Her mind's thoughts

Pure exhaustion. Drained. Demands of the day. It's over. Finally. Driving. Auto pilot.

Traffic light. Message. Pitched roof. Gingerbread lattice. Attic. Rope. A life taken. Loss of baby girl. Gone. Emily. Pink dress. Incredible sadness. Instant pain. Head. Won't stop.

Spotlight of the sun through the clouds. Faint rectangular rainbow. Music. Edwin.  I'll be. The greatest fan of your life. Daddy. Support. Tears. I've got this.

Evening walk. Brisk air. Sweet girl. Abandoned house. Overgrown brush. Lone weaving lilac. Peeling paint. Always unknowingly led there. No explanation. Until now. Top window. Kitchen. White dress shirt.  Maroon tie. I knew it. Let me help. Next time.

Deep breath. Veil is thin. Fear not. Fortunate one. Aware.

Home. Hydrate. Meditate. Enchanting music. Soothing candle. Calm. Quiet. No words spoken. Deep sigh.

Joseph Carr. California. Pop. Pour. Glass half full. Deep red purple hue. One sniff. Transported. Muddy field. Barefoot. Racing. Giggling. Playing. Not a care. Innocence.

Longing.
Reminiscing.
Breathing.
Releasing.

Just being.
At last.

This is where the healing begins

I've never really cared too much about what other people think of me.  Everyone has their opinions and are welcome to express them. I listen and I may or may not agree, but as long as you don't push it on me and are respectful, I'll often just end up agreeing to disagree and move on.

I also don't do things for attention. I act and react the way I feel is best (or the only way I know how).  I believe in what I believe in and whole heartedly so. I am pretty damn knowledgeable about a handful of things of which I am quite passionate. I'll fight to the bitter end to defend those things (and people) I believe in, when necessary, but I'll never punish you for feeling differently. I expect you to treat me the same.

I may seem, to most, as if I enjoy life, am genuinely happy and make friends easily.  For the most part, that is an accurate observation but very few people, and I mean less than 10, truly know who I REALLY am. That same handful truly WANT to know who I really am and care with all of their being to understand and know me and for that I am grateful. My tribe.

I have friends. I have acquaintances. I have coworkers. I have family. I enjoy being out in public, communicating and being social... sometimes.  But it's when I'm alone, in the safe, secure, sanctuary I call home, that I can finally start to breathe and just be myself.  For I am many things that many people cannot and do not see.

I am an empath. I feel and tune in to the emotions and energy of people and animals. They can be right in front of me or they can be on the other side of the country. And yes, some even have taken on another form and are not physically here on earth anymore. I am psychic aware, as a result, and have been honing my medium skills through animal communication as well as the energy of those who have passed from this world.  This is where most of you will stop reading and that is when all that I previously mentioned will come into play.

About eight months ago, I embarked on a healing journey that has opened up so many doors and given me such a new insight on life. I have been working with an energy healer, delving into tarot card work and acknowledging and learning to heal my core wounds.  This is not work for the faint of heart but it is incredibly necessary and rewarding. My entire life, I have always sought and often found, though fleeting, happiness in other people and things. I am finally understanding that happiness can only be found within ourselves. Until you realize that fact, you will never be truly happy. Then there is the part of the journey where forgiveness needs to play a dominant role - forgiving yourself AND forgiving others. I have been wronged by many and surely know how to hold a lifelong grudge, but through this journey I have realized that forgiving someone is not benefitting them but it's truly for me!! Once I was able to let go of those people and their hold on my emotions, I felt a freedom that I cannot even begin to put into words.

If you're still reading this, you're probably thinking, "Dear God, the girl has lost her mind" or "Poor thing, her daddy died and now she's losing it." It couldn't be farther from the truth. I have been in tune with the spirit world for many years and once I came to the conclusion that my energy work on myself has made way for me to help others, I knew it was time for me to stop keeping it hidden. What I have come to realize in the last year is that I'm not alone. There are many like me but few who will actually speak about it for fear of shame and unacceptance. Well, I'm done. Those people who think we are crazy or avoid these types of conversations with us are doing so because they are scared of the unknown or think it's wrong because it's different from what they know. You live your life the way you want and I'll live mine.  But when you're ready to transform into your higher self and surrender to your true being by letting go of the past by forgiving and choosing love, then you let me know.

