Day 4 - Enjoy this journey; it's not a prison

Support groups. You hear of support groups for handling a death, a divorce, addictions, financial issues. Well, there are support groups for food concerns too. For lack of a better word, I consider the Forks Over Knives FB community a support group through this battle, I mean challenge. I have found that everyone is potentially taking this step to a new lifestyle for differing reasons but all health related. They could have high blood sugar or cholesterol or blood pressure. They could have just come out of major heart surgery. They could be battling arthritis. They may want to lose weight. The reasons differ but the support is pretty tremendous. I have found great ideas and recipes and tons of motivation as well.

I have also found unrivaled support from the NP at my County's Wellness Clinic. She has been plant based for quite a long time and her putting up with my constant daily questions, concerns, photos and moanings have been so greatly appreciated. I'm still having a hard time believing that at the end of this I'll end up not even wanting cheese anymore, but we'll see. It's hard to deny the story of her French/Italian mother, who at the age of 74, has been plant based for a year now and doesn't even want a piece of cheese anymore, after growing up with it and eating cheese like it's candy.

One thing she did say that made me happy was that bread was ok as long as it was healthy bread. She suggested a brand called "Dave's Killer Bread" and I hit Fresh Market in search of it. 21 grains and thin sliced. Of course, I'm not going to eat the whole loaf in a day (although it's tempting) but I did decide to have a toasted slice this morning with a thin layer of almond butter! Considering, I hate breakfast, a slice of Dave's bread and a few strawberries made this girl very content!

At 10pm last night, Hubs thought I had lost my mind. Well, it wasn't the first time but that story's for another time. I was baking. What? Baking. Yeah, I know. I don't bake. I have said that numerous times. I cook but I don't bake. Well, I found a recipe for flourless muffins and thought that would be something easy for me to handle for breakfast if I could make them correctly. Come to find out, these grain-free, oil-free, soy-free, refined sugar-free muffins weren't difficult to make and would prove just fine for my purpose!

Here's the full recipe. I made the 12 and not 24 minis but other than, I used this recipe step by step.  http://ohsheglows.com/2018/03/01/flourless-bite-sized-breakfast-muffins/

I'm sure that some people would want butter or jam or something on them but I don't think they really need it. Bananas, almond butter and cinnamon. God bless you, cinnamon.

For lunch, I may have played it safe but that's ok.  I had the corn, avocado, tomato, cilantro with fresh squeezed lemon and some sunflower seeds on top again. Refreshing, filling, delicious and easy. No chance of me being angry or disappointed about this one. Gotta set myself up for success sometimes.

Buckwheat noodles are fat free and cholesterol free and are a good source of nutrients such as manganese and thiamine. Buckwheat noodles are a rice noodle so I'm allowed to have those noodles on this challenge.  You may have seen rapini, or broccoli rabe, in your grocery store and thought oh it's some fancy broccoli thing. But it's actually not. It's a leafy, cruciferous (I love that word) vegetable closely related to the turnip! Rapini is supercharged with Vitamin C giving your immune system a kick and it's also good for your heart - with tons of Vitamin K which is believed to reduce the risk of artery hardening. My sweet Bayley, my Netherland Dwarf rabbit, loved rapini and I would often get it at Whole Foods for him but I never tried it myself until tonight.

I found a recipe for broccoli rabe and peanut sauce soba buckwheat noodles and it looked so delicious and interesting, not to mention hearty, quick and healthy! Trim old raab, sautee him in the skillet with some vegetable broth 'til he softens and throw in some portabello mushrooms so he won't be lonely. Boiling the water for the noodles took the longest!

Making the peanut sauce myself was a huge win for Hubs because it's one of his favorites. I used Earth Balance vegan creamy natural peanut butter, liquid aminos (or you can use reduced soy sauce or tamari), rice vinegar, a little agave nectar for sweetness, garlic, ginger and red pepper flakes.

Throw everything in a pot and stir!

My only complaint was that it tasted extremely salty to me. I'm not a fan of salt and I never salt my foods. If you want to salt it afterwards, knock yourself out, but this girl doesn't use or like salt, unless the steaming of blue crabs are involved. That's the only time.

I'm guessing it was probably the liquid aminos that gave me the overly salty flavor.

Liquid aminos are essential for those eating a plant-based diet because it's more difficult for us to find the essential amino acids without consuming animal products. They are a fancy version of soy sauce which contain plant proteins and amino acids which are the building blocks of proteins but it looks like they have quite a alot of salt in them. There's no added salt though. However, they don't contain wheat and aren't fermented so it's a great swap for soy sauce.

