Time to smudge!

Smudging. Saging. Spiritual cleansing. Take your pick. Call it whatever you like. I prefer smudging for some reason.  Smudging is an ancient American Indian ritual used to cleanse or bless a home.  Energy has a way of building up in our homes just like dust and it can get really thick and stagnant over time.

I make smudging an annual ritual at the beginning of the year (at least before mid January) and then quarterly thereafter. That is the bare minimum that I smudge. If I feel stressed or a thick, tense heaviness, I'll smudge. If there's been a series of arguments, sickness or a death in the home, I'll smudge. If I feel spirits around that are not welcome, I'll smudge. If I just need to clear the air and jumpstart the energy in my house, I'll smudge. Or as Hubs likes to say, if I want to make the house smell like I have been smoking weed, then I'll smudge.

When  Jason and I moved into our OBX house in 2016, one of the first things I did was smudge it. Who knows what negative energy was in this house prior to us moving in? Best to just give it a good spiritual cleanse just to make sure and start off on the right foot. It surely wouldn't do any harm. I have enough spirits around me - I don't need to encourage ones that may not be pleasant. I also would smudge whenever I rented a vacation home for the summer. Talk about ton of energy - from all those renters week after week? Phew. (I have a story to share about an oceanfront rental I stayed in one October in the OBX that had a beautiful spirit that Prowler and I connected with but I'll save that for a different post.)

Ok, so how exactly do you smudge? It's pretty simple and you can find all you need pretty easily. Whole Foods, Wegmans, Mom's Organic Market. Even Amazon. There are varying things you can
use and you can search online yourself if you'd like but I prefer to use sage, nag champa and a simple white candle.

The most important thing to remember is not to worry about how you look when performing this ritual or worry if you are doing it "right". The key is your intent. Your intentions are to rid your home of negative, stagnant, harmful energy and to invite loving, positive, protective energies in to your home.

Ok, ya ready? Here we go - step by step.

1. I tend to smudge in the early morning, just as the sun is coming up or definitely while it is daylight. But, again, it's personal preference. Smudging is a great way to start off a day for me. Or, as I did today, a great way to end the day as the sun is going down.
2. Turn soothing or meditative music on. I like to have the "Soundscapes" Music Choice channel on the tv piping through the house - it's pretty easy. Or be in silence. You want to be able to focus on the task at hand and not be interrupted. 
3. Take the dried bundle of sage and light the tip with a match or lighter. Now you don't want it flaming so that your smoke detector gets set off (but be prepared because mine did once), but get it going pretty well and then gently blow it out letting it smoke through the air. 
4. Make sure you have a safe plate/bowl/cup to catch the ashes in and walk around your entire home allowing the smoke to circulate and cleanse the space.
5. Take your time because you want the smoke to cleanse each nook of each room. Open closet doors, don't forget bathrooms, crack the attic or cellar as well. Cleanse the stairwells, foyers and hallways.
6. While walking, be firm, direct, unemotional and speak out loud.  Here's something that I started with but tend to tweak it each time I smudge depending on how I feel and my specific intention. "May this sacred sage blend into every corner of this room and cleanse all negative and stagnant energies.  All negative and stagnant energies MUST leave NOW and NOT return." Do this until you FEEL the energy is clear in the room. Once you feel that is accomplished, then say, "In the name of God (or whomever you believe in) this room is now cleansed." Then move to the next room and do the same. Remember you are not running a race. Go at your own pace and feel the energy. Depending on the size of your home, set aside 30-60 minutes for this entire ritual.
7. I also like to spend extra time around entry ways from the outside in to my home and crack those as well. When friends, family, coworkers, handymen, anyone really, comes into your home, they bring their energy with them. My home is my sacred space so I need to make sure it's surrounded by the right energy.
8. After you have cleansed each room/area, blow out the sage and safely place it somewhere. By the way, if it stops burning/smoking while you're walking around, light it back up again. Don't get discouraged, it happens.
9. Light the Nag Champa incense stick and walk around every area of your home again inviting positive energies into your home. Again, this is all about intent.  Say something such as, "I now invite all positive, healing and protective energies into this room. This includes all sprit guides, spirit people and celestial beings. All positive, protective and healing energies are welcome."  Make sure that you have a receptacle to catch the incense ashes as well because if they hit your skin they do tend to sting - don't ask me how I know. 
10. Then "set" the ritual by lighting a white candle and KNOWING the home is now clear. I use this time as a time of meditating, praying and speaking out loud what I am thankful for. I use this as "me and God" time and end it with saying the Lord's Prayer and often even singing a song of praise or hope. This is truly all depending on what I feel and what may move me. at the time.  When you are done, blow the candle out and never leave it unattended. Also, don't forget to shut and lock all of your windows and doors.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to set the intention and feel the negative energy leave. Know that the room is clear and then joyfully invite the positive in! Hopefully, this helps ya'll with understanding how to smudge. If you have questions, comment below or send me a message. I'll be happy to help! Smudging is something I truly enjoy doing and the way I feel afterwards brings such relief and contentment to myself and our home.