And I will be here. I'll be here to help you in any way I can. As long as it comes from a place of truth and love, I'll help you along this journey because as I do so, it is equally helping me in return.

 

This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.

- Tenth Avenue North

Grateful on Birthday Eve

I love birthdays. I usually wait with anticipation as August comes to a close because September is my birth month. I have things planned all month - from tiny little simple happies to larger excursions.  Everyone laughs at me because I believe birthdays should be celebrated all month; not just one day. This isn't about "me" or being special. It's about feeling alive and grateful to have been given life and been chosen to live this awesome life that I am living! I never understand why people don't want to celebrate or why they think growing older is something awful. Surviving another year is often times a miracle in itself and when God has given me yet another year under my belt, I am full of gratitude!

But this year is different. As the last week in August approached, I had nothing planned. No celebrations - big or small. When I was asked what I wanted for my birthday, all my heart could say was, "I want my dad and Prowler back." Since that can't occur, there really wasn't anything material that even excited me. You'd think turning 45 would be a monumental birthday but I've been really nonchalant about it all. I wanted to just spend it with those I love - mostly hubs, my mom and my sweet little girl.

Well, it's Birthday Eve and the tides are changing... literally. While earlier in the week I was having bouts of anxiety about Hurricane Florence demolishing my little slice of paradise here in the OBX and truly stealing everything I call "home", today I am ready to celebrate. I have been energized and I have been smacked in the face by reality. I am turning 45 tomorrow and while most stores and restaurants are closed and my birthday Zac Brown Band concert present was cancelled, I am still ready to celebrate. Why? Because I am alive. Because I have pretty much all I have ever dreamed of in this lifetime. Because I have a man who believes in me, accepts  all my crazy, and treats me like the queen that my daddy always made me believe I am. Because I am healthy and have an incredible roof over my head. Because I have a momma who is my best friend and holds my heart.

Why am I ready to celebrate now? As I watch CNN and see the devastating floods in New Bern, NC and farther south, I am blatantly reminded that was almost us. Had Florence not turned south.... Had she changed her mind and decided to come north again.... the flooding in New Bern would have been us. So today, on Birthday Eve, I am smiling. My heart and soul are gratefully smiling as I fall to my knees, raise my head to the sky and thank Mother Nature and the good Lord above. This truly may be one of my best birthdays yet!

God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well. - Voltaire

Doves, double rainbows and a message from Dad

The past 24 hours, I have been surrounded with extreme bouts of strength and hope equaled by bouts of pure hysteria and fear. We are prepared to stay and we are equally prepared to leave should we deem necessary. There are many considerations to undertake –more than you realize until you are in this situation. We still have time. We are more fortunate than most – we have storm shutters, we are not in a flood zone, we have a generator, we have a plan. Most of all, we have each other.

This morning, I was already in a state of sadness and brought back to that fateful day in DC, NY and PA – 9/11. I looked outside and my American flag was flying high and proud. I walked out on my deck and I saw my calm Mother Ocean and the pink sunrise coming through the fluffy white clouds.  I thanked God for allowing me this gift and I asked him to graciously protect my little slice of paradise; this amazing community that has shown more strength and love to their fellow man in the past two years that I’ve been here than I can even begin to put into words.

I ran around taking pictures of my home and belongings as I walked down the stairs to head to work for half a day and I felt a heaviness weighing on me. On auto pilot, I got in my jeep, waved to Dan at the golf course clubhouse as I passed, said “good morning” to the ocean at the end of my street and turned right  onto the Bypass for my typical 25-minute drive to Manteo.  

I felt myself being pulled to the ocean; to a beach access. But I didn’t want to go to my usual access. I didn’t know where I wanted to go but I needed to go. I needed to feel the sun on my face. I needed to hear and smell the ocean. I needed to feel the sand on my feet.  It may be the last time for a while after today. I asked for direction and suddenly had the urge to turn left in Nags Head and drive toward the beach road.  As I turned right onto the beach road, it was deserted already. I immediately turned left to the Blackman Rd. beach access.  No one was there and, as I walked up the tall steps, I could feel the sun to my right and I could hear the ocean waves peacefully crashing.

