Letting go……finally

In 2003, I was married after two years of dating. I was 30 and most of my friends had long been married and had families. Some were happy; some not. Since I had waited til I was 30 I thought I was more mature and ready. Well, I suppose I was but he was not. Well, in hindsight, maybe neither of us were. In 2008, my divorce was final. It was a nasty, grueling, emotional nightmare that devastated me.  I felt as if I had failed. Failed myself, my parents, my grandparents and all that I knew to be right about love and marriage. No one in my family but my uncle had been divorced (twice) and the last thing my pride wanted was to be compared to him. Til death do us part for my parents and both sets of grandparents and great grandparents. What did I do wrong? At 35, I was starting life over….alone.

A failed marriage was disheartening enough but what made it truly unbearable was the financial devastation and legal battles that were attached.  The court approved an agreed-upon settlement and, after 13 years, I am still not receiving the determined monetary amount. Many years of nasty certified letters, lawyers, screaming, anger and disgust filled my life and my heart.  I held up my end of the agreement but he did not. I kept wondering why I was being punished.  My everyday life was still being controlled by him and I swore to forgive but never forget. Of course, like all of us, those were just words.  I didn’t forgive him. I would never forgive him, I thought.  He ruined everything. My trust in others disappeared. The rage toward dating again overwhelmed me. I could not even stand the thought of ever being in the same air space as a man I once loved because of betrayal of so many sorts.  

As years went on, I would get a menial (not even half of the legal agreed-upon amount) check in the mail and the rage would fill me up and I would hop on the victim train again.  I refused to deal with lawyers any longer because they couldn’t guarantee I would “win” and being out even more money than I already was made no sense.  So I decided I just wanted him out of my life and this petty check would make him suffer because he would have to send it every month for the rest of his life. Yeah, I was definitely bitter, to say the least.

Six years after our divorce, my grandmother transitioned and I was lost in many ways. I had always been my grandmother’s pride and joy and she was mine. I was the only grandchild and we were inseparable.  She would always slip money in my purse when I wasn’t looking. She paid for my college undergrad and grad school.  She bought a car for me and I would pay her monthly so I wouldn’t have to finance it. I found out years later she was just putting that back into another account of mine.  Sneaky devil, she was! When my ex decided to go to school full-time and not work, Grandmother would give me checks to supplement that lost income, even though I didn’t need it.  When my ex demolished his car, she bought him a new car which he sold for money after we separated. Ungrateful bastard, I thought. The list goes on and on. 

Being an only child, my mom had been keenly aware of Grandmother’s finances since her father transitioned almost 30 years prior.  But neither of us knew of an account my grandmother had with only her name and mine on it. That account just happened to have the exact amount that my ex-husband owed me. Even in death, she was still taking care of me. There are no coincidences!

It was at that point I realized this was bigger than me. Bigger than a divorce. Bigger than doing the right thing. Bigger than being the better person. Now I could truly be free of him, I thought, because regardless of getting the money I was owed from him, my grandmother took care of me again and that money rightfully owed to me was ultimately received, albeit in a different way.  I went on with my life, still angry, but not letting it run my life any longer. Well, or so I thought…..

About two years later, I received a letter in the mail from him requesting that I relieve him of what he owed me because his wife had cancer and they needed to travel to NY for trials.  The anger raged up inside of me again. Just seeing his handwriting made me sick. Knowing he hand delivered it to my mailbox was even worse because that meant he had been to my house. He knew nothing about my life or challenges or my financial or health woes. How dare he?! My dad had been battling cancer that came back three times since we divorced but that didn’t matter to him, I suppose. Nothing mattered because all he cared about was himself and his new wife-who by the way knew nothing about me.  Well, she may have but not the truth. He was sucking her dry like he did me and even convinced her to get a German Shepherd puppy- since he had “never had one and always wanted one”. (FYI- three years after we were married we got a GSD puppy btw. Needless to say, I fought to keep Prowler over everything else and I won.) I refused to relieve him of his obligation and wished no ill will upon his wife. Needless to say, that didn’t go over well but that’s too bad.  Life sucks sometimes when you’re an adult and have obligations. 