My journey with spirit

It's 2019 and what better way to start off the new year than with this type of post?! I know this year I am going to be drawn to helping more people and, in turn, honing my abilities even more and leaning on my intuition greatly. Perhaps, this post will answer a lot of questions that most of you may be scared to ask (yet curious to know) about my journey with spirit.

In the summer of 2010, my boss (at the time) and his best friend went to a spirit medium and I thought they were crazy. He told me everything that happened in their session and how both of his long deceased parents came through with messages for him - relevant messages. I was skeptical but there were things that just couldn't be disregarded or explained. Maybe there was something to this, I thought. So for my birthday that year, I treated myself to a one-hour session with her. What would it hurt? The fact that I could possibly have a chance at hearing from a departed loved one was totally worth the chance and the money spent.

That one medium session changed everything for me that September day. So much so that I treated myself to a session with her every birthday (and a few other times during the year) until 2016 when I moved from Virginia to North Carolina. While each session was incredibly emotional, I still sat in awe every single time of her abilities and of her willingness to share this gift. Each time, was different and I never knew who would show up but I was never disappointed. It may not have been instant but it never took long to determine who was coming through and the support, love and advice "my people" provided was extraordinary.

During this six-year timeframe, I also took her psychic development class and her animal communication class. She thought I would be a natural and while I didn't think there was any way that I could do such a thing, I spent three Saturdays in her office with about six to 10 other people, learning how to connect to the energy of animals and passed humans as well as the art of meditation, the chakra system and overall awareness. As time went on, I gravitated more toward animal communication because I have an undeniable love for animals and that type of energy work was with "living" creatures. I wasn't so sure I wanted to open up the realm of connecting with the "other side" just yet.... or ever.

For about three years now, I have successfully been communicating with animals through a simple photograph. The ability to do such a thing shocked me at first and, honestly, still amazes me with each session I hold. At first, it was learning how to communicate with my best friend, my german shepherd, Prowler. The first time I attempted and it worked really blew me away and after that it became almost a daily thing. Prowler and I had a connection like no other and the energy still remains between us even though he is no longer in physical form. (Here's a link o a previous blog post that explains a little more: https://dennysshotgunriders.blogspot.com/2016/02/animal-communication.html)

While I kept my focus on animals, as time went on, my intuitive abilities started to advance whether I wanted them to or not. I started "feeling" when people were leaving their earthly bodies. At first, I truly thought there was something physically wrong with me and I had a full cardiac workup done due to my family history of heart disease. A very specific type of heart fluttering is how it started and how it continues to this day. I may not always know whose energy is pulsing through me at the exact time but it is typically made perfectly clear within a day or two. Often this feeling occurs at the time of their passing.

I also started sensing things through smell and sound and often times even seeing or knowing that "someone" was present. Whether it was cigarette smoke, a candle burning, the jingle of a dog tag, the shutting of a door, a shadowy blurb floating past or the flickering of lights, I knew "someone" was around. Lucky for me, I could often tune into Prowler and he would shed some insight on those things. In case you didn't know, animals and young kids are very aware - so don't discount when your daughter says she's talking to grandma when grandma passed a few years ago or your dog is staring at an empty chair and tilting his head as if someone is talking to him because that is most likely happening.

Bottom line is, it's all about energy. We are all made of up energy. When we die, we leave our earthly bodies but our souls survive and we just take on a different form of energy. It's pretty fascinating, actually.  We all have this ability - it's just being aware

really. Spirit knows they have an open channel through me and it's easier for them to connect through someone like me for that reason. It takes an equal amount of energy out of me as it does them to communicate.