I'll use less aminos next time because this dish definitely has potential.

I'm not a huge dessert fan but I do love chocolate. However, I need to stay away from sugar and don't need those calories. So I found a recipe for chia pudding. It wasn't chocolate but I figured it was a safe start. It was enough to fill two ramekins and it's a good thing, again, that Hubs enjoyed it because I did not.

First of all, it doesn't look like pudding and this girl was not a fan of the texture AT ALL!

One thing I have to realize is just because it's referred to as vegan pudding or vegan lasagna or vegan pulled pork, the key word is vegan. I see the name and expect it to taste like what I'm used to eating. Uh, no. Wrong.

I wish people would just come up with another name because it's never going to taste like the real thing.

Day 4.

Not a disaster. Not brilliant either.

Some things to tweak. Some things to keep. Some things to never do again.

I'm trying to enjoy the journey, dude.

I really am but sometimes it seems like I'm right on the edge of that prison cell being closed and locked down for good.

Upward and onward......

Day 3 - Tacos saved the day!

I'm a texture girl. I have always despised foods with texture resembling that of refried beans and oatmeal. My dad loved Cream of Wheat and I would gag just looking at it. I know, however, that oatmeal is a healthy meal that I should be having at breakfast time. Like I said before, I'm also not a breakfast fan. Yeah, I know. It's the most important meal of the day. Blah blah blah

Well, if I'm starting off right, then I'm going to put my past feelings away and try to be positive and forward thinking. The five-minute oatmeal power bowl by Oh She Glows. How bad could this be? After all, I'm making it from scratch and it's not coming out of a box or being done in the microwave. Plus it could be made in five minutes and let's face it, I like my sleep more than I like food in the morning so this was a plus. The night before, I mashed a banana until it resembled some sort of smooth nature, and then stirred in chia seeds, oats, cinnamon, almond milk and a little bit of water. I then put this mush to bed in the fridge overnight. 

This morning, feeling hopeful, I scooped the mush into a pan and heated it on medium-high, brought it to a simmer, reduced it to medium-low and stirred so it would be heated through and thickened. I slopped it, I mean, poured it, into a bowl and added some more cinnamon. Cinnamon definitely wouldn't hurt.

I took a bite and just about gagged. Not because it tasted bad. It tasted just fine but the texture was absolutely disgusting. I gave it to Hubs to try and he said it was good and that it tasted like oatmeal. Well, there ya go! Proof that I still despise oatmeal. I just have a problem with eating something that looks and feels like it's already been consumed and spit back out. The photo didn't help any - it looks like green bean casserole which I also do not like.

 But, nevertheless, I committed to this challenge (and I hate wasting) so I ate the oatmeal.

 Well, almost all of it. Hubs finished the rest.

Thinking it couldn't get worse than oatmeal, I was hopeful for today's lunch.

The Quinoa Green Goddess Bowl.

Now, finally a WFPB (whole food plant based) dish that actually looks pretty!

Quinoa, steamed kale and sweet potatoes, diced red pepper with a homemade tahini and cilantro dressing. I want to like this so badly but I don't. Again, Hubs liked it and will eat the vat of it that I made.  Perhaps it's a quinoa texture thing. It was pretty bland too and I love flavor!

At this point, I'm really starting to get depressed and questioning myself. WTH am I doing? I love food. I love flavorful food. I love pairing wine with food. I love taking a bite and being so excited or comforted that I just moan. I can cook just about anything but when put in a plant-based bubble, where all is new to me, I'm at a loss.

But again, I don't waste, so I sucked down the lunch I packed and drank a ton of water afterwards. This recipe will NOT be going in the "save" pile.

Honestly, I'm feeling pretty defeated at this point and just hope that dinner is fathomable. I found a recipe for vegan fajitas and just altered it a tad. I was hopeful.

I sauteed portobello mushrooms, black beans, red pepper strips, red onion, cumin, garlic and red pepper flakes in vegetable broth. A mixture of liquid aminos, rice vinegar and something else I can't even remember was then poured over it as it simmered.

In the meantime, I made my own salsa (which I often do anyway) of red onion, tomatoes, cilantro, jalapeno, garlic and a splash of lime juice - squeezed from a lime; not the bottled crap.

