nami with his famous, “when I’m up everybody’s up” saying. I mean, it makes sense, I’m on the property that he owned and loved. He wouldn’t love it now, though. But that makes two of us.

🦷🦷🦷

Back home and exhausted but so happy. I know sadness and stress have an effect on my mouth. Yesterday I kept as busy as I could with a visit from cousins, a trip to the local brewery with Hubs, pulled pork bbq sammich for lunch and a half bushel of crabs for dinner. Crabs-one of my favorite foods that I couldn’t imagine living without. Leave it to crabs to make me feel normal. So soft and I didn’t skip a beat. It was the first time in my life that we settled for anything less than a bushel but at the ridiculous prices there was no way. I had my trays out for almost three hours and was expecting it to be miserable when I put them back in but it wasn’t! Thank you, Dad and Granddad. I know you were looking out for me. I even enjoyed a small twist cone. The simple pleasures are always the best. This morning, on the four hour ride home, my mouth started aching and now I’m just trying to not talk and remain in a state of ease. 

🦷🦷🦷🦷

Tray 6, Day 4

I filed more and I didn’t need wax. Today I call my rest and recover day. No work so no constant talking needed. I have a vet appt this am but that’s all I have to do today. I’m going to make this a wellness day for me, get my head back on straight, readjust my mindset and focus on my breathing and a sense of calm.

                                                                            Obligatory Tray 6 photo

Today is a complete win. First time I’ve felt that way since the suck that is Invisalign started. I haven’t needed to use wax. It didn’t feel like I was ripping teeth out of my mouth when I removed the trays. Two rounds of filing worked. My mouth and teeth are not aching. My head is not throbbing. I ate breakfast and lunch with just wincing once when I tried to bite off a piece of the incredible dolphin boat from John’s. I’ve been able to drink water almost normally. I took my sweet girl to the vet for her annual visit and she made me so proud. We lucked up our truck after two months of anguish and uncertainty at the dealer. I washed Mom’s car. I helped counsel a friend going through a horrific time. I worked out and pushed myself and it felt good. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but for right now I don’t even give that a moment of my energy. I’m not in excruciating pain. I’m going to celebrate today.

🦷🦷🦷🦷

I woke to this message from Kyle Gray in my email. How fitting! TANC

“With this card, you are being encouraged to see your current situation differently. Right now, angels of light are flying above you, inviting you to look at your world through their eyes. Be open to the idea that even if there’s a part of your life that doesn’t make sense currently, there are greater workings in place that will lead to understanding and contentment. Realize that the real work begins when you move beyond the limitations of your instincts and trust in the divine plan that is unfolding before you. If you have health concerns at this time, the angels are guiding you to be more open to information, feedback, and support. Raphael’s name means “God Heals” and he is the archangel who is associated with health and healing.  He knows how you feel about a particular situation and shifts your perspective. It’s for this reason that he is looked upon as a guide to help us heal on all levels—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.”

REVELATION

Day 5 of every new tray starts to feel different. Not necessarily worse or better, just different. But it’s every fifth day and I switch trays on Day 7. They almost feel loose on top and a different kind of annoying. This started yesterday and I realized it’s every Tuesday since I started changing trays on Thursdays. It did the same thing when I had ten-day tray changes. It’s like my mouth knows time is up and ready to move on to the next part of the suck. I’ve had two pretty decent days in a row until last night when the roof of my mouth started “burning” again. That hasn’t happened with Tray 6 at all until now. I’ve used oragel and filed but it’s not helping today at all.  I also started singing in the car on the way to work and realized I sound like shit. My tongue is so unhappy with there being plastic in its way. There’s something new that sucks with this process every day. So I’m just gonna turn on Michael Franti - positive happy live music- and try to raise the vibration.

🦷Day 1 of Tray 7 (June 28) 🦷

Last night was changeover day and there was no pain, thank God, some tightness but the worst part is the heaviness and bulkiness,  guess I would call it, in the top back molar areas. It feels like there’s something back there-like the tray is bigger in those parts but it’s clearly not. I chewed the hell out of a chewy last night and it helped some. Oh the joys of new trays, I suppose. Life is like a box of aligners…ya never know what ya gonna get. Hilarity right there! Not really. I always give a new tray a chance to make nice with my mouth overnight. Then I take them out, eat breakfast and then we get down and dirty with a file if needed. I work today and we’ll see how that goes. It really depends on the amount of customers I have and how much talking is required as to how I feel. At this point, I really am just over all people and want to hibernate at my oasis of a home til summer ends. Way too peopley out there and I hear our numbers are down….. The older I get the more I just want to be with dogs. Oh wait, has nothing to do with age. I said that 20 years ago…..

🦷🦷🦷🦷

Well, I spoke too soon. The remainder of Day 1 of Tray 7 was miserable. I’m back to being in tears taking trays out because it feels like my teeth are being yanked out at the root. I filed but clearly not enough. I’ve had to start wax again in spots. The roof of my mouth is on fire again. The back top molar is really angry. After I take the trays out, the pain lasts for a constant five minutes and I have to make sure I’m not holding my breath. I’m eating slowly but I was able to eat a vegan broccoli casserole pretty well. The headache and mouth throbbing came back last night and I couldn’t take it anymore and went to bed. Is every Friday gonna be this way? It sucks but if it is at least I can prepare myself. I just wish it as only one day of each tray. If there’s one consistent thing about this process it’s inconsistency. I woke feeling like the top tray is loose but it’s not. When I lay on my side or even touch my face at all, it feels like the tray shifts. A friend told me the other day that mouth pain is the worst pain. I sure wish we’d had hat convo months prior.

🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨

Well the current suck that is Invisalign with this tray is the edges of each tray rubbing against my tongue. It is constant but worse when I talk. I have filed every time I take them out and today in a matter of three hours I have taken them out for the simple purpose of filing and it’s still not helping. I’m so frustrated and disgusted. I’ve used a hard nail file, emery board and buffer.i am so ready to just say F it and quit. I’m not even two months in and I’m miserable. My entire life is revolving around how my mouth feels. I have a Franti concert I should be so excited about tonight and I really don’t even want to go. Singing is going to be painful. Heat index is 113 and the concert is outside. I won’t be able to enjoy my fave food truck because my teeth are sore when eating and I have to cut everything up. Oh and the sweaty, dirty, filled with people bathrooms…..yeah….i think I’ll eat a lot at home before we leave and forego food the rest of the night. I just may lose those two pounds I need tonight. Oh and he’s not even on til 845 and I’m gonna be a mess by then. Hell, I’m already a mess. I just wanna curl up and cry. Why on earth did I choose to do this to myself?