There are a handful of my spirit people (those friends or family who have passed) who make it very well known that they are with me and then there are others that I'm not so sure who they are. But it's never a frightening thing. For those I know, it is quite comforting and there are certain symbols and signs that have developed so that I know without a doubt who it is (the dragonfly, the sunlight, the moon, a cooper's hawk, a dove) There was one incident that continued for weeks at my old house in Virginia that was really annoying and very disruptive to my and Prowler's daily life. I'm not going to go into it because I have "let it go" and will not welcome that spirit back into my energy field. But that is when I truly learned the art of smudging and made it an annual and then quarterly routine in my life. Smuding truly is a necessary ritual to rid your space of negative, harmful and stale energies. I'll be sure to blog specifically about that soon.

When I moved to North Carolina in September 2016, I was in desperate need of finding a medium and I was at a loss. I had gotten so comfortable with my Virginia medium and had built up a trust with her. Having to start over with someone else would be a challenge especially since I didn't know anyone. Later that year, I found Natalie (https://wisdomwithin.co/) at my hair salon who was performing reiki (highly recommend it by the way) and intuitive work and I had a session. I loved every bit of it and was so relieved to have found an "energy healer" in the Outer Banks. Of course, it wasn't long after that, she moved back to New Hampshire and I was so disappointed. But in the beginning of December 2017, when I was completely broken after losing Prowler and my dad almost a year apart to the day, I turned to Natalie. She recommended one of her students who was new to this field but who would definitely be able to help. That's when things really started to open up for me. Meeting Ilona of Spiritual Giant (https://spiritualgiant.co/) was exactly the push from spirit that I needed.

In June of 2018, my journey truly began and I am really thriving. This journey that I am on is one of enlightenment, self-care, healing of core wounds, recognizing and handling triggers, letting go of that which doesn't serve me, the art of forgiveness, facing my fears and above all, always choosing love.  Not only am I learning techniques and practices to better myself and my temporary life here on this earth, but my spiritual abilities have been heightened and I am in the process of a beautiful transformation.

There is no better feeling than to be able to play a small part in helping others find their truth, to aid them in letting go of something that has held them back for decades, to connect them with their precious dog as he is about to take his last breath or to even give them a message from a loved one who has passed. For when I help them, I truly am helping myself. The trust they must have in me to believe me and to take on such a feat is immeasurable. As an empath, it's not always easy to handle all of my own emotions, much less those that I feel from others, but I am blessed to have these abilities and grateful to those who trust me enough to share their deepest feelings and fears.

A lot of you, if you haven't given up reading by now, are probably thinking, well, it's finally happened. We've lost her. For good this time. First, she starts eating plants. As if that wasn't cuckoo enough, now she's talking to dead people and thinks animals can talk. She talks about the phase of the moon a lot and now she's reading tarot cards so maybe she's even a witch. But she meditates and talks about grounding herself too so maybe she's got some mental issues. If that's what you think, then, yeah, you probably should have stopped reading by now. But if it's not what you are thinking, then you're going to enjoy my blog (and my Facebook posts) this calendar year.  I have so much to share with you and I know that there are plenty of you out there who I am going to reach and help send, in some way, on your own spiritual journey!

A gift to yourself

2018 is almost over.  Twelve more days to reflect, release and renew.  What better way to end a year than with a full moon on Saturday, December 22! Because of the timing with the winter solstice being a day prior, this full moon's POSITIVE impact is increased!! This full moon represents a double closure AND a new beginning!! What a perfect time to reflect on our lives and relationships with the utmost clarity thanks to the sun and moon being opposite each other in the full phase!

Everyone thinks that a full moon is ominous and the bearer of all things bad and evil. That couldn't be farther from the truth! It is a time of opportunity and this last full moon of 2018 is perfect to see all the ways that our actions have led to positive outcomes! It's time to enjoy all that is good and all that we have achieved. In the same respect, as with every full moon, it is also time to sort things out and let things go! People, feelings, actions, fears! We can't really embrace a new year until we let go of the past! This last full moon of the year is going to emotionally charge us and motivate us to confidently get rid of that which doesn't serve us!!

I've never been much of a resolutions girl, but almost 10 years ago, I started my own end-of-year ritual.  Instead of making a list of what I would change or do in the upcoming year, I made a list of who I would leave behind in the current year. By purposely and consciously "leaving" someone in the previous year and not taking them with me as the clock strikes 12, I found a sense of freedom that was unrivaled. https://winefoodie.blogspot.com/2014/12/leaving-them-behind.html

This year, I took things a step further.

