Because you loved me

Have you ever heard a song and it instantly takes you back in time? It's like you're transported back to an exact moment. You feel the same as you did then and you are truly caught up in that moment again. Then the song brings on more memories and sometimes you even have an "aha moment" as a result.  Well, that's what happened to me this morning and I was compelled to write.


It was the Spring of 1996.

I was 22 years old and I was headed to Panama City Beach for Spring Break. We had record lows on the East Coast and it was snowing when my girlfriend and I left Woodbridge, VA on our 24-hour trek down 95 South. We had never been anywhere on Spring Break and didn't want to go to Daytona or Lauderdale. We wanted to be away from all the crazies. We just wanted to enjoy the beach and get away for a while.

After we drove those 24 hours without a break down 95 and then west along the Florida panhandle, we finally arrived at what we anticipated being paradise. To our surprise, MTV decided to film Spring Break at Panama City Beach that year. Go figure. Our luck.

The first day we were there we met a waiter at a local restaurant who also bartended at Harpoon Harry's and he became our unofficial tour guide for the rest of the time we were there. The shithole we were staying in was more like a brothel and before long we found ourselves staying at our new friend's house. I had never met a stranger who was so kind and welcoming. I wasn't a fool. I grew up outside of DC. I know how people act - always a hidden motive - but he was different. Something told me we could trust him and we found out later that yes, we could.

Long story short - if you ever have the chance to see a town through a local's eyes, do it. It will give you a whole different perspective on the place. It gave me such a perspective that I decided, at the time, that I wanted to live there. I actually wanted to move there and start a new chapter of my life. I had just graduated college and was applying for local government jobs in Northern Virginia but hadn't gotten any leads yet. What was stopping me? If I was going to move, now would be the time. On top of it all, I had started falling for this bartender. He was more than just a bartender. We grew rather close. He challenged me. He was extremely intellectual yet had common sense. He was a romantic but not over the top. He actually introduced me to Tim McGraw music. "Not a Moment Too Soon" had just been released and it actually was quite fitting for our relationship. (I was young. Between high school boys, college losers and the ending of a four-year stint with who I thought I was going to marry, I was pretty much over it.) I would spend Easter with him in Panama City and we'd visit his dad in Dothan, Alabama and go by to see my old Alexandria Pastor Jay Wolf at First Baptist of Montgomery for Easter. We may have missed the service because of the time change but perhaps it was supposed to be that way because we were able to have lunch with Pastor Jay and his family at their home which was an absolute blessing.

John and I dated for about two years, I think. The first time I ever flew in an airplane was from Dulles to Atlanta on ValuJet to go visit John. I was absolutely terrified and it was the smoothest, easiest flight I've ever had in my life. We drove cross country from DC to Minnesota to visit his family who own a farm and "drive truck" for Green Giant. I still remember being up to my calves in pigshit and holding a baby pig for the first time. I couldn't eat bacon for a good year afterwards. Being a government nerd, I loved visiting the capital buildings of each state that we drove through and John would purposely take a detour so we could see them and photograph them. Abe Lincoln is my favorite president and we even visited Abe's home before he became president and his tomb which was absolutely incredible. We did all of this in a tiny Chevy S10 pickup and didn't stay in one single hotel on the way. John would visit me in NoVA. I'd visit him in Florida. That September, my friend, Amy, and I decided we were going to move to Florida. We had plans to go visit and house hunt even. But God had other plans for me. That June of 1996 is when my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and my entire world stopped. Amy moved to Florida and still lives there. I never went.

In such a short amount of time, John and I built a lot of memories. We shared a lot of dreams and made crazy plans. But this wasn't meant to be and while most of our times were good, there were some that were just overly annoying and flat out deal breakers. After all these years, I remember him and our time together fondly and that is what is most important. I can't say that about some of my past relationships....