♥️MICHAEL FRANTI IS WHAT I NEEDED♥️

Music heals me. It always has and I am so grateful. Being with MY people heals my heart. Last night I had both of those things and I actually focused on being present and alive. When Hubs went above and beyond to make a special request from my favorite food truck and they were happy to accommodate me, my heart swelled. The public gross bathroom was the only downfall of the eight hours but I made it work. I couldn’t wait to get home and really brush my teeth and deep clean my trays but I made the best out of a nasty situation. Feeding my brother mac and cheese like he was 4 and him taking it like it was normal was hilarious. Him saying that our friendship was meant to be made me soar through the dark clouds that were threatening us all night but never opened up til we were walking back to the truck. Dancing with my soul sister and holding her tight as Franti made us cry as we realized how fortunate we are to have each other in this crazy life was a moment I’ll never forget. Looking back at Hubs with his arms around me and seeing that smile of contentment and happiness on his face reminded me how it felt when we first met at the same location where the concert was taking place. Thanks for the unconditional love and positivity, Franti. It was an honor.

🦷🦷

7/5/24

Each night for a few nights now I have fallen asleep to a Yoga Nidra meditation where it asks me to create a San Kalpa.  San Kalpa is the Sanskrit word for intention.  San means “to become one with” and kalpa means “time” and “subconscious mind.” In LifeForce Yoga, sankalpa is used as a way to set an intention to connect with the heart's deepest desire.

I fall asleep repeating this to myself and will continue to do so.

“I embrace, accept and am grateful for my Invisalign journey.”

🦷🦷

Day 1 Tray 8

Changeover night was not bad. I was actually looking forward to it because the last few days of Tray 7 have sucked. I had my mouth pretty full of orthowax because the edges were upsetting my tongue. Perhaps I filed too much? This go round we’re gonna just try to place wax instead of file and see what happens. I slept well and felt pretty decent when I woke. But I always dread the first day after changeover because it hurts like hell once I pull the trays out. If I wasn’t working I would have left them in longer but I gotta eat and no one wants to smell my sleepy time breath. As I was walking down the stairs I said my San Kalpa out loud and proud. The bottom tray came out with no pain but that top tray. Holy F balls, Batman! The top right felt like I was pulling a few teeth out. Brought tears to my eyes and a scream. Açaí bowl and mashed potatoes for me today!

🦷🦷🦷🦷

Tuna Noods!! 

I love the Tuna Noods special on Friday nights and have been so sad for the last two months because Fridays are always horribly painful and there’s no way I’m going out to eat. Well, this Friday was the best I’ve felt for a Friday so off we went for Noods and beer with Terry! The perfect meal because it is soft and delicious and we only had to drive five minutes during a time when tourists have invaded. It hurts like hell to take the top tray out-feels like my teeth are being pulled out through my nose- and the upper teeth pain hangs around for a good ten minutes. But hopefully it will subside in one more day.

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New Moon in Cancer energy is here so off to set my intentions! This month is all about embracing my Invisalign journey. I pulled cards for direction and they were just what I needed. I also learned that Archangel Orion is here to help me in this process. I embrace, accept and am grateful for my Invisalign process.

🦷🦷🦷🦷

Four days in to Tray 8

No insurance reimbursement has happened yet which is annoying but the dentist said they usually pay quarterly. It would help a bit if I knew some money had come back for this shit show.  I woke his morning to two sores on the inside of my mouth in places that don’t even bother me. Ugh! But after having the trays out for a while they disappeared. Clearly pressure spots. The top tray has been feeling very tight this time but the pain of taking them out stopped after two days. I need to buy stock in wax but am grateful it exists and helps.

I got news that a dear friend of over 20 years has a rare and aggressive form of cancer and started chemo yesterday. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I feel so helpless. It also was a big smack across my face to get me to stop whining over stupid Invisalign. Then, in perfect Sheila form, a dragonfly appeared and has returned every day since even making it a habit to land on my finger on demand. “Stay strong, not long”.

Then last night, another smack. I was boiling water and as I stirred the pasta I splashed boiling water on my stomach. I immediately pulled my shirt up and saw numerous burns already red and blustering. I put cold water on it and then fresh aloe from my plant. Man, did it hurt! But then I instantly thought of Laura who was burned in a house fire almost a year ago. I have nothing to complain about. Nothing. Yet I still curse the pretty dentist I have any kind of annoying mouth discomfort.

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Tray 9 will be placed tonight and I’m contemplating how far I’ve come. Perspective is key right now. Gratitude is crucial. I’ve only had two months completed but I only have eight more months to go! Tray 8 done. Eight months left! Eight is the number of action and movement! 

What have I learned these last two months?

🙏🏻Each week is a new adventure. Expect nothing. 

🙏🏻Working three days a week has helped refocus my mind. Four hours a day pushed the pain limit but three hours is perfect.

🙏🏻It is important to make the most of the free time my mouth has with the trays out.

🙏🏻 I may not always be motivated but I feel better when I work out.

🙏🏻 Forks and knives are special gifts when the acts of biting and chewing cause pain.

🙏🏻 My husband still is a pro at knowing how to “remedy my crazy” even after ten years.

🙏🏻 Prior existing ailments seem to not be as prominent as the mouth issues now. What we focus on expands.

🙏🏻 While talking for two hours causes major discomfort, connecting with friends helps ease my woes and strengthen my heart.

🙏🏻 Hearing from others about their past mouth and teeth pain experiences helps the feeling of isolation dissipate.

🙏🏻Whoever invented ortho wax is my hero! For the first time ever, it was a better deal to buy out Walmart than order on Amazon!

🙏🏻 Dairy is still not my friend but ice cream and Ukrops pudding have become comfort foods….in moderation, of course. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

🙏🏻 Puppy love makes EVERYTHING better. Not something new I learned, but must be included.

I EMBRACE, ACCEPT AND AM GRATEFUL FOR MY INVISALIGN JOURNEY.

 

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Thursdays are my “feel like a normal person” day with Hubs. I always make the most of it and leave my trays out for way too long but my philosophy is I have to live and the next day is historically-over the last two months-pure hell. So today we went to visit our friend at the local rum distillery, made friends with incredible tourists from Williamsburg and picked up fabulous wings and taco pizza from Madisons. It was three hours of loveliness. Living in the moment!

It’s the first time we’ve been to the distillery since this process started and everything was so easy. I knew it would be because they have a private bathroom. Popped the trays out and then since I had water in the car and ate no food I popped them back in once I got in the truck to come home. I had to pull the meat off the bone and cut the pizza when I ate it but no big deal! Such a delight to feel normal for a few hours!

🦷Day 1 Tray 9 (7/11/24)🦷

Popped two tylenol and a Benadryl before popping my new trays in last night before heading to bed. The only pain I felt was the upper left teeth when I used the Chewies. Placed wax along the typical bottom tray edges that scrape my tongue, put on my Yoga Nidra meditation and off to dreamland I went. I’m feeling pretty decent upon waking but I haven’t gotten out of bed yet. Nami has been a lovey snuggler which is so fun!