As I approached the top and saw this glorious sight, I raised my head to the sky, took a deep breath and prayed. I instantly felt a source of strength and determination I haven’t felt before.  There was a lone surfer to the left and the Nags Head Pier off in the distance to my right. The ocean wasn’t angry; it was breathtakingly beautiful. I took in all the beauty around me and it instantly turned into inner strength and fueled my soul.

As I walked back to my jeep, two doves greeted me and that’s when I knew I was making the right decision. A lone dove has always been a sign of my grandfather being with me and confidently urging me to stay on my current path. He never leads me astray. Two doves together strengthen that point and are a source of protection – my grandparents together – the ultimate source of unconditional love and union – solidifying that I know exactly what I’m doing and to finally just stop doubting myself.

As I proceed down the beach road, what is the first thing I see? A milepost sign.  #11. Yeah, another awesome sign- clarity and guidance from my spirit guides.  I survey all of the houses and businesses that I pass and my mind starts to wander and realize what could, and probably will, happen here within a matter of days. Life as we know it will change. It always does during a storm but those who live in the Outer Banks are survivors.  I make the turn past Jeanette’s Pier and cross over the road leading to Hatteras Island. As I sit at the traffic light waiting to turn at Sugar Creek Restaurant to proceed across the causeway, I ask God for a sign. I ask for a sign to show me the way; to tell me what to do. I need to stop this battle in my head and be given guidance once and for all on how to handle this situation. Do I stay? Do I go? Instantly, the light turned green and as I turn, a double rainbow is smack in front of my face. I had to pull over into a parking lot to take a picture and as tears rolled down my face, I knew.......

I’m not going anywhere. This is my home. Living here has been the dream that I never thought would come true. I love my home – my physical home and this barrier island that I have called home for the last two years and has been my one true source of peace for over 30 years. I don’t want to leave. I don’t need to leave. I have a renewed strength and once this storm is over, I want to already be here so I can help those less fortunate than us rebuild. Right there on the side of the road just over the Little Bridge, I had a true awakening and have never felt so sure of anything in my life.  I asked for a sign and bam! A double rainbow – a complete double rainbow!  A double rainbow is meant to help us align our outer world with our inner spirit which has been my exact struggle up to this point.  It is also a sign from the Universe that you are about to have something great fall into your lap and that one good thing will lead to another. Hallelujah!

And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant which I make between Me and you and every living creature with you, for everlasting generations…I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth . . . and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh. (Genesis 9:12, 15, HBFV)

I arrive at work, with a smile on my face, a renewed spirit and a sense of determination and hope. I get to my desk and what do I find? Words from my father.  Words he texted me when I totaled my car and was completely distraught in early 2017. “Keep the faith. Things will be fine. Be strong.” As if I needed another sign this morning...... Thanks, Daddy. You always protected your little girl and yes, I feel and know that you still are. I will carry these words with me through whatever may come……

Until then, love one another, put away the pettiness, appreciate what you have, and pray hard for all of us in the wrath of this powerful bitch named, Florence.

 

 

 

 

Make those daydreams come true

I should have paid more attention to my two semesters of Astronomy in college. The best part of that huge lecture class was this really good looking Army Sgt. named Dan Kilgallen who was also taking the class. I wonder where he is these days. I never saw him after those two classes. We did go to lunch a few times and even to a Caps hockey game. I'm sure he was happy that the Caps won the Stanley Cup this year. But I digress.....

Astronomy. Why did I even take Astronomy? I hate science and I hate math. I'm a word girl. But the night sky has always intrigued me. I wish I would have paid more attention all those years ago in college because that info probably would have come in handy with my recent experiences and surrounding energies.

Did ya'll see that moon last night? And that almost orange-ish bright spot diagonal from bottom right of the moon? That was Mars and after August it won't be this bright for another 15 years.  This Sunday, August 26, is a full moon. Now, let's get something straight. I think a full moon always gets a bad rap. People (especially those in the medical profession) hate full moons and they think bad things happen and people act like fools. That is not always true. I LOVE a full moon. Yes, the energy of the full moon can definitely be strong and cause some emotional stuff to occur but it's pretty fascinating stuff! The more you know about it, the more you know how to handle and embrace it!