Even after all the adventures we shared, there is still one that stands out and is what prompted me to write. During one of my visits to Panama City Beach, John and I had a simple dinner and a movie night. I can still remember it as if it was yesterday. It was 1996 and it was the movie "Up Close and Personal." Michelle Pfeiffer and Robert Redford. Michelle Pfeiffer is one of my favorite actresses and this is a fantastic love story.  I'm not a Celine Dion fan by any means. She's phenomenal, yes, I agree, but she annoys me. Anyway, the theme song for that movie was her song, "Because You Loved Me" and every time I hear that song I think about that movie. Oh, how heartwrenchingly beautiful! It makes me want to go watch the movie again right now. For the longest time, I've always associated this song with this movie, with Michelle Pfeiffer and with my time on the Gulf Coast with John. But, this morning, when I heard the song for the first time in many years, it hit me in a completely different way.... in a way that slapped me across the face hard, loud and clear.

This!
THIS!
This is what this song is about!
This is why you love this song so much!
Because it's about him!
No, not the him from 1996 when you first heard the song.
Him!
No, not the him with who you share your life and forever love
Him!
The most important man in your life!
Yes, even now.
Your hero.
Ah, yes. Of course it is.
Him!!!
It's all come full circle. That is why this song has always been so special to me.
Him!!!
I love you, Daddy.


Because You Loved Me
For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love I had it all

I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe I don't know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me

The tender wind that carried me

A light in the dark shining your love into my life

You've been my inspiration

Through the lies you were the truth

My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'cause you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'cause you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNognZzh4do#action=share

Complicated

I haven't had a taste for wine lately. What? Did I really just say that? What's wrong with me? This can't be right. I mean I still peruse the local wine shop and the aisles in the grocery store and I even pick up a bottle or three. But I'm not really eager to drink them. It's strange to even write those words but I'm just not excited about wine right now. It's not like beer or other spirits have taken wine's place. I'm not drinking those either. I'm finding that I'm drinking a lot of water, kombucha (which hubs brews at home) and sometimes green tea.  In fact, I hadn't had a glass of wine in almost a month until the vegan wine dinner a few weeks ago. Since then, I've only had a glass or two once or twice. No, I'm not sick. I guess my taste buds and body are just wanting a break.  It's complicated.


I do enjoy having a glass of wine when I'm cooking. In fact, I almost crave a glass of wine when I'm cooking and then after I drink it, I don't know what all the hype was about. That almost happened last night. It's complicated.


Sunday is usually my grocery shopping and meal prep day for the week. I plan what our meals will be and cook what I can ahead of time while I'm home from work. It's much easier than coming home after a long day, enduring a half hour commute, walking the rambunctious puppy and then slaving away in the kitchen to make a meal from scratch and still have time to eat it, digest it and be in bed by 10.  Yeah, Sundays are a free day for me and I chose to waste it away by meal prepping most of the day. May not make sense. It's complicated.


Last night, as I was adding the broccoli to the slow cooker of beef that had been becoming delicious all afternoon, I pulled the Mexican lasagna, I made and baked on Sunday for dinner, out of the fridge.  It had to warm up for about 20 minutes and I decided I wanted a light red wine to pair with dinner. Why not? It's been a while. I knew it had to be red. I knew it had to be light. But I didn't know if I had that particular combination at home. I wanted a Pinot Noir from Oregon and just about cried when I realized I didn't have one. Well, maybe a Chard would be ok because I really hadn't had one in a while and it could be refreshing. But that wouldn't work with the lasagna and it would take too long to chill anyway. Maybe I'll just drink a beer. But beer makes me feel so bloated and God knows I don't need to feel any fatter than I already do right now. Maybe I'll pour a little whiskey. No, that is more of a sipping thing to enjoy after dinner. Sigh. Why does it have to be so complicated?


Then it hit me.
Complicated.
Yes! Complicated!
How fitting!
Complicated!

Taken Wine Co. was founded in 2009 when Carlos Trinchero had a simple philosophy - to craft great wines to share with friends. Nothing complicated about that idea. The three wines he created all tie into social media and are relevant to his generation. Now, social media...... That's complicated. Trinchero's wines are named, Taken, Available and you guessed it... Complicated.

I just happened to have a bottle of Complicated on the shelf. I had tried it many years ago at my happy place in Virginia but hadn't seen it at the stores in quite a while. I happened upon it last weekend. Once again, a sign from above. Couldn't get much easier than this - when everything else is complicated, choose Complicated - a Grenache, Syrah and Carignane blend from the Central Coast of California.