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I could have stayed in bed or on the sofa and felt sorry for myself all day but I didn’t and I’m so proud of myself. When I took the trays out for the first time in 12 hours, I screamed because the top teeth felt like they were being yanked out by the root. But my delicious smoothie for breakfast helped. I have a mouth full of wax again on the lower tray even though I filed some. Seems like filing doesn’t do jack for me anymore. The top tray is tight and the roof of my mouth is sore again. I was hoping I was past that point but I guess not. I’m hoping that by Sunday (it’s Friday) that will ease up. It usually does.🙏🏻

I decided to go blueberry picking this morning before the predicted rain comes all day tomorrow. This is a local place where I usually go strawberry picking but have never been for blueberries. To my surprise, there were rows of wildflowers and sunflowers too! My sweet soul daughter always finds a way to let me know she’s with me and it is never expected but so perfect! I basked in their beauty and frolicked with some butterflies before picking. 

It was glorious because I was the only person there in the fields! Well, there was this one guy but he was all the way on the other side so that didn’t count.

I am new to blueberry picking so I researched a few things and so glad I did! As I was enjoying my little adventure, it started to sprinkle but it actually was quite refreshing. Then a little while later I felt something lightly hitting me on the back but honestly thought it was a bird dropping seeds or something. I didn’t think anything of it until I hear my name. I turn around and guess who is a few rows over grinning at me and throwing blueberries at me? The pretty dentist! Seriously? Of all people! Hubs asked me if I punched him in the face and I said no, but only because his little girl was with him. One thing that hasn’t changed through this process is me blaming him for every bit of pain I have. I know it’s not his fault, but it helps to yell, “Damn you, Gunther!” as loud as I can. He’s such a nice guy though and it makes it hard to hate him in public. He didn’t ask me how I was doing though. Smart AND pretty. He learned from that one time when he asked and my response was a really dirty look. While he and his daughter romped through the fields, picking one and then popping one in their mouth I did get envious though. Because of these stupid trays, I could taste test!!

As I was just about done picking, the rains came back and were pretty steady. It felt so good. Had I not had my cell, I would have stayed and danced. Instead I made my way to the car and was proud of my two pound bounty. 

The key to getting through Invisalign discomfort today? Staying busy and keeping my mind occupied.

Rains are coming up the coast from the south and tomorrow should be a complete washout. It’s been off and on cloudy today but the winds have really picked up. Hubs and I decided to walk the beach because salt air and Mother Ocean always heal. We made it 15 minutes because the wind was so bad we were getting pelted by sand. But those few moments were still glorious as we were the only ones on the beach except for one other couple. This time of year, that is unheard of. We remain grateful.

Hey, look at that! I’m actually smiling with my trays in! Is it because I’m at the beach? Is it because no one else is there? Is it because Hubs’ beard is growing in because he hasn’t worked EMS a in a while? Yes, it is all of those things!

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Hubs’ grilled Scottish Salmon with my creamy cheesy polenta-the perfect comfort food for dinner!

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My biggest complaint about Tray 9? The plastic of the trays makes my tongue feel like raw ragged meat. I have so much wax on this bottom tray that I can barely talk and when I do talk it hurts! Ugh! The top gray is making my roof of my mouth burn too. I’m so over this bs! I feel good when the trays are out though so there’s that.

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Woke up and wax was placed so well, I wasn’t hungry so left it alone and we went to the beach. I had them in for 14 hours straight. They say they only work when they’re in and wear them as much as possible. All was well until I took them out for the first time to eat around noon. Felt like I was ripping my teeth out….just like every Friday. So I’m damned if I do and dammed if I don’t with these things. All I want is to feel normal and good again. I don’t even care how crooked my teeth look. I never did. I tried to leave wax out as much as I could because having a mouth full of wax doesn’t always feel good either. I placed two pieces in targeted areas and just tried not to talk but it still felt awful on my tongue. We went to dinner and I was so happy to have the trays out for two hours. I felt normal, it didn’t hurt. But then I put them back in when I get home and the top tray felt super tight and the bottom was scraping my tongue….so here comes the wax. MISERABLE. If anyone asks how I feel, that’s the best word. I see the pretty dentist in four days. I hope he’s ready for me….his favorite miserable patient.

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Proud of myself.

I went to a new to me place for lunch, ate a delicious steak and cheese with a fork and knife and brushed my teeth and put my trays back in at the private bathroom. I had an hour to get home so had make it work.

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I’ve tried to use little amounts of wax the last few days because of the pressure. I worked today and did a reading and now my mouth is throbbing. I want to just rip these assholes out of my mouth. Tomorrow at 8am, I go to see the pretty dentist for a follow up and to get the next set of trays. I pray all is going according to plan. I’m ready to tell him how miserable this is though and how I truly wish I hadn’t done it. It’s gonna be interesting. 

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Good news: My teeth are tracking well. I have great oral hygiene. I got the rest of my trays and go back mid September.

Bad news: 90% of patients don’t have pain and misery. I’m the lucky 10%. I’m unique, I was told by the pretty dentist. Fabulous…….

If I had a fat round face without any bony structures on the bottom part of my mouth, I’d be in the 90%.

I flat out told him I wished I hadn’t agreed to Invisalign. Wax is my only saving grace and he validated that thought. 

Best news: I don’t have to start over. I mean, that wasn’t an option to me if he said we had to but it sure is nice to not have to stand my ground on that one. I may be miserable but it’s working.

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Day 1, Tray 10 (7/19/24)

Even Hubs can see changes. It’s not just me! My top two front teeth are straighter. The crowded threesome on the front bottom are starting to fall into line. It helps to see that it’s working. It’s been a little over 70 days. 

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Today was THE first Friday that I took out my new trays and it did not make me scream or cry. Both trays came out without any pain! I think the whole country heard my exuberant roar of delight! Thinking I made it up, five hours I took them out again to eat lunch and NO pain! Usually Fridays are pure hell are filled with throbbing and pain but not today! I didn’t have to eat soup or mashed potatoes either! I am so happy! 

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Well a pain free new tray day was short lived. By 7pm I was really hurting. Tons of wax, throbbing top row of teeth and roof burning. I become so defeated when pain is involved. Again, I can’t imagine how people live with chronic pain. 

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Day 2 of Tray 10

Hubs got me my fave breakfast biscuit sandwich and tater tots. Tater tots were a challenge because they are crunchy. The biscuit was perfectly soft and delicious. But now I’m at the point where it hurts with trays in and witty trays out. Plus there is one damn attachment on the bottom row that is really aggravating my lip. Hoping tomorrow is a better day. Annual Crab Fest tonight in ECity and I’m grateful crabmeat is soft. Bring on the beer too, please! I need something fun to focus on and friends to take my mind off things today.