Starting with June's full moon, I have completed a process of letting go with EACH full moon. For seeming so simple, it has an incredibly powerful, yet different, outcome each time.  I've even helped a few others in doing the same and the release they experienced was second to none. You should try it.  I highly recommend it for everyone! One thing that I would add to this ritual is to make sure that you end it with love and forgiveness. Love and forgiveness to the person you are releasing for what they did, how they made you feel and also love and forgiveness to your self for allowing that person to continue to have this hold on you and for any reasons you may have even added to the "victimhood".

If you want to go a step further, which I had to do in some instances because the hurt was so deep seeded, write letters. I wrote individual letters to those people who I have held on to and who have caused negative or harmful emotions that I have carried with me for decades; some since childhood. I find it is often easier to write than to speak at times especially when I don't want to be interrupted. Some letters I actually sent to the individual; some I did not. I felt the need for some to realize what their actions caused and in hopes that they wouldn't allow it to happen to anyone else; especially if they have daughters.  

What's important though is to realize that you are not doing this for them - you are doing this solely for YOU. They may not like what they read but honestly, it doesn't matter.  I could feel in my gut the people who needed to read these letters I wrote. You will also. Some felt remorse, some went into defense mode and some didn't respond but none of it mattered.

What mattered is I finally felt free to be me because I finally LET IT GO!

As these last two weeks of 2018 are upon us and you're caught up in the holiday festivities, stop  pondering over potential New Year's resolutions - the ones that you'll inevitably break before January is over - and take some time to think about what you want to release so that you can instantly feel better physically and emotionally and carry THAT in to 2019. Take time to write the list (or letters) of what you want to get rid of and burn it under the full moon with me on Saturday night. 

Give yourself that gift. 

You deserve it! 

November blues of the heart

It's November. My mom and I have dreaded November since November 27, 1984.
Carlton H. Gorham. Her father. My grandfather. Lovebug. He died that day in Jefferson Memorial Hospital in Alexandria, VA and it changed both of us forever. He was only 64 and the doctor said his heart exploded.

I was at school in the 6th grade when it came over the loud speaker that I had an early dismissal and needed to come to the office. I was confused. As I left my classroom, I saw Sheila, my mom's best friend, and immediately thought something had happened to my mom but I was wrong. It was Lovebug and Mom and Dad were already at the hospital. My second mom had come to get me.  That was 15 days prior. He would never make it out of the Cardiac Care Unit.

I was only 11 and everyone thought I was too young to understand. I can still remember how mad that made me. I never got to say goodbye to the one man I adored my entire life. I remember walking past his room and he waved to me from his bed but they wouldn't let me in to see him. I knew how sick he was and all I wanted was to be with him but I was never afforded that chance. The day he died, I vowed to him, myself and my grandmother that I would spend the rest of her life making sure she was taken care of.  From a young age, they taught me the meaning of unconditional love. Until the day that my sweet ladybug left her earthly body, 29 years later, to join the love of her life, I made sure she wanted for nothing. There's nothing I wouldn't have done for her and she for me. It's the least I could do for him.

I didn't think November could ever get any worse. But, 19 years and three days later, it did. 

Sheila Pugh was my mom's best friend and my second mom. Sheila was always there. She drove me to elementary school every day in that green monster car.  I don't remember a day of living in Dale City without Sheila in it.  Her creativity and love of nature and animals rivals none - still to this day. She was supposed to plan my wedding. We had talked about it since I was a little girl. Because of being hospitalized with lung cancer, she couldn't even attend my wedding and I should have taken that as the sign of all signs and called it off. No, seriously, I should have, even if it was only a month prior. I remember sitting with her in the hospital telling her all about the wedding and giving her a framed picture.  I was still so naive but in time Sheila would tell me she knew all along he wasn't the one.

I remember watching the Redskins game that Sunday night when I got the call from her son. It was November 30, 2003 when Sheila left her frail, cancer-ravaged, earthly body for her heavenly wings. How could this be? How could she be gone at only 55 years old? Sheila was always a powerhouse of strength and fire in a tiny little body.  You never had to wonder what she was thinking or where she stood with you. What you see is what you get. I admired her more than any female I had ever met and even to this day, I still call on her for strength. My graceful, determined dragonfly, so much of how I look at life is because of you.