It was smelling good and I was starting to get a tad bit optimistic. I threw a corn tortilla in a dry skillet on both sides and then made two tacos for Hubs. Then I made myself two tacos. A ton of avocado on top, of course! After one bite, we both knew this would be a recipe that ends up in the weekly rotation. After today, it may be the ONLY thing that gets me through the next 27 days!

We love tacos. I often make them at home with pulled chicken, pork carnitas or beef barbacoa.

We love Bad Bean Baja Grill restaurant which we can ride our bikes to as well as the Outer Banks Taco Bar. Even our little golf course Sandtrap Tavern has black bean tacos with a crema that is yummy and we choose at happy hour regardless of this challenge.

Had these tacos turned out poorly, I would have been completely crushed.

But, tacos will never fail me.
They never let me down.
They have always been that one stable food force for me.
Even through this challenge, tacos saved Day 3!
All hail the power of the taco!

Day 2 - Still going strong

Well, I survived Day 1. That counts for something.

Day 2 started with a Green Monster Smoothie, thanks to the website, Oh She Glows! That website and Forks Over Knives have been lifesavers for me in regard to starting this journey!

Add the following to a blender and whip it up until it's smooth.

• 1 cup almond milk
• 1 cup baby spinach - I didn't really measure - I put a ton in there.
• 1 large ripe frozen banana, chopped into chunks
• 1 tablespoon almond butter
• 1 tablespoon ground flaxseed (you could use chia instead)
• Pinch of ground cinnamon. I love cinnamon and this is really where the flavor comes from so there was definitely more than a pinch thrown in my blender. I've always been a fan of cinnamon and it has incredible healing properties- tons of powerful antioxidants, anti-inflammatory properties and may even be protective against cancer.

Pretty darn simple to make and pretty darn delicious too. I've never had problems with smoothies. In fact, when my dad was on chemo and had no taste buds, didn't feel like eating and was withering away, I created "good fat" smoothie recipes for Mom to make him. He thought it was gross because it was green but once he got past the color, and actually tasted it, he loved them! Mom and I promised each other to never tell him what was in it though.

For lunch on Day 2, I decided to go light - something refreshing to take away the hunger pains.

Tomato, avocado, corn and cilantro with sunflower seeds and a spritz or two of fresh lemon juice. I could have eaten an entire vat of this stuff. I can't even begin to imagine how delicious this will be come summer when home grown tomatoes are at my local produce stand!

For dinner, we had a vegan chili which I prepared on Day 1. I never eat chili on the same day I make it. We want those flavors to meld at least overnight.

Again, many thanks to Oh She Glows for this recipe because I followed it step by step.

http://ohsheglows.com/2014/02/05/my-favourite-vegan-chili-with-homemade-sour-cream/

The only thing I would change next time is knock it down to only one jalapeno. I like spicy food but I don't want it so hot that I can't taste anything else but heat and this was almost at that point. I may add some corn in there too. We'll see.

Again, this shot is not that appetizing at all which is too bad because the chili was super easy to make and super delicious. Of course, I wanted to douse it with sour cream and cheddar cheese to take away the heat if nothing else, but I didn't do it. Hubs didn't do it either which was impressive. He's being such a great support to me in this challenge!

I did make the cashew sour cream that was attached to the chili recipe. It helped a little with toning down the heat from the jalapeno but in all actuality, it didn't have much taste to it and I couldn't get it as creamy as typical sour cream.

Live and learn.

That's part of what this journey is about also.

Searching for recipes. Finding them. Trying them. Liking them or hating them.

Tweaking them or never using them again.

It's a trial and error process.

Isn't that kind of like life in general?

Day 1 B2B (Back to Basics) Food Challenge

Knowing that Day 1 of my challenge would start on Sunday, April 1, I did a lot of research and recipe searching ahead of time. (No, this is not the basis for an April Fool's joke.) I also stocked up on the majority of the vegan pantry staples at Wegmans when I took my mom home on Good Friday. When I made this decision, I knew I had to be 100% in or it wouldn't work. Otherwise, I wouldn't know if this way of eating would truly benefit me so it has to be all or nothing!

Sunday morning, I woke at 5:30 am to get dressed and ready in the darkness to go to Easter "Sonrise" Service at Jockey's Ridge State Park. What an incredible way to start off Easter, my favorite holiday! No better source of inspiration and motivation than reliving Jesus' resurrection in the middle of a sand dune as the sun comes up! Really put things in perspective.