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Crabs never fail me. I had my trays out for three hours while at the third annual ECity Seven Sounds crab fest last night and I felt great! I drank beer through a straw for as long as I could handle it and I popped about two dozen crabs before I couldn’t stand not tasting them while I worked and then went to the bathroom and popped out those bad boys. Thank God crabs are soft! My sweet twins even supported me when I went back to the bathroom to brush my teeth and put the trays back in….standing at my side, commiserating because one had traditional braces a year ago. I didn’t even care that I was out in the open and women were walking by me. I learned so much from two 16 yo darlings! Just what I needed in so many ways! I woke up in the middle of the night hurting and, with my eyes half open, I was able to put wax in place to stop the underside of my tongue from rubbing. When I woke this morning, I saw two raw areas and immediately took the trays out. I haven’t been using as much wax the last few days but I guess I need to now to protect my tongue. Damn you, pretty dentist! Today, I am home alone and am going to bask in not talking for 12 hours and hope that is healing.

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I’ve come to the realization that I’m just gonna have to get used to wax in my mouth. The annoying thing is the inconsistency. The last two days (and only one day left of this tray) I’ve had to put wax in places on the top tray and on the outside because the attachment is pushing against my lip. It is all so random and I guess it’s because different teeth are being affected with different trays. I also had a sore beginning on the left side of my mouth above the corner of my mouth. I believe it was because I was talking excessively and the tray was rubbing. I still can’t bite but at least it’s not hurting to eat. I’ve had two non-stop emotional and physically exhausting days without much sleep. My mouth is sore and my mind is weary. I was fighting working out but I haven’t in days and am so glad I did because I feel rejuvenated. So grateful for this Street Parking home gym that Hubs created. So important to listen to my body!

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DAY 1 TRAY 11

When changing trays, I noticed what looks like an air bubble on another attachment but on a back lower left side tooth this time. Again, out of nowhere it pops up. I hate this crap. I can’t be seen by the pretty dentist til Tuesday but at least I’m going with Mom already that day anyway. I’m getting real annoyed with this extra curricular nonsense. 

Putting trays in last night wasn’t horrific but the top tray really had to be pushed in there hard. That tray is really bothering my tongue too which is unusual. It’s usually the bottom tray and still is so I guess Wax Mouth is my new nickname. Super fun and comfortable. Happy Friday…

Well, the day just got worse as far as my mouth goes. My entire mouth hurts and I feel like I have every bit covered in wax to stop my tongue from becoming raw hamburger meat. It feels better when the trays are out but it doesn’t work if the trays are out so I’m trying to suck it up. I had a breakdown and just cried my eyes out for 10 minutes earlier. Lack of sleep the last three nights isn’t helping with the emotions. But after over a week of not making it to my happy place, Hubs and I went today to try to relax and refocus.

I still wish I’d never started this process. It hurts to kiss my husband. I mean, seriously, I’m not talking passionate make out sesh. I’m talking a simple peck before going to work in the morning. I’m so over this bs. Give me my healthy, crooked teeth back and let’s call it a day. Still waiting on my insurance checks to arrive even though I’ve received notice of four being cut too. I’m the one who refuses to have surgery unless it’s a life threatening or saving surgery. So why the hell did I agree to this process? 

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How am I feeling today? 

Miserable

Defeated

Frustrated

Annoyed

Disgusted

I’m just so over this Invisalign crap! Every tray has its own set of issues and annoyances, I’m a girl who likes consistency and there is none of that with this process. This tray has been one of the worst because of the irritation to my tongue. The trays are so rough on the edges that it tears into my tongue. I can’t fill my entire mouth up with wax but I’m doing as much as I can. I’m even feeling pressure in places I never have before. I cannot wait to take them out three times a day. I’m leaving them out longer too because it’s too uncomfortable to have them in. I’ve filed and filed and filed more. Doesn’t matter. Talking is the worst part which makes it fun on days I have to work. I’m ready to rip these trays out and throw at the pretty dentist tomorrow. Oh and an added bonus? He said I’d lose weight. I’ve gained weight. Why the F did I do this?

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My air bubble got fixed. I got to see one of my fave techs and she was able to shed some more light on my Invisalign expectations as she had it done previously and had some similar issues. She also makes me laugh and we pick on the pretty dentist. He gave her two gold stars today and I witnessed it…..just in case she needs this proof later on (7/30/24). She also told me what to expect at the next appointment-it will determine where I am in the process, if I need refinements (more trays) and when to start retainers. It was wonderful to hear that she noticed that it is definitely working for me even though most days the razorblading tongue feeling outweighs the fact that it’s working. I am so damn grateful for wax because without it I would have given up. I may sound like a mush mouth talking but at least my tongue is protected. This tray has been the worst since Tray 4. 

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Tray 12 Day 1

So far, so good. Top row is painful. Don’t need as much wax on the bottom as the last tray thankfully. 

Still ready for this nonsense to be over though. I can tell a difference flossing now. They are definitely moving. 

I worked this morning and survived pretty well until, on the way home, when my top row of teeth started hurting and throbbing. I mean, I get it. The trays are literally moving my teeth. Teeth that haven’t moved is 50 years. It’s supposed to hurt. Doesn’t mean it has to be enjoyable though. I started to cry on the way home and yearn for my dad. No matter how young or old, Dad always made me feel better. When I took the trays out to eat lunch, tears flowed because the top tray did not want to come out. Bottom, totally fine. Clearly, the top is what’s being worked on with this tray. Honestly, I’d rather have pain like this than razor blades on my tongue like the last tray though. I still have wax in my mouth but not as much as the last tray. I could barely talk for all the wax. Right now, I’m seriously considering telling him let’s go straight to retainers in September. A lot more straightening should occur within a month and a half. 

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Day 3 of Tray 12 and I’m just so over all of this. The pain of taking the trays out has subsided which I have found is usually the case after Day 2. The only issue I have now is the damn plastic trays digging into my tongue. I wish there was something else I could do- some trick -other than filing and wax. I did journal with the New Moon today and found so,e incredible insight which I will focus on. Physical health is just as important as mental health.

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I don’t know if there is any evidence of this but I KNOW from my own experience that weather definitely affects Invisalign. Every time there has been a barometric pressure change or rains start in the form of a storm, I feel it. My mouth tightens. It feels like it’s swelling. Hurricane Debby made landfall in Florida this morning and is heading this way, scheduled to bring a shit ton of rain in a few days. We are already under flood watches and the clouds are looming. Yesterday was a landspout turned water spout in KDH. My mouth is aching like it does the first five minutes after I take a Friday morning tray out and it’s Monday. There’s no reason for it to feel this way….except the weather. Ever since we moved to the ocean eight years ago, I have been more affected by the water and the weather…..physically and spiritually. This makes perfect sense to me. 