I hate November. I hate every single bit of it, especially towards the end of the month. It's like the whole first part of the month just looms over me waiting to collapse come the last week. It hits like a ton of bricks all over again. Can we just skip November? Can we just go from October to December? Better yet, let's skip Christmas too because it's not the same. But it never happens that way. The annual reminders always attack me as if I don't have enough daily ones leading up to that time.

Then it got worse. Yep. Wait. I bet you're wondering on how on earth it could get worse? Well, let me set the stage for you. 

On Labor Day 2016, my pride and joy, my best friend, my german shepherd, Prowler, and I made one of our all-time dreams come true. We moved to the Outer Banks of North Carolina with the love of my life and the dad of his dreams.  My parents had come down for Thanksgiving - our first Thanksgiving in our new home. On Saturday, November 26, we were waiting for the much anticipated Ohio State vs Michigan football game to begin.  I took Prowler out for a potty break and as we got to the middle landing of our home, his legs buckled under him, his eyes glazed over and he collapsed. Not wanting to relive that nightmare again (because I've done it enough the last two years), the next day, November 27, 2016, my heart on four feet, with his head on my arm, took his last breath. Hemangiosarcoma. Absolutely no warning and nothing I could do to save him. That unconditional love that my grandparents gave me was now being imparted to my sweet boy so that he wouldn't suffer and experience immeasurable pain. My heart went with him that afternoon.  As if November 27 wasn't already a nightmare enough, it just worsened exponentially.

The one stable force that was always with me and Mom during these unbearable losses was my dad. Even though he was just as devastated as we were with each one, he was strong and persevered. Even though Carlton was more of a father to him than his own. Even though Sheila was the sister he never had. Even though Prowler was the dog he always wanted as a child and was never allowed to have. Dad always had those broad shoulders and always took care of his girls.

Flash forward to 7:38 a.m. on Friday, November 24, 2017. After 21 years of kicking prostate cancer's ass, after the last two years of battling chemo and suffering life-altering side effects, after six nightmare days of in-home hospice, and after making sure he saw his beloved Redskins win a division home game on Thanksgiving day, Denny Moore, my dad, my hero, the first man I ever loved, peacefully took his last breath as I read Psalm 121 to him.

My grandfather, my second mom, my best friend and my dad all died within a seven-day span of each other over 33 years. With the passing of each one, the sense of loss, pure heartbreak and emptiness became deeper. 

November was never the same.

Thanksgiving was never the same. 

Life was never the same. 

And it never will be again. 

A rant that is overdue

Oh, you don't eat meat.

You just eat rabbit food.
How can you eat that stuff? I could never eat like that.

They say: Oh, you don't eat meat....

Usually,  I just give a blank stare or change the subject because they really don't want to hear what I have to say anyway so why waste my breath or feel like I have to defend my choices.

What I want to say: I eat meat. Just not every meal of every day. I eat less meat now than I ever have though. Why? Well, perhaps you haven't read any of my blog posts or any of my Facebook posts.  Maybe you don't listen to anything I have to say or comprehend anything you read. Maybe because you just don't care or just don't want to hear it. There are plenty of reasons why I have altered my eating habits. Primarily, it's because I want to live a healthier life and if that prolongs my life as well, that is a bonus. I want to physically look and feel better on a daily basis. I don't want to take medicine to combat what bad fats, dairy and meat products have done to my body. I'd rather just not consume the products that are known to cause those problems. I love a good smoked brisket. I love a juicy burger. I enjoy delicious pulled pork. I can throw down a greasy pepperoni and sausage pizza like someone is going to steal it from me.  I can splurge on a filet mignon. But, my choice is to not make that my choice. After my 30-day food challenge in April of this year, I chose to eat 90/10 whole food, plant based and that's what I've done.  To be honest, why do you even care that I "don't eat meat"? I'm not forcing you to do the same.

They say: You just eat rabbit food.

Usually, again, I give a blank stare and change the subject because I'm not sure what relevant or enjoyable conversation will come out of saying what I really want to say. If I tried to explain, you'd just make me defensive and it's not worth it.