On the way home, I had to stop by my original happy place to set the tone for the rest of my day and the beginning of this new challenge.

I have never been a breakfast fan and often will just juice some vegetables and suck it down real quick or grab some granola or a piece of fruit. But today, I wanted to make breakfast for me and Hubs. So I found a vegan oat and apple pancake recipe. I also must admit that I love to cook but I do NOT bake. This felt like borderline baking. While I mixed everything together and prepared it for going on the skillet once it got to the stove, the process was no longer fun for me. For the sake of the state of our kitchen, Hubs decided to take over the pancake flipping part of the process and for that I am beyond grateful.

The basis of these pancakes are oat flour, green apples, cinnamon and almond milk.  Slice a few bananas to throw on top and a bit of pure maple syrup (pure is the key) and you're good to go.

One thing I realized from making my first meal on this challenge was that vegan food is not that photogenic. At least not yet. But it tasted super yummy and that's the important part!

Sunday is usually my grocery shopping and meal prepping for the week day. I spend most of the day in the kitchen and while that may seem strange, it helps free up the rest of the week, especially when I work all day and have a puppy to entertain upon arriving home at night. This Sunday was no different except that I spent more time than usual in the kitchen. In fact, I grabbed a granola bar for lunch as I was preparing meals and washing dishes because I didn't want to stop!

Next up - Dinner

Cheesy Lentil Bolognese Casserole

Looks like a baked pasta dish with yummy cheese, right? Well, kind of.

I was pretty impressed and shocked to be honest.

I have found that vegan food is often misunderstood. We all assume it is tasteless but it's all about the spices. People ask how I could stop eating meat. Well, really, it isn't that difficult for me. I have toyed with the idea for quite a few years actually. Would you just eat ground beef or a NY Strip without seasoning it? Of course not. It's all about flavor and you get that flavor from spices. It's no different with vegan dishes.

So let's talk the basics of this recipe.

First saute (in a dutch oven) onion, mushrooms, garlic, thyme, basil, oregano until the water drains off. Then add the marinara sauce, drained green lentils and tahini.

Ok... hold up, girl, what is a lentil and where is tahini?

Yeah, I know. I agree. I've heard of lentils but never knew what they were. They are a legume. Legume. I love saying that word. 

Just like banana. Think of the movie, The Minions. Bah Nah NAAA!! Now you get it.

A lentil is an edible pulse; an annual plant of the legume family known for its seeds that are shaped like little flat disks. These little high fiber seeds are high in protein, low in calories and have so many health benefits, such as lowering cholesterol, reducing the risk of heart disease, aiding in digestion, and stabilizing blood sugar. They contain virtually no fat and give you energy!! Why am I not popping handful of these in my mouth every hour?

Now for tahini.

Sounds like it would be a nice tropical place to visit, right?

Naw, it's at thick paste/sauce made from sesame seeds that is most commonly used in homemade hummus (which is on my list) and in Middle Eastern dishes. It's used often in vegan recipes and I know I'll be keeping it real close at hand.

Ok, enough of that. Where were we? Yes, adding lentils, marinara and tahini in the pot. 

I made my own marinara sauce, which is nothing new. Store bought sauces are full of sugar and salt so I haven't used them in years anyway. Get organic, no sodium, crushed tomatoes and add oregano, basil, garlic and jazz it up the way you want it. Just no sugar or salt. I even throw in some crushed red pepper as well sometimes.

I added in cooked organic, gluten free, brown rice penne pasta next and coated it with the mixture that's already in the pot. It's the first time I've used brown rice pasta and it isn't as firm as typical pasta but in a casserole I couldn't really tell the difference. Hubs said it had a little mushy consistency but overall, it wasn't that noticeable.

Spoon all of this goodness into a casserole dish and pour the cheese over it next.

Cheese? Wait. But you said no dairy, no cheese. Yeah, I did. Daggone it. 

I am one who loves to throw a ton of mozzarella on my pasta before I bake it and even after I bake it. But not now. Sigh.

I found this recipe for Vegan Cheese Sauce. Could I have just bought a package of vegan shredded cheese at Harris Teeter? Sure, but I'm not doing that. If I'm going to do this, I'm doing it right.

I'm not eating processed, packaged crap.

This is when things got real.

Hubs was golfing, I had every counter of the kitchen covered, every burner on the stove going and every pot in the cabinet out or in the sink to be cleaned. But I wasn't stopping now.

