It’s my cup

The last four months have given me a newfound understanding and grace for those individuals who daily live with chronic pain, anxiety and depression. It is a quiet hell of solitude that is often carried all on our own weakened shoulders.  It is a place that is difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible, to escape. Each day presents more concerns built on top of what is already looming over. Feelings of despair, sadness, worthlessness and asking questions like “why is this happening” and “is it ever going to stop”. Not finding joy in everyday life, feeling alone, constantly fatigued, easily irritated and annoyed until the point comes where you just don’t have the energy to even care about much of anything anymore because it’s all just too much.

My physical body is worn, exhausted and expressing pain. My heart, although it still holds a voluminous amount of love, is melancholy and aching. My brain is tired and struggling. My soul keeps trying to remind me this is all happening FOR me. 

I find hope being outdoors, in nature. It’s the only place I can truly breathe, literally and figuratively. I step outside and feel as if someone’s fuel is filling me. Grandmother Sun is a true fuel source. Movement helps tremendously-taking a walk, exercising- although the motivation is often a factor. Animals bring me contentment because of their unconditional love and comforting playful nature. 

Chronic pain is no joke and I am so empathetic to those who live with this nightmare. Some, many actually, don’t have a choice but gratefully I do and earlier this week, I mustered up what little strength I had left and unapologetically spoke my truth, made the right decision FOR me (knowing others may not agree) and took my power back. It will still be months, maybe longer, before the physical pain subsides but I can finally see the dim light at the end of what is a very dark tunnel. My mental health has steadily been dissipating and was on the way to hitting the point of no return but I had just one drop in my almost empty cup and knew I had to pour it for myself. 

“I acknowledge and accept that I am the creator of my world. I now choose to enjoy my life.”