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DAY 1 TRAY 13

Good news is the pain removing the trays this morning was not horrific and tear provoking as usual for Fridays. I still can’t bite and tear but I can chew if I cut things up into small pieces. I could deal with all of this nonsense and even the moderate pain. It’s the hard plastic causing tearing of my tongue that is the biggest problem. I’m so tired of filling my mouth up with wax. My personality has completely changed and it’s not fair to Hubs at all. I’m miserable 90% of the time now and that is not me.i have a lot of decisions to make in anticipation for this Sept dentist appointment. I don’t see how I can continue on in this way through March 2025. I can’t even close my mouth and rest my top row against my bottom row properly bc of the trays and the wax. So my jaw is being affected and I’m just physically and emotionally exhausted. I’m doing all I can to change my mindset but it’s really wearing on me. My entire life is revolving around Invisalign and I want my life back.

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“Your body hears everything your mind says. Think kind thoughts. Your body is listening.” Kris Carr

This is so true and I know it. I teach it. 

Last night upon placing Tray 13 I told my teeth and mouth I loved them and thanked my trays for not causing pain. I wasn’t pain free but it sure has been a lot more tolerable than the past first days.

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For future reference, I feel it’s necessary to document what a typical routine is for me. If anyone ever asks me if I recommend Invisalign, I will be honest and point them toward this blog. Every body is different, I know that, but I feel like I was not properly prepared for this process.

Morning:

Wake up 730/8

Go upstairs and get breakfast prepared and almost ready to eat

Go downstairs and peel wax off trays and throw away.

Remove trays will PUL tool.

Fill up ultrasonic cleaner with water and place trays in

Turn on for five minutes

Make the most of this five minutes

Five minutes are up.

Remove trays and place on paper towel to air dry

Go upstairs and eat breakfast and drink as much water as possible bc it’s harder with trays in

Eat a smoothie, yogurt or spend time cutting a sandwich up in small pieces because I can’t bite.

Keep an eye on the time because within 30 min time of taking trays out, they need to go back in

Finish breakfast and go back downstairs

Brush teeth

Floss

Dry each tray with a paper towel

Continue to go through each tray with Qtip to make sure no liquid is left.

Place trays back in

Use Chewie tool to push trays in place and make sure they are tight

Place wax on places that are needed.

Wax usually falls off because there is saliva in my mouth and I have to reapply a few times before it is in place.

Once I think I have the spots, I talk and realize there are spots I missed and need to add more. Sometimes, adding new wax pushes existing wax out of place and I have to start over.

Lunch  (or need a break from wax mouth) 1/2ish

Same routine as morning

Trays can’t be out for more than 30 minutes 

Dinner 7/730ish

Same routine except add a denture cleanser tablet to the water 

I’m allowed 2 hours a day of trays being out so dinner is usually close to an hour. I use this time to enjoy having the trays out but it only hurts me if I leave them out for too long because they don’t work if they are not in and usually it is painful when they are out for too long.

Done eating, back downstairs to brush floss and put trays back in. 

This time it will be for the night because trays won’t come out again until the next morning.

By this time it’s after 8 and I’m exhausted. Oh and my tongue tends to go straight to the wax or find places that are rough automatically which inevitably then pushes wax out and I have to start all over placing it. Talking is uncomfortable and I tend to not talk unless absolutely necessary.

IF we go out to eat, I have an entire makeup bag with supplies that I must take with me:

Invisalign case to put trays when they are out

Toothpaste

Toothbrush

Floss

Chewie

Pull tool

Qtips 

Paper towels (bc those cardboard cheap paper ones are harsh)

Wax

Trays have to come out and go in their case before I eat or drink. If I’m within 15 minutes of home, I wait to get home and clean them and put them back in. If I’m not, I have to go through the routine as best I can in the restaurant bathroom. But I still get home and put them in the cleaner and do the whole process over.

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Had the worst time trying to fall asleep last night

Wax falling out

Wax hardening by my bony parts and hurting

Monkey mind racing

Jaw aching

Tongue sore

Not being able to close my mouth comfortably

Can’t lay on left side of face or feels like trays are being pushed

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Trying

Hoping

Setting intentions

Praying

Allowing

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No one gets it. Honestly, very few ever have in my life. Not really. They see the outside face that I put on. The happy, well adjusted, positive, easy going, nothing bothers me person. They probably think I’m spoiled and are envious of my life-that I get to live at the beach, that I don't have to work a full time job and think I just live the perfect posh life. What they don’t see is the little girl who is battling with “I’m not good enough” issues, borderline depression, body image issues, trying to please everyone and feeling all the things all the time. Those issues have become more dominant and at the forefront of my daily life since May 8. One person knows all of this and she is my other half, my soul sister who lives in South Africa. Isn’t it amazing that someone I’ve never met physically and probably never will knows me better than anyone? She loves me, she empathizes with me, she holds space for me and she never expects anything in return although I reciprocate every bit of what she provides. We finish each other’s sentences. We feel what the other feels. We guide, we listen, we cry and live with and for each other. We never judge. Yes, I often wish that we could spend time together but even without that physical presence there is never a moment we are not connected. For that, I am so grateful, especially during one of the darkest times of my personal journey.

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August 11, 2024

One year 

I wanted to honor her. I wanted to do something grand. I had the best intentions but I did nothing but cry and relive the pain and go through the motions of the day. I woke to feeling completely winded walking up a flight of stairs which made no sense and then I was so hot that I felt like I was burning from the inside out. Nothing worked to cool me down. I even looked at the thermostat to see if something was wrong. Walking outside did not help. It almost made it worse but then there was no relief upon coming back in like usually occurs. I knew what I was feeling but it wasn’t my little one. No way she would make me feel like that. Then after a while it hit me. Colleen. She knows I still am riddled with questions and she has the answers. But I have to go there to reach her and my girl made me promise not to ever go back. The burning and breathlessness ended. I didn’t go although it was tempting. I sat on the sofa, binged “This is Us” and cried more.

When I usually settle in for the night, after dinner and after putting these asshole trays back in my mouth plastered with wax, I felt an undeniable urge to go for a walk. So I proceeded to walk down the street at a brisk pace heading toward Mother Ocean. I know it would probably be dark before I got back home but I had to be there. Hubs didn’t try to stop me. He knew. I needed some sort of peace and to be where I was understood. I got to the end of my street and as I made the turn I said, “Daddy? Don?” One appeared on each side as protectors and said sternly but solemnly, “We got you”. I head straight toward the Bypass and I feel her jump on my shoulders, legs dangling on each side of my neck, “Don’t forget me!” I bawled the rest of the walk. Once I got to the beach, I took off my flip flops and instant grounding on the sand. Trying to get away from the people, I walk over to the ledge and sit. What do I see? A German shepherd puppy who just stops and looks into my eyes from a distance. Oh how I wanted to go see him but my body was so tired and my heart didn’t want to cry anymore. My other protector was making himself known too. 

Depression is tough. Depression is real. This is only minor for me and I know it’s temporary. There is an end in sight, even if it’s one that I decide to make happen sooner than the pretty dentist has planned. But it IS temporary and I AM in control. No matter how much it sucks, I must not lose sight of that. 