I pop the cork.
I pour a glass.
I swirl.
Jammy.  Plums, raspberries
Definitely plums
Plums rolled in a hint of spice - nutmeg, maybe cinnamon
I instantly saw my grandfather, Carlton, and his homemade ginger snap cookies.
I haven't had a gingersnap cookie like his since he died in 1984.
In fact, I tried to make them once and I couldn't replicate them to save my life.
I even had his recipe.
I loved those things. I could instantly see them, smell them and taste them after one whiff of this wine.
At first sip, there was definite fruit - mostly cherry - with a bit of a tanginess at the end.
I'm tad bit concerned.
I had this wine before and really enjoyed it. Now it tastes like cherry and I do not like cherry one bit.
But that was years ago.
I was also in an interesting relationship at the time.
Well, maybe it was a relationship.
Honestly, it was complicated.
This wine needs to open. It needs to breathe.
I leave it alone for about 45 minutes and try it again.
The aroma has mellowed. There's a hint of flowers now - violets come to mind.
The taste mellowed too.
The tart aftertaste is gone.
Very light
Reminiscent of a Pinot Noir......
with a fire lit under it.
I decided to slice a few pieces of one of my favorite seasonal cheeses.
Kerrygold Aged Cheddar Cheese with Irish Whiskey
I've only been able to find it at Wegmans and only around the month of March.
If you haven't tried it and you love sharp cheddars, do it! You won't regret it.
It's woodsy. It's smooth. It's nutty. It's sharp. It's just damn yummy.
The wine even mellowed out the whiskey cheese and nothing mellows the whiskey cheese.
Again, nothing is making sense.
It's complicated.
I didn't expect the Mexican Lasagna I made to pair well with the wine.
That's not why I opened it.
But of course, me being me, I had to try it just to see.
Holy salsa, Batman!!
Hot! Hot! Hot!
The wine brought the spice out in the lasagna.
I mean really brought it out.
I look at my plate.
I look at my wine.
How can this be? I never would imagine that would have occurred.
But of course, why should it surprise me?
After all.....
It's complicated.

“There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom,

others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you

beat your head against the wall.”
― Colette, Oeuvres complètes en seize volumes

Sacral Chakra Wine

It's February 24.
It was 73 degrees in Kitty Hawk, NC today.
It's close to 6pm as I write and it's now 69 degrees.
The windows are open, I'm in the kitchen preparing side dishes to go along with the pork that Hubs has been smoking all day, and as I look to the right, I see the ocean calmly existing.
I smile.
A real smile. A genuine, deep-breath-kind-of smile.

This morning, I had my first experience with chakra balancing. You may not know what chakras are and may be thinking, oh here she goes again with this weird nature, spiritual stuff. I have been very aware of chakras and their purpose for a few years now but never had mine balanced. I didn't even know I needed them balanced. Well, I knew one needed balanced - the sacral chakra - the seat of emotions, the sense of taste, to live as your authentic self without fear, to be non-judgmental about your desires.

Let me explain a little bit so that you will understand.

We all have chakras. The seven chakras are energy centers in our body. Blockages in any of the chakras can cause health problems - physical and mental. Each chakra has a specific location up the middle of our body and a purpose; where specific types of energy flow.

Root Chakra - represents feeling of being grounded - survival issues

Sacral Chakra -  connection and ability to accept others and new experiences - well-being, pleasure, sexuality, emotions

Solar Plexus -  ability to be confident and in control of our lives - self worth, self-esteem, self-confidence

Heart Chakra - ability to love and inner peace; also where we hold grief

Throat Chakra - ability to communicate - self-expression of feelings and truth

Third Eye Chakra - intuition, wisdom and ability to think and make decisions

Crown Chakra-  - connection to spirituality and pure bliss, inner and outer beauty

A tremendous amount has "happened" in my life over the last five years but definitely over the last two years - whether it be good or bad. Physical, emotional, location changes, family, finances. Too many to truly name.

This morning, I had my chakras balanced and I cannot begin to even explain the extent of such an eye-opening, validating and transforming experience!

It began with oracle cards. 

What is an oracle exactly?

Sure, I've heard the word, I get it. I know how to spell it. But what does it actually mean?