I actually find myself energized by the moon. On nights when the clouds hide the moon, I feel a sense of loss and am borderline depressed. Ever since I moved to the Outer Banks, I have felt this connection to the night sky grow even stronger. Is it because our skyline is free from distraction and

obstruction? Probably. Is it because when I stand up on my top deck, I feel as close as I've ever been to the moon? Of course. Is it because I get my strength from the sun (and my lion)? You bet it is. Is it because I am also grounded by water and live at the ocean now and it's all connected? Absolutely.

For the past three months, I have talked about (ok obsessed about) how we've had a very emotional upheaval of energy with this summer's intense eclipse season and I have felt the effects more than ever.  Not just emotional roller coaster feelings but past relationships being brought to the surface and even physical effects like unexplainable headaches, ear ringing, heart palpitations and almost debilitating anxiety and even some panic attacks. It's been some crazy shit! I've been trying to just lay low, meditate, keep my mouth shut (which you know is really difficult) and try to just be in nature as much as possible. Being outside has truly been the only saving and grounding grace for me.

Well, this Sunday with the full moon in Pisces, we are getting rewarded for making it through that miserable eclipse and retrograde season (we had 5 planets acting up at once)! We are going to feel relieved and light enough to start dancing around our kitchen again. Wait, you don't do that? Oh hell yeah, turn on big band music and just glide across that hardwood floor, lovelies! I know I sure am ready! While Pisces will bring the imaginative and romantic nature out in us, the fact that the sun has moved into Virgo (Hey, that's my sign!) will make us organized and efficient. What does that mean really? Manifest your little butts off because dreams are gonna come true with this combo of imagination and structure!!! Oh hell, yeah! That's what I'm talking about it! Bring it! As my favorite, Pat Monahan of Train, sings, "It's not just a daydream if you decide to make it your life!" Let's take advantage of this positive energy and make our dreams start coming true! When we think positive, we attract positive!

The entire summer I have been bogged down and have felt such a weight on me. I've been doing my best to purge everything that doesn't make me happy to make room for the things that do make me happy! I was forced to finally let go of those old habits and past relationship flaws that have created my core wounds. I love to write but I love it even more when I can burn that bitch after I write it. It's amazing how healing it truly is to tell someone off and then burn it with love and forgiveness and be done with them once and for all! I highly recommend it!

Well, it's time to change our outlook and use this full moon and its creative energy which is going to give us a heightened awareness of our connection to each other and the Divine! Let's use this abundance of unconditional love and acceptance to inspire compassionate acts and creative expression. Choose love!! Who in this world doesn't need that? Embrace its overflowing and then give it right back out to the universe. This is a cycle that we could all get behind!

While Pisces will bring out your light and airy, creative side, Virgo is still going to be there bringing out the planning, organizing and analyzing part of you. So, if it gets a little overwhelming, just take a break. Take a dance break even. Or just go take a walk, take a nap or take in some good music to soothe your soul and relax.  Don't worry. This full moon cycle is success oriented and it's going to have everlasting effects so take your time and truly, enjoy every moment!

Pisces is a water sign which means no matter what comes up during the full moon, we will be safe and protected by its beautiful, calming and restorative vibration! I highly recommend that ya'll join me in rejoicing and taking advantage of this time to delve into our spirituality, follow our intuition and activate our creativity! We have definitely earned it this summer!

Until next time, I send you tons of love and light! Now go make those daydreams come true!

Let it go

Well, hello there, my friends. It's mid-August and life is just flying past, isn't it? I'm thrilled to say that the rare three new moon solar eclipse periods have passed and Mercury will be out of retrograde within the next couple of days! These past three months have been a time of intense emotion and often confusion with unexpected varying mood swings coursing through our veins! Things, and maybe even people, from your past have resurfaced out of nowhere!

 The Lion's Gate Portal on 8/8/18 was my absolute favorite of all during this energized summer! Why? Because it was an opportune time to release your past wounds and let go of all that does not serve you. With every new moon, you should practice this behavior but with the Lion's Gate Portal the Universe was definitely on our side with that urging. Three days later on 8/11/18, we experienced the last new moon with a partial solar eclipse in which we should have started our manifestations.