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I’ve noticed lately that my face is slimmer, that on each side of my face near my eyes, looks sunken in. It reminds me of Bobbie’s face where her head from the aneurysm was removed- “the hole in her head”. Is it just MR bringing that to my attention? I also feel like my upper cheekbones are more pronounced too on each side. Then on each side of my chin is also dimpled in. I look sickly and I hate it. I know it’s because I hardly ever smile anymore and my face is just drawn now. I expected and wanted to lose weight but not in my face!

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Day 1 Tray 14

This is the worst Friday since Tray 4. Hubs could hear it snap in to place when I put them in last night. Brought me to tears and even using the Chewy was painful. I’m having to put wax in spots I haven’t had to before. Thankfully it only feels like two teeth are being pulled out when I remove them. It’s also not affecting my eating which is a blessing. But my mouth is throbbing and aching and work just plain sucked today. It’s depressing to be so miserable. The quote of the day was when Hubs said, “It’s been a while since we’ve had a “F you, Gunther” Friday. Yes, babe, it has and this one is in capital letters.

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What a difference a day makes! Day 2 of Tray 14 was incredibly better than Day 1. I mean one extreme to the other. We went to the beach, I gave gratitude and even had my craving of Birria Tacos and table side guac fulfilled for dinner! I had to tear the tortilla chips in small pieces and cut up my tacos but who cares? It was absolutely delicious and not painful! 

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I’m grateful for wax, so grateful, but it starts to cause its own irritation in some parts of my mouth. It also takes a while to get it placed and then once I get the left side in place, I go for the right and the left starts popping out. I just can’t win it seems like some days. But starting yesterday and again today, I’m starting to see things differently. Not sure what sparked it, though….maybe the full moon? Next month I will be rescanned and see what the next steps are. As much as I want this bs done, I’m also realizing that we’ve paid a shit ton of money for this process and I have physical evidence that it IS working. If I quit now, I feel like I’m throwing money away and I am not 100% satisfied with the process. I still keep thinking I want to be done with trays before Christmas. I don’t even know why really. That deadline keeps coming in to my head. Ten refinement trays would get me through November which would put me at 28 trays total. As I’m saying this, I’m realizing 28 adds to 10. There ya go. Before I ever even started the process I blogged about 10. I just looked at the time….1045….adds to 10. Thanks, Dad. 10 also represents the end of a cycle. I’m totally loving this right now.

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I’m doing this process for my physical health-being proactive for my oral health. But my mental health is just as important, if not more so now. I’m so over the flip flopping of emotions. One day I’m feeling good and not gonna give up. Later that day, I feel absolutely demoralized and physically miserable as well. I couldn’t even enjoy a few hours with friends at a retirement party yesterday. Why? It hurts to talk and feels awkward bc of the wax mouth but the wax started falling out in places even! I didn’t even talk my usual amount and I was exhausted on the way home and sat in silence bc I was so uncomfortable. What do I mean by uncomfortable? Well, while the wax helps the sharp edges of the tray, it also causes pressure on the tray. I feel like I have to constantly bite down bc the wax is pushing the trays up and out of place. I have tiny little white round sores on various parts of my mouth from the pressure of the trays and the attachments. The bony structures start to get sore from the wax which is now pushing against them. My tongue feels tingly and burning from talking and rubbing against the part of the trays where I don’t have wax. No, I can’t fill my entire mouth up with wax. The attachment in the front bottom is pushing into my lip and causing soreness. The outside of the bottom tray feels like it is not seated properly and irritating my gums. Oh and my jaw is sore when I try to open it normally now bc of not being able to relax my jaw now. It’s been almost four months. When does it get better? When does it get easier? When does my mouth get used to this process? Yeah, that’s the biggest problem, it doesn’t. I never know from one tray to the next what to expect. I take the trays out and I have instant relief which makes me want to keep them out for longer periods of time but if I leave them out for more than 30 minutes, that becomes uncomfortable. As Hubs said last night, “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.” I truly do not like who I am since May 8. I’m irritable, angry, sad, enraged, defeated, demoralized, weakened,  exhausted, annoyed, hurting 90% of the time. I hardly talk and I hardly smile. I just go through the motions. That’s not me, I don’t like who Invisalign has made me become. 

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Met a friend for lunch and had my trays out for almost two hours. Very enjoyable. I’m like two different people when my trays are in vs when they are out. I shouldn’t have them out more than two hours all day long but you know what? Screw it! I don’t do it often and I needed this freedom feeling. 

I always feel better when I work out too. It takes me a while to actually get motivated but once I do it is so worth it. Turned on some reggae music and off I went. If I could only bottle these moments!

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                                             Obligatory Tray 14 pic I forgot about until now 

Yes, I see progress. The main tooth I keep watching is not anywhere near as lopsided as it was when I started. But I still see a lot that has to happen unfortunately. The question is will I be happy with results by the end of Tray 18? Will I be stupid and continue on? Will my mental health say F this, I’m important too. On most days, it’s that last statement. 

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Invisalign was approved by the FDA in 1998. 26 years ago. It’s changed so many lives and made a huge impact, I know. But why on Earth can they not find a way to make these damn plastic trays less horrible? Why hasn’t someone come up with a brilliant way to deal with the sharp edges that dig into your gums and mouth? There are so many other tools and gadgets and tricks! Filing doesn’t help me at all. Wax is the only thing and it has its own issues. With the amount of money we have to pay for this treatment, you’d also think there would be a starter kit of all the things you need-just the basics. But no, what do we get? Three individual packets of cleaning crystals and a case. Whoopie! How about adding in a Chewy, a Pul tool, wax, a travel toothbrush and floss. I mean is that hard to include these things after all the money that’s being formed out to be tortured? I’ve learned more on Reddit than I have from my dentist, Invisalign or supposed friends who have been through this “worth it” process.

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After looking at side by side pics of Day 1 and today, I was encouraged and motivated. But then I physically feel pain constantly in my mouth and I’m back on the roller coaster of emotions. It sucks. My Vani encourages me and tells me how much progress and how great I’m doing, but she also is aware that it does not take away the daily misery I feel.  Then this pops up. 

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I hate the roller coaster ride that is Invisalign. I’ve always hated real rollercoasters too. I feel like shit, i take them out, I feel great. I put them in, I feel like shit. I feel good when the trays are out and dread putting them back in because I know misery is coming and yep, it happens instantly. It’s not the pain or throbbing that comes on a Friday, which I expect. It’s these damn hard plastic edges that I can’t do anything about. I can’t rest my tongue at all because it goes right to the places that don’t have wax and starts burning and being irritated. This problem area is the top tray center. No matter how much I file or in what direction, it feels like razor blades. I can’t put wax there bc that pressurizes the tray and then pain does happen. So I can’t talk and even if I don’t talk, my tongue still has to rest somewhere so I’m in a constant state of tensing up. That then causes stress on my jaw and is overall exhausting. The bottom tray, same place, same problem. I can put wax there and I do but it doesn’t take long for it to harden and cause its own point. I try to smooth it out and it causes other waxed places to pop out. It truly is a neverending battle. So to be told this process is a lifestyle change, yeah, that’s the simple part. I can handle taking the trays out before I eat or drink. I can handle having to brush and floss each time before putting the trays back in. Not a problem at all. It’s the continuous irritation to my mouth, lips, gums and tongue that I did not sign up for and that no one told me about. I’m not even in pain and I’m grateful but if it weren’t for the sharp edges (and that’s ALL the edges), I really wouldn’t have any complaints at all, except Fridays. THAT I expected and could accept. It just pisses me off that hard plastic is what’s destroying my mental health.