Check out the definition and really think about what you're reading:

"a priest or priestess acting as a medium through whom advice or prophecy was sought from the gods in classical antiquity;
a place at which divine advice or prophecy was sought;

a person or thing regarded as an infallible authority or guide on something"

The oracle cards pulled were a depiction of my life, of my emotional state, of my innermost thoughts, internal battles and contemplations. Things I have never vocalized yet fit me to absolute perfection. A slap-in-my-face confirmation of what is happening and what needs to happen.



It was an extremely personal experience and as a result, I will not go into detail but some of my energy centers were blocked completely, some were clogged and some were wide the you know what open. We were able to unblock most of them but two remain closed and I have much work to do! The explanations all made perfect sense.
Afterwards, I felt such clarity. I felt a relief - physical in some aspects and emotional in others - and I made a stop at the beach to thank the Lord above, to meditate and to talk to my dad. I know that my dad is with me - he has made it clear - yet when I'm at the ocean, I feel closer to him. Our love of water, especially the ocean, was always a strong connection for us and it continues to be.

As I'm standing here in my kitchen, reflecting on my life, I'm embracing love. I'm embracing my senses. I'm embracing all that has happened in my life and I am embracing the fact that all of these moments have happened for a reason. It's all part of the plan for me. The path will never change. I can only control myself and my actions. I can't control anyone else and I need to let it go and accept whatever happens and embrace it.



This warm, February evening is something easily embraced. I feel transformed but not completely. Yet, I am grateful for the transformation that has occurred. I am aware of what I need to do; it's a matter of doing it. It's time to break away from past behaviors because they aren't working; in fact they are becoming hurtful; detrimental to my being. It's time to take a deep breath and try something new. It's time to step out of my comfort zone so I can be "me" again. It's time to just be.

How ironic, that on this same day, I come across this wine without even really looking. 

Ironic? I think not.

Yalumba Winery Y Series Shiraz Viognier

I had never seen Yalumba in the store before.

I just did the Vegan Wine Dinner the other night and we had Yalumba wines.

My favorite wine that night was the Y Series Vioginer and I bought a bottle.

This is a Yalumba Y Series Shiraz Viognier blend.

Wait a minute.

What?

Shiraz is red.

Viognier is white.

Yalumba combined these two?

Just on sheer curiosity I would have to buy this wine.

My sacral chakra was completely blocked until about 30 minutes prior to finding this wine and yep, well, here's proof that energy center is wide open now.

Trying something new. Taking a chance.

Enjoy the pleasure provided in the moment in full awareness.

In the past, I would have laughed and thought, those crazy Aussies don't know what they are doing.

But not today.

I was instantly drawn to this wine.

I didn't think twice.

While Hubs is outside becoming "all zen" with the smoker, I decide to open the bottle and pour a glass.

At first whiff, I get a hint of black pepper.

A slight smokiness and flowers

Smoke lingering over a field of wild lilacs

Burning a bit on my nose but not in a negative way

Clove

I take a sip. 

Interesting.

Nothing like I thought it would taste. 

It is much sweeter than the smell.

Tangy at first but then quickly lingers into a mellow soft flower.

As I'm trying to figure this red wine out, Hubs walks in and I ask him to taste it and tell me what he tastes. He hates this game.

He always says, "It tastes like wine."

This time he takes a sip, makes a face and says, "It tastes like........"

"I don't like it," and he walks away with a scrunched up face.

I don't like it.

A new flavor profile. Noted.

I keep prepping side dishes.

I come back 10 minutes later.

The smoky smell is gone.

The wine tastes like cherries. All cherries and no other flavors.

Reminds me of a throat lozenge and I'm not happy.

I don't like cherry.

I come back 10 minutes later.

The cherry has toned down quite a bit.

A tad hint of chocolate or cocoa is on the finish now.

I decide to try a piece of cheese with the wine.

I love cheese.

Cheese and wine are often quite powerful together.

This time, the cheese mellowed out the wine quite substantially.

There's a slight tanginess and then it's quite smooth.

This wine is getting better.

Patience.

Yep, patience.

I was just reminded of that this morning.

It's working.

(Note to self: The sacral chakra is also where energy associated with the sense of taste resides.)

While Hubs has given up on this wine after one sip, I take a deep breath.

I can't give up on this wine.

I don't want to give up on this wine.

I'm going to be patient and see what happens.

After all, that's exactly what I was led to do this morning.......