When I saw the ingredients for the "cheese" I was just completely defeated and knew this was going to be complete nastiness, but, damnit, I committed to this and I'm doing it!

How on God's green earth was cheese going to be made out of raw cashews, boiled potatoes and carrots, refined coconut oil, white wine vinegar, nutritional yeast, a clove of garlic and water?

Well, I was about to find out.

 I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and I licked the spoon.

You have got to be kidding me.

I picked up the phone and called my mom and exclaimed, "You're not going to believe this shit."

Now it wasn't the best block of cheddar I've ever had or an ashen goat cheese that I crave, but it truly resembled the flavor of cheese - the consistency of a sauce that you would put over nachos. It completely blew my mind. It is then that I thought, I might really be able to pull this off.

I spread this "cheese" sauce all over the top of the casserole and then bake it for about 20 minutes.

In the meantime, since I was on a roll, I decided to make the vegan parmesan because who doesn't need parmesan on top of their pasta dish?

Cashews, the vegan wonder nut, yet again, comes to the rescue.

Along with garlic and nutritional yeast, the cashews went into the food processor until it turned into a coarse meal. Completely floored. Looks just like parmesan. Doesn't exactly taste like it but it's a good knock off for what I need.

So I just made two vegan cheeses and I'm pretty amazed. Am I ready to give up cheese forever and say I don't need it anymore? Oh, hell no.  Cheese and I have had this love affair my entire life. It's going to take a lot of convincing for that to end but a 30 day break might be good for both of us in the end.

It's the end of Day 1, Hubs and I both survived. We both liked the two meals I made and I'm feeling pretty good about this challenge.

Immunity Soup

I started blogging about this recipe about a month ago but never posted it. Reading it today, I realized that this is a vegan soup and I didn't even realize it. So how appropriate now!


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I found this recipe a few years ago and completely fell in love with it! Considering it's still winter and until it gets above 70 and stays there, I won't be happy, I thought I'd share! I am an one who does not like to take medicine and will do everything naturally possible as far as healing and preventing goes. This soup is called Immunity Soup for a reason!


It is full of immunity-boosting food: Vitamins D and C, zinc,  and antioxidants in the kale mushrooms, chickpeas and garlic.  The hot, steamy broth and crushed pepper will help with flushing out sinuses and potentially warding off infection! Besides all that goodness, it's just daggone delicious too!


I like to make a huge stock pot of it and enjoy it for a few days. It usually is enough to put some in a Tupperware and freeze as well. The longer it sets, the more flavorful it becomes so I recommend waiting a day before eating it. That is if you can wait that long!


When I try a new recipe, I always go by the directions the first time. These are how I have tweaked it. Of course, after you make it you may decide to make changes as well. Just remember to keep the ingredients the same because otherwise it won't be Immunity Soup!







Ingredients:

• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 1/2 cups chopped yellow onion
• 3 celery stalks, thinly sliced (I use a potato peeler b/c it makes ribbon-like stringy slices.)
• 2 large carrots, thinly sliced (Again, I use the potato peeler)
• 1 pound presliced vitamin D-enhanced mushrooms (such as Monterey Mushrooms)
• 10 garlic cloves, minced or 2 tablespoons of minced garlic out of a jar
• 8 cups unsalted organic vegetable stock
• 4 fresh thyme sprigs
• 2 bay leaves
• 1 (15-oz.) can unsalted organic chickpeas, drained
• 1 1/2 teaspoons sea salt (if you insist. I never cook with salt.)
• 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper (I tend to use more because it has such great properties and Hubs and I like it hot!)
• 12 ounces curly kale, stems removed, leaves torn

If you want to add rotisserie chicken, it's delicious as well. However, it's quite tasty without the meat and definitely better for you!

Heat oil in a large Dutch oven over medium. Add onion, celery, and carrots; cook, stirring occasionally, 5 minutes. Add mushrooms and garlic; cook, stirring often, 3 minutes. Stir in stock, thyme, bay leaves, chickpeas, salt and red pepper. Bring to a simmer for 20 minutes. Add kale into soup; cover and simmer until kale is just tender, about 5 minutes. Discard thyme sprigs and bay leaves.

Back to Basics 30-Day Food Challenge

If man made it, don't eat it.
That is going to be my mantra for the next 28 days, but who's counting?