I started on the path of a life-changing journey and the summer has been nothing short of a roller coaster of emotions. While that may sound a little unnerving to most, it actually has been pretty phenomenal. Why? I began the process of acknowledging my core wounds and embarking on the journey of healing them.

What does that mean?

A lot of meditation

A lot of work with my spirit guides

 A lot of self-reflection

A lot of prayer

Most of all a lot of love and forgiveness.

We all have core wounds that have been with us since we were very young. These wounds may be obvious like physical abuse or abandonment or they may not be as clear cut. But you can be assured that these wounds have attached themselves to us and facilitated our behavior in relationships throughout our life.  If we don't address them, it will continue.

On the surface, I probably seem like a pretty balanced, strong, happy woman. But by being a strong, independent woman, I also am able to project what I want the world to see when in reality there is an internal battle being fought. Well, I was done. I finally said, I can't take this anymore - it's destroying me! I was tired of being the victim and letting these behaviors and people control me. I was tired of holding so much anger and disgust. I was tired of being truly unhappy.

Even though I knew what I had to do, it wasn't that easy to actually make it happen.

But... once I did, it was the most freeing feeling I have ever experienced in my 44 years on this earth.

Energy abounds!

At 10:48pm EST, we will be experiencing the beginning of a new moon cycle. Not only is this a solar eclipse as well, but it's also a super moon! What does that mean? A shit ton of energy! Seriously! Emotions are going to be intense during this transition and during the entire cycle.  It is a time for soul evolution and transformation! A time of healing and emotional purging.  I am super excited about this cycle beginning because I have been feeling the physical effects leading up to this day and it hasn't been fun AT ALL! I am ready to embrace this rare occurrence by releasing, resting and healing. I am ready for the empowerment that it will present and the refueling that is needed!

Wait. WTF is she talking about? Is this the same person who has always written this blog? Did someone take over since the last post? Is this still the wine and food girl? The one who loves animals and eats plants now? Yep, it's still me, ya'll, and I'm super pumped!

I haven't blogged much lately because I have been focused on me. Sounds selfish, I know but it is necessary. I'm realizing that more every moment of every day. I changed my eating habits and am physically feeling better. Now it's time to emotionally feel better!

We are all seeking happiness in this world and we often seek it in the wrong places. I know I have for the last 44 years I've been on this earth. We need to stop looking for happiness in people and things. We need to let go of our ego fears and surrender to the fact that our soul has already decided what we need and trust. Seek the happiness within yourself! Be the source of your own happiness. Once you are able to do this, you will then be rewarded with TRUE happiness.

How do we do that, you ask? Well, that's part of the journey upon which I have chosen to embark. It's a learning process and a lot of it has to do with clearing past lives, raising your vibrational frequency and healing core wounds. My energy level has been raised and my awareness is definitely heightened. I have begun to focus on addressing and healing my core wounds. Let me tell ya, it has been one of the most emotional freeing processes I have ever witnessed and I am no where near done.  Our subconscious fears and false beliefs in this life keep us from manifesting and becoming our true and best selves!

I could go on and on about my journey but let's face it, it's about me, and no one really wants to hear it and very few would understand anyway. I don't want to be right. I want to be happy and that's where this new moon energy will benefit me. It will benefit all of us, actually, if you let it!

Intuition and spirituality will be enhanced.  Things will be brought into balance. Emotions will be heightened and it's a time to let go of what doesn't make you happy. This energy promotes the releasing of the past; removing past practices and behaviors to make room for new feelings and experiences. It is very rare that the astrological signs of earth AND water are both affecting this cycle and, as a result, they are bringing numerous blessings!

Listen and trust your intuition during this time.  Disconnect from your routine. Be quiet and listen. Meditate. Go to a safe place and tune in to spirit, source, the Divine God.  It is important to unleash your energy and recalibrate. This time is all about new beginnings and living in the present moment!! Healing happens only when we are present. When you lose track of time, you are totally present so stop letting the past influence you! I know I'm going to do my best to set the stage to live the rest of 2018 in the present moment!

Happy new moon, super moon, solar eclipse, everyone! Here's to embracing all the positive energy represented tonight! Sending love and light your way until next time......