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Tray 14 Day 6

I woke up today feeling pretty good. Spent the morning hours on the deck with my dogs basking in the gorgeous 70 degree weather on a late August day in the south….unheard of. I was singing, breathing, being. I tried not to fill my mouth with wax. Hubs is out of town so there’s absolutely no need for me to talk if I don’t want to. The day was good. Then it changed. I took my mom to the grocery store and was gone for an hour. I came home with a headache, mouth pain, needed more wax and just collapsed defeated on the sofa and feel like I am a mopey waste of a person right now. Talking screwed me. I hate the suck that is Invisalign. I don’t want to embrace it any longer. I would love to go to a local restaurant, sit at the bar, have a beer and lunch, feel normal for an hour. But food isn’t appealing, traffic is crap and I don’t want to spend money especially since I couldn’t work this week. I need someone to pull me out of my funk and no one even knows me well enough to know I am in a funk. It’ll be worth it in the end, they say. Yeah, they who don’t know a single damn thing about me or how it is quickly diminishing my well being.

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I just changed into Tray 15 and am so grateful to not be tortured like last week when putting in Tray 14. My mouth is still full of wax but I’m grateful wax helps. My ocean sound machine is on, meditation music is playing and lavender eye pillow is about to go on. Praying when I wake it doesn’t feel like my teeth are being yanked out through my toes,

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Day 1 Tray 15 

Hubs’ bday eve 

I woke up feeling like I had been knocked out of a boxing match with a massive blow to the upper row of the left side of my mouth. Alvin graced me with going back to bed after I fed him at 7am and we stayed asleep til 9 which is unheard of. My body needed it. The only time I feel good is when I am asleep. When I took the trays out for the first time, the bottom came out easy peasy. The top did not want to come out at all and I felt like I was yanking a few teeth out with the plastic. Tears and horrible pain for about 7 minutes. Deep breath, Val, it’s Friday. You got this. So off to make a smoothie I went-avocado, spinach, blueberries, strawberries, banana, almond butter, agave, cinnamon, cardamom and almond milk. Feels so good. May be all I eat today. I need to lose 4lbs anyway. Today may be the day.

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Second half of Day 1 of Tray 15 sucks. I’ve got more wax in my mouth today than I have this entire process. I swear I feel like my mouth is swollen. I left my trays in from 9 to 3 today because I wasn’t hungry until then and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I swear teeth were gonna be pulled out when I took the top tray out. The excruciating pain lasted for less than 5 minutes but it was awful. I think I need to try to file some of this top tray next time I take them out. It’s just really awful. I know it’s Friday and Fridays suck but man, this one really really does. I pray tomorrow is better. 

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Four days in to Tray 15 and it is pure shit. I’ve filed, think it helps and then an hour later realize it doesn’t. I powered through for Hubs’ birthday and left them out longer than I should have but I was so damn depressed yesterday. Plus it’s the hard plastic edges that’s the problem. I’m so over this crap. There has to be a way around this, right? Pretty dentist says wax is my only friend. Yeah, it is until my mouth is so full I can’t talk. I’m waking up and the left side of my jaw aches because I’m so tense all the time. I’m just done.

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It’s Day 5 of Tray 15 and it still sucks. Discomfort all day and night….constant….its exhausting physically and mentally. I don’t e en have the energy to say any more than that now. I feel like a broken record and I just can’t……

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For the first time in almost four months, I felt seen and heard and understood. I walked into my massage therapist office and upon seeing the face I made when she asked if I was ok, she hugged me and asked if I wanted to snuggle. Yes, please. Haha. For an hour I didn’t feel anything in regard to my mouth. She said, “What have they done to you?” My entire body was tight and tense, even in my arms which she’s never had to work on. The left side was worse as I expected because the left side of my mouth is worse when it comes to discomfort. Octopus hugs helped. I love octopus hugs. 

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                                                                      Day 1 Tray 16 

The whole bottom row of teeth felt like they were gonna be yanked out when I took the tray out this morning. What fun…..I’m over embracing the suck that is Invisalign. Completely over it. As my friend Sarah would say, “I was never under it it”. Why did I do this? Seriously, why?

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For fear of sounding like a broken record (which is a bone of contention in other areas of my life right now), haven’t posted much lately. Same old same old except I got hopeful a few days ago when I tried a set of mini needle files. It helped to the point where I didn’t have wax in for an hour but then it went right back to the way it was. False hope which was devastating. Five days in to Tray 16 and still a shit show. Yesterday I did a lot of talking, was angry, frustrated, hurt and stressed by another human and my mouth got the brunt of it. I literally was pulling my bottom lip away from my teeth because the front of the tray was cutting my lip now. How much more can I take?

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Well, it’s been going through my mind for weeks and it’s time to put it in writing since I have my “next steps” appointment in 12 days. 

Reasons to stop the Invisalign process after 18 weeks and go to retainers:

1. 100% Dependent upon wax

2. Can’t talk normally because of the wax

3. Can’t smile without discomfort

4. Can’t kiss my husband without discomfort

5. Can’t bite like a normal human-even after four months. Have to cut everything up in bite size pieces

6. Filing does not help. Emery board, nail file, mini needle set

7. Only relief is when trays are out to eat and that isn’t pure relief. Attachments rub mouth.

8. Sores are popping up all over mouth

9. Too much wax puts pressure on trays which causes undue pain

10. Jaw pain from constant tension. Can’t relax mouth

11. Bones on each side of eyes are protruding.

12. Cheekbones are protruding

13. Cuts tongue without wax

14. Massage therapist “what have they done to you”- holding tension in places not usual

15. Can’t sleep on side for long 

16. Personality has changed drastically. I don’t enjoy what I usually do. Irritable, depressed, unhappy

17. I did this for proactive reasons but feel miserable physically and mentally. Confidence is destroyed. Can’t find joy. Complain all the time. Never smile 

18. It is working but at the expense of ruining my mental health and causing physical pain I never had previously. I feel worse because of Invisalign.

19. Roof of mouth burning feeling

20. Can’t open mouth as wide as I used to because of pain

21. Sensory overload is real

22. Weather/barometric pressure changes affect my mouth

23. Had to cut hours down I can work because talking too long hurts

I expect Friday and Saturday pain. I expect the annoyance of having to brush, floss, clean trays every time I eat. I expect to take supplies with me everywhere I go. If that was all I had to accept, this would be easy. I hate who I am.