What I want to say: It's not rabbit food. I had a rabbit as a pet for eight years. The staple of a rabbit's diet is timothy hay. I have never consumed timothy hay or any type of hay. I also don't chomp on carrots or eat iceberg lettuce. By the way, iceberg lettuce is the worst thing you can give a rabbit - it destroys their digestive system but you didn't know that either, did you? Iceberg lettuce has no nutritional value for humans either.  I like salads but my rabbit never had baby spinach as a meal and neither do I.  I also never gave him black beans or corn or tomatoes or sweet potatoes (although my german shepherd loved yams).  Eating whole food, plant based is not just eating salads. It's eating foods that are not processed. It's cutting out sugar which fuels cancer, by the way. It's eating fresh vegetables and fruit. I still eat pasta but it's plant based not processed carb loads. I still eat desserts and chocolate but it's organic natural ingredients. But aren't they gross? No, actually. I have had just as delicious chocolate desserts and there are not "bad for you" ingredients in any of the recipes! How do you eat desserts without sugar? Use dates for your sweetener or agave. You'd be surprised what healthy alternatives exist that serve the same purpose.

They say: How can you eat THAT stuff?

Usually, at this point, you can see blood starting to drip out the corners of my mouth for biting my tongue for so long.

What I want to say: THAT stuff? They act as if I am grazing on my backyard grass and sharing suet with the chickadees. I'm not really sure what is meant by THAT stuff but it's now when I realize that they have no idea what whole food, plant based eating consists of. No, I'm not vegan but it's sometimes easier to just say I am so they'll shut up.  Honestly, it's more restrictive than veganism. No, I'm not a vegetarian. I eat more than just vegetables.  No, I don't need a label but for some reason it makes them feel better to give me one - an inaccurate one.

They say: I could never eat like that.

Usually, I sigh and am about to scream at this point.

What I want to say: Never say never. I never thought I could or would either until my health dictated a change.  At this point, they're thinking, oh, look at you! You don't need to go on a diet. You weigh 80lbs soaking wet (which is nowhere near the truth, thank you). It's not a diet by any means. I also do not change the way I live to please others. I do it to feel good about myself because the last time I checked, I don't see them in charge of making me a better person - physically or mentally. But, they're quick to judge. But, I've realized why they react this way. Ignorance. Whenever they don't understand something, they decide to attack the person who is doing something different than what they are used to instead of trying to understand it. They don't have to eat this way. I don't care if they eat hamburgers every meal, chase it with a diet Coke and then eat ice cream and cake for dessert every night. I'm not looking down on them for how they choose to eat so why do they feel the need to put me down because I make different choices?

Making a choice to change the way you eat is just like choosing to stop smoking cigarettes. Food is an addiction. We are used to eating a certain way, certain foods, our entire life. Believe me, at 44 years old it wasn't easy to change. It wasn't easy at all. Ask Hubs or my mom who had to put up with my moaning and fits of rage for 30 days straight. But just like with quitting smoking, you have to WANT to do it. You have to WANT to change. You have to WANT to stop knowingly putting harmful substances in your body. You have to WANT to look and feel better. Your body is used to it. Your brain is used to it. You have to train it to perform and survive without those things. It sucks going through that withdrawal process. I know. I did it. But I am so much better off as a result. I lost the weight I wanted and continue to keep it off. My clothes fit better. My body feels better.  My blood work and health tests are also indicative of how this way of eating heals.  I will never throw a pill down my throat when I can heal my ailment by changing my eating habits.  It really is that amazing. Thankfully,  I don't have a chronic disease and I'm not severely obese. I'm not on the verge of a heart attack or a stroke. But I had just enough "wrong" that I didn't want to keep going down that road. I wanted to stop it before it got out of control and would be even harder for me to change. I know people who have lost 100lbs or more by eating this way. I know people who have curtailed their heart disease by eating this way. I know people who no longer have chronic pain because of this way of eating. I know people who have started eating this way and now are off of their blood pressure and cholesterol meds and no longer have to give themselves insulin. I know people who started eating this way and their tumors disappeared. 

If I knew about whole food, plant-based eating, 22 years ago, my dad may still be here. That right there is enough to smack me in the face and wake me up. I couldn't save him but I will do everything in my power to save me.

So, I just won't accept you putting me down for pursuing a lifestyle just because YOU don't understand it. I won't start arguments (although at times it's been difficult). But when you're ready, you let me know and I'll be happy to help you and guide you in the right direction to better yourself. 

It takes will power. 
It takes determination. 
It takes a supportive people around you. 
I don't put you down for your religious beliefs or your fashion choices or your political views. 
So, stop belittling me for your ignorance.

They say: I just don't understand why you eat this way.

I say: You don't have to. With all due respect, I really don't care what you think.

-End of rant-

Her mind's thoughts

Pure exhaustion. Drained. Demands of the day. It's over. Finally. Driving. Auto pilot.