I love food.
I love cooking food.
I love eating food.
I love smelling food.
I love photographing food.
I love trying new food.
But, I don't like how I have physically felt or looked for going on three years now.
I refuse to have pills pumped into my body to fix things that diet can easily correct, I hope. I say "I hope" because I've tried other ideas in the past and to no avail. I do believe, though, that natural healing is the way to go and I preached it to my father during his cancer recurrences over and over. Now that I have had some continuing nagging health ailments and "other-than-good" test results lately, I have decided now is the time to make a change while I still can - before it gets worse and I don't have a choice. I will be 45 this year and, honestly, most days I feel like I'm 85.  I can't be a hypocrite anymore. I need to "talk the talk" and "walk the walk".

So on April 1, I decided to start my 100% 30-day plant based-eating challenge. Since this is a technically a food and wine blog, I thought I might as well blog about my trek through these next 30 days - the good, the bad and, I have a feeling, a lot of ugly.

In 2016, I sold my single family, four bedroom home with a decent-sized fenced in backyard, located five minutes from work. I also gave up my nearly six figure supervisory job which had immediate potential for promotion. I gave all of this up to move to the beach - a dream that I never thought would come true. Well, not only to move to the beach but to move to the beach with the man who holds my heart and with whom I'll spend the rest of my days.

After six months without a job, I was gracious enough to be hired by the County in which I live as an administrative assistant at a salary which is a 65% less than what I made previously in NoVA (the same salary when I started in local government 21 years ago) and I have to commute 50 miles a day round trip.

But I live at the beach... with the man I love. I'm not complaining. I couldn't be happier.

While I gave up a lot, I also gained much more than I could have ever imagined. Peace of mind. Reduced stress. The ability to see the ocean (and sometimes hear it if the wind is right) from my house which is a four block walk away. A calmer, laid back way of life (aside from 4 months out of the year). Being surrounded by genuine, nice human beings (for the most part).

I often referred to my move here and this new chapter in my life as going "back to basics".

In that same regard, I feel as if the 30 day plant-based challenge I have placed upon myself is following along that same path.

I'm going back to basics with my food habits and consumption.

What is my plan?
For 30 days, I will:

• not consume meat but consume fish/seafood in moderation;
• not consume dairy and eggs;
• not consume highly refined foods - such as sugars, flours and oil;
• not consume alcohol;
• center my eating around whole, natural foods based on fruits, vegetables, legumes, tubers (potatoes) and whole grains;
• not focus on eating for single nutrients but on the whole package;
• not eat processed foods;
• drink half my body weight in ounces of water daily;
• remain strong and focused on why I decided to take this challenge;
• remind myself that my lifelong relationship with cheese is an addiction and not an enduring love affair;
• focus on the good that is occurring within my body;
• think positive;
• not take personally what those who don't understand this way of life say to me;
• not fall off the wagon (It's only 30 days for crying out loud!); and
• quickly try to smack down the cravings I know I will inevitably have for a greasy steak and cheese sub, pork carnitas, or pizza.

By the end of this challenge, I hope to:

• gain a better understanding of food and the role it plays in my life;
• begin reducing my waist size and weight back to where it was three years ago;
• be able to fit into a ton of my awesome clothes that are just hanging in my closet wondering why they are stuck on hangers;
• lower my cholesterol and A1c;
• have more energy;
• reduce inflammation and pressure build up in my body;
• be able to look at myself in the mirror again without disgust;
• have a new appreciation for food;
• realize that food's purpose is fuel for the body; not a source of pleasure; and
• not regret the last 30 days of my life.

With that said, let the fun begin!

Because you loved me

Have you ever heard a song and it instantly takes you back in time? It's like you're transported back to an exact moment. You feel the same as you did then and you are truly caught up in that moment again. Then the song brings on more memories and sometimes you even have an "aha moment" as a result.  Well, that's what happened to me this morning and I was compelled to write.


It was the Spring of 1996.

I was 22 years old and I was headed to Panama City Beach for Spring Break. We had record lows on the East Coast and it was snowing when my girlfriend and I left Woodbridge, VA on our 24-hour trek down 95 South. We had never been anywhere on Spring Break and didn't want to go to Daytona or Lauderdale. We wanted to be away from all the crazies. We just wanted to enjoy the beach and get away for a while.

After we drove those 24 hours without a break down 95 and then west along the Florida panhandle, we finally arrived at what we anticipated being paradise. To our surprise, MTV decided to film Spring Break at Panama City Beach that year. Go figure. Our luck.