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Had a hair appointment today. I’ve been going to her for eight years and we are good friends. She told me today she sees the facial changes and I also look like I’m in pain. I can’t do this anymore. 

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Went to Fishheads and then stopped by Dune St to see Boney. Three beers, fun with friends, trays out for over three hours. I felt normal. Got home and couldn’t enjoy dinner because it was too chewy and I was demoralized. The roller coaster is not fun. 

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Day 1 Tray 17

When I changed trays last night I noticed the words “passive aligner” which is on the packages for Trays 15-18.  Google tells me these trays are not moving teeth but are locking them in position. Would have been nice to have been told that info. So now there is no way in hell I am doing refinement tests that will move teeth again after a month of locking. Talk about pain! Oh, pretty dentist, we have A LOT to talk about….

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Tray 17 Day 2

Quality of Life. That’s what we’re talking about right now. Invisalign has affected every aspect of my life. Relationships, work, joy, physical and mental health. All of it had not been for the better good. I don’t have regrets in my life. I try my best to not have them. I regret not going away to college-with a football team. But that’s about it. I pride myself on that. I regret starting this process. Worst part is I can’t just stop either. Because if I stop completely then I throw 5k down the drain and my teeth will revert back to where they were. What I can do though is stand my ground and say no refinements. I want to go straight into retainers. That in itself will still suck because it is the same type of trays minus the attachments and minus changing them each week. Anywhere from 3-6 months I’ll have to wear them. Then I can go to bedtime only and that will be for the rest of my life. But that I can handle. 

This has been such a learning process and at my own expense. I have gone above and beyond. I still feel like I’ve been failed…by friends and by the pretty dentist. I asked a lot of questions but there were still things he didn’t tell me ahead of time that I feel was important information. …..especially for a lifetime commitment. 

He thinks we’re friends because I am talkative and outspoken and funny. That’s all good and fine but when I am in your chair as a patient the fun and games are over. This is MY life I’m living, not yours. I hate who I am now. I hate how I feel physically and emotionally. I am going g through the motions and miserable. That is not how I live. That is not who I am. No one gets it. Hubs does to an extent because he lives with me. My hair dresser and masseuse friends do because they see the changes in my body and personality. My two best friends can get it simply because they know me better than anyone. But no one is experiencing this but me. No one is living this but me. I felt good, happy, confident full of life before I started this process. I am the exact opposite of those things now. 

I have gained a lot of perspective through these last four months. People with chronic pain and depression don’t have a choice. I have a choice and I don’t have to do this. I am so sorry they have no choice but I don’t have to endure this misery. I liken it to chemo. Chemo is poison that will often stop cancer but it also destroys otherwise perfect organs and tissue as well. Invisalign is similar in that yes, it works and I can see my teeth moving, but at a huge expense…..my sanity and quality of life. 

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Day 1 Tray 18 of 18 (9/13/24)

Is it perfect? No

Am I pleased? Yes

Am I ready to say F you, Invisalign? Absolutely.

This is the last tray that I have been given for this process. I have decided there will be no refinements. I hate that I will even have to wear retainers for 22 hours and wish I could go straight to bedtime wear. But at least I won’t have to have the pain and frustration of new trays every week soon. Who knows how long it will take to get the retainers even. I have so many questions and no medical person is touching my mouth until I get my questions answered at next week’s appointment. I have had it with this torture. 

The last four days of this week I had to travel and was subjected to emotional and physical stress….a bad combo for Invisalign. Every bit of anguish was felt in my mouth with the exception of three hours when I had them out and spent it outdoors at a farm brewery with my bestie. I even drove back an hour without any wax. It probably worked because the alcohol numbed my gums but I took it as a plus for the little bit it lasted.  I wore no wax driving for an hour home yesterday because I wasn’t talking. But then after being away from Hubs for four days we had lots to talk about and after a while I had to wax up. My tongue was actually raw on the underside from rubbing on the trays and I had a sore on the inside of my lip. I was so defeated.

Last night I changed into the last tray at bedtime and had to fill my entire mouth with wax to be able to sleep along with two Tylenol and a Benadryl. I woke to such tightness and could not wait to get these trays out. Now to add to the misery I have a cold sore developing on the left side of my lip…exacerbated by stress. I tried to go without wax because it is putting pressure on the trays and Day 1 always has its own soreness. I filed and filed and filed and filed more. Just when I thought it was gonna work, nope. Had to put wax in. I am so tired of being miserable. I have tried so hard every freaking day since May 8 and it’s not gotten any better. It’s all because of the hard plastic. My poor lips are so dry and I’m caking Vaseline on them hourly. My birthday is in two days and I don’t even care. I’m the one who celebrates all month. I don’t even want to celebrate at all and that really upsets me. I just want to be at peace and pain free. That’s all I want.

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September 15, 2024-my 51st birthday

I celebrate all month. 

No one loves birthdays more than me.

I haven’t felt like celebrating at all….the first time in 51 years.

Thanks, Invisalign.

Pain and depression is life altering.

And, I think I’m getting a cold….I hope that’s all it is…..

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Woke up this morning in the early hours with a stuffy runny nose and a throat that felt like knives every time I swallowed. A tropical storm is approaching from the south and the post nasal drip accompanied by the pressure in my mouth is about to set me off the edge.

Jelly Roll’s new song fits me right now. I long for the day that it does not.

I am not okay
I'm barely getting by
I'm losing track of days
And losing sleep at night
I am not okay
I'm hanging on the rails
So if I say I'm fine
Just know I learned to hide it well

I know, I can't be the only one
Who's holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it's all said and done
I'm not okay
But it's all gonna be alright
It's not okay
But we're all gonna be alright

I woke up today
I almost stayed in bed
Had the devil on my back
And voices in my head
Some days, it ain't all bad
Some days, it all gets worse
Some days, I swear I'm better off
Layin' in that dirt

I know, I can't be the only one
Who's holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it's all said and done
I'm not okay
But it's all gonna be alright
It's not okay
But we're all gonna be alright

I know one day
We'll see the other side
The pain'll wash away
In a holy water tide
And we all gonna be alright

I know, I can't be the only one
Who's holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it's all said and done
I'm not okay
But it's all gonna be alright
It's not okay
But we're all gonna be alright
I'm not okay
But it's all gonna be alright

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Having a cold while suffering from the suck that is Invisalign is not recommended. Grateful it is not the flu or Covid bs but still doesn’t take away my misery. Tomorrow is the day I tell the pretty dentist, “I am the captain now!” and this is where the shit show comes to an end.

I showed Hubs the original photo and the now photo and we are both pleased with the progress. Could we tweak a little more? Sure. Is it worth my mental state? Nope.

5/8

9/17

It won’t end tomorrow but it will be the beginning of the end and I’ll start taking my power back.

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