Traffic light. Message. Pitched roof. Gingerbread lattice. Attic. Rope. A life taken. Loss of baby girl. Gone. Emily. Pink dress. Incredible sadness. Instant pain. Head. Won't stop.

Spotlight of the sun through the clouds. Faint rectangular rainbow. Music. Edwin.  I'll be. The greatest fan of your life. Daddy. Support. Tears. I've got this.

Evening walk. Brisk air. Sweet girl. Abandoned house. Overgrown brush. Lone weaving lilac. Peeling paint. Always unknowingly led there. No explanation. Until now. Top window. Kitchen. White dress shirt.  Maroon tie. I knew it. Let me help. Next time.

Deep breath. Veil is thin. Fear not. Fortunate one. Aware.

Home. Hydrate. Meditate. Enchanting music. Soothing candle. Calm. Quiet. No words spoken. Deep sigh.

Joseph Carr. California. Pop. Pour. Glass half full. Deep red purple hue. One sniff. Transported. Muddy field. Barefoot. Racing. Giggling. Playing. Not a care. Innocence.

Longing.
Reminiscing.
Breathing.
Releasing.

Just being.
At last.

This is where the healing begins

I've never really cared too much about what other people think of me.  Everyone has their opinions and are welcome to express them. I listen and I may or may not agree, but as long as you don't push it on me and are respectful, I'll often just end up agreeing to disagree and move on.

I also don't do things for attention. I act and react the way I feel is best (or the only way I know how).  I believe in what I believe in and whole heartedly so. I am pretty damn knowledgeable about a handful of things of which I am quite passionate. I'll fight to the bitter end to defend those things (and people) I believe in, when necessary, but I'll never punish you for feeling differently. I expect you to treat me the same.

I may seem, to most, as if I enjoy life, am genuinely happy and make friends easily.  For the most part, that is an accurate observation but very few people, and I mean less than 10, truly know who I REALLY am. That same handful truly WANT to know who I really am and care with all of their being to understand and know me and for that I am grateful. My tribe.

I have friends. I have acquaintances. I have coworkers. I have family. I enjoy being out in public, communicating and being social... sometimes.  But it's when I'm alone, in the safe, secure, sanctuary I call home, that I can finally start to breathe and just be myself.  For I am many things that many people cannot and do not see.

I am an empath. I feel and tune in to the emotions and energy of people and animals. They can be right in front of me or they can be on the other side of the country. And yes, some even have taken on another form and are not physically here on earth anymore. I am psychic aware, as a result, and have been honing my medium skills through animal communication as well as the energy of those who have passed from this world.  This is where most of you will stop reading and that is when all that I previously mentioned will come into play.

About eight months ago, I embarked on a healing journey that has opened up so many doors and given me such a new insight on life. I have been working with an energy healer, delving into tarot card work and acknowledging and learning to heal my core wounds.  This is not work for the faint of heart but it is incredibly necessary and rewarding. My entire life, I have always sought and often found, though fleeting, happiness in other people and things. I am finally understanding that happiness can only be found within ourselves. Until you realize that fact, you will never be truly happy. Then there is the part of the journey where forgiveness needs to play a dominant role - forgiving yourself AND forgiving others. I have been wronged by many and surely know how to hold a lifelong grudge, but through this journey I have realized that forgiving someone is not benefitting them but it's truly for me!! Once I was able to let go of those people and their hold on my emotions, I felt a freedom that I cannot even begin to put into words.

If you're still reading this, you're probably thinking, "Dear God, the girl has lost her mind" or "Poor thing, her daddy died and now she's losing it." It couldn't be farther from the truth. I have been in tune with the spirit world for many years and once I came to the conclusion that my energy work on myself has made way for me to help others, I knew it was time for me to stop keeping it hidden. What I have come to realize in the last year is that I'm not alone. There are many like me but few who will actually speak about it for fear of shame and unacceptance. Well, I'm done. Those people who think we are crazy or avoid these types of conversations with us are doing so because they are scared of the unknown or think it's wrong because it's different from what they know. You live your life the way you want and I'll live mine.  But when you're ready to transform into your higher self and surrender to your true being by letting go of the past by forgiving and choosing love, then you let me know.

And I will be here. I'll be here to help you in any way I can. As long as it comes from a place of truth and love, I'll help you along this journey because as I do so, it is equally helping me in return.

 

This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.

- Tenth Avenue North