The first day we were there we met a waiter at a local restaurant who also bartended at Harpoon Harry's and he became our unofficial tour guide for the rest of the time we were there. The shithole we were staying in was more like a brothel and before long we found ourselves staying at our new friend's house. I had never met a stranger who was so kind and welcoming. I wasn't a fool. I grew up outside of DC. I know how people act - always a hidden motive - but he was different. Something told me we could trust him and we found out later that yes, we could.

Long story short - if you ever have the chance to see a town through a local's eyes, do it. It will give you a whole different perspective on the place. It gave me such a perspective that I decided, at the time, that I wanted to live there. I actually wanted to move there and start a new chapter of my life. I had just graduated college and was applying for local government jobs in Northern Virginia but hadn't gotten any leads yet. What was stopping me? If I was going to move, now would be the time. On top of it all, I had started falling for this bartender. He was more than just a bartender. We grew rather close. He challenged me. He was extremely intellectual yet had common sense. He was a romantic but not over the top. He actually introduced me to Tim McGraw music. "Not a Moment Too Soon" had just been released and it actually was quite fitting for our relationship. (I was young. Between high school boys, college losers and the ending of a four-year stint with who I thought I was going to marry, I was pretty much over it.) I would spend Easter with him in Panama City and we'd visit his dad in Dothan, Alabama and go by to see my old Alexandria Pastor Jay Wolf at First Baptist of Montgomery for Easter. We may have missed the service because of the time change but perhaps it was supposed to be that way because we were able to have lunch with Pastor Jay and his family at their home which was an absolute blessing.

John and I dated for about two years, I think. The first time I ever flew in an airplane was from Dulles to Atlanta on ValuJet to go visit John. I was absolutely terrified and it was the smoothest, easiest flight I've ever had in my life. We drove cross country from DC to Minnesota to visit his family who own a farm and "drive truck" for Green Giant. I still remember being up to my calves in pigshit and holding a baby pig for the first time. I couldn't eat bacon for a good year afterwards. Being a government nerd, I loved visiting the capital buildings of each state that we drove through and John would purposely take a detour so we could see them and photograph them. Abe Lincoln is my favorite president and we even visited Abe's home before he became president and his tomb which was absolutely incredible. We did all of this in a tiny Chevy S10 pickup and didn't stay in one single hotel on the way. John would visit me in NoVA. I'd visit him in Florida. That September, my friend, Amy, and I decided we were going to move to Florida. We had plans to go visit and house hunt even. But God had other plans for me. That June of 1996 is when my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and my entire world stopped. Amy moved to Florida and still lives there. I never went.

In such a short amount of time, John and I built a lot of memories. We shared a lot of dreams and made crazy plans. But this wasn't meant to be and while most of our times were good, there were some that were just overly annoying and flat out deal breakers. After all these years, I remember him and our time together fondly and that is what is most important. I can't say that about some of my past relationships....


Even after all the adventures we shared, there is still one that stands out and is what prompted me to write. During one of my visits to Panama City Beach, John and I had a simple dinner and a movie night. I can still remember it as if it was yesterday. It was 1996 and it was the movie "Up Close and Personal." Michelle Pfeiffer and Robert Redford. Michelle Pfeiffer is one of my favorite actresses and this is a fantastic love story.  I'm not a Celine Dion fan by any means. She's phenomenal, yes, I agree, but she annoys me. Anyway, the theme song for that movie was her song, "Because You Loved Me" and every time I hear that song I think about that movie. Oh, how heartwrenchingly beautiful! It makes me want to go watch the movie again right now. For the longest time, I've always associated this song with this movie, with Michelle Pfeiffer and with my time on the Gulf Coast with John. But, this morning, when I heard the song for the first time in many years, it hit me in a completely different way.... in a way that slapped me across the face hard, loud and clear.

This!
THIS!
This is what this song is about!
This is why you love this song so much!
Because it's about him!
No, not the him from 1996 when you first heard the song.
Him!
No, not the him with who you share your life and forever love
Him!
The most important man in your life!
Yes, even now.
Your hero.
Ah, yes. Of course it is.
Him!!!
It's all come full circle. That is why this song has always been so special to me.
Him!!!
I love you, Daddy.


Because You Loved Me
For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love I had it all

I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe I don't know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me

The tender wind that carried me

A light in the dark shining your love into my life

You've been my inspiration

Through the lies you were the truth

My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'cause you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'cause you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNognZzh4do#action=share