Somehow, and I don’t recall how, I found “her” blog.  It was all about her cancer journey. Being a lover of the written word and definitely personal accounts, I was definitely intrigued.  Also, having been an advocate for my dad who battled prostate cancer at that point for 19 years, cancer patients always have a soft spot in my world.  I felt for her. I wanted to help her. But I wanted nothing to do with him. I knew she had no idea I existed and I hated him even more for that.  He hadn’t changed. Only the woman he was married to had changed.

In 2016, two years after meeting my current husband, we moved out of state. Two months later, my GSD died and the following year, three days apart, my dad did.  It was then that everything changed. Remember that whole spiritual awakening thing I mentioned in my last blog post? Yeah……. (If not, here is your sign to go read it.)

Something nudged me to check out “her” blog again, which I had avoided and, honestly, forgotten all about. It was in the blog that I found that she had lost her battle……the same year as my dad, a few months prior. Tears uncontrollably rolled down my face and my heart ached.  No one should have to suffer that way. I can’t imagine going through what she did. I can’t imagine leaving my family, my business I worked so hard to build, my friends, my animals. Then I instantly thought of my ex and my heart ached for him too. Yep, you read that right. Everything changed. He is a hurt soul. He always has been and it all quickly came to my knowing. He always longed for parents who were loving and compassionate and supportive but his mom was an alcoholic and his dad was a pompous, arrogant know-it-all who came from a Belgian royal family (or so he claimed). Lots of heartache and 0 to 7 unresolved-and-shoved-under-the-rug issues. What my ex was always lacking was unconditional love. I tried my best to provide that until trust was broken and unrepairable, police became involved and the relationship had served it purpose with lessons soon to be learned. 

With the death of his wife, my hardened, angry and resentful heart burst wide open for him. All that I remembered from that point forward was the good we shared over six years time. There were a lot of great times and yet they had been replaced instantly with hatred, shame and guilt. It was then, at the realization at the death of her, that I was able to truly forgive him….and myself….. and let the chains that I self imposed for ten years……..go. We are all here as souls having a temporary human experience; growing and learning according to our soul’s purpose. He was part of my journey. I was part of his. Love is all that remains now.  Finally……that unconditional love appeared……by letting go. 

What do you mean she TALKS to animals?

Yep, that’s me. I talk to animals but it is a lot more than just talking. I listen. I feel. I connect. I have always had a love for animals and would jokingly say that I would rather work amongst them all day than most people (not really a joke). Almost 15 years ago, after completing my “mediumship training”, my teacher suggested I train to be an animal communicator. I was hesitant. Why? Well, for the same reason you are hesitant on believing anything I say or purchasing a session of mine. Because it is unknown or new to you; out of the ordinary for you. Because your ego mind is telling you it’s impossible I can do what I do. There’s no way a human can converse with animals, right? Wrong! But unless you open your mind to it (and anything new for that matter) you will always be wondering and judging and missing out.

Hesitant and with a lot of questions, I told my teacher I would think about it. When her next class opened up a few months later, I thought “oh, why not”? Nothing would make me happier than to be able to communicate with my dog, Prowler, and if that’s all that came out of it, it would be worth it. This all-day interactive training blew me away! For quite a few years (damn ego brain!), I would only communicate with Prowler but it was so incredible in itself and, in hindsight, it was building up my confidence to help others soon enough.

You never forget your first, right? Yep, same for this instance. Spencer, a white standard poodle who lived in Massachusetts with my friend’s (and boss at the time) brother. That session was more than 10 years ago and yet remains so special to me. I will never forget relaying to my friend the details of the session. He replied with a photograph of Spencer with THE exact toy that Spencer showed me. We were both blown away! It was then, at that moment, that I truly believed in myself and my abilities. (Thanks, Phil and Spencer!)

Since then, I have connected with so many animals. All of these have been remotely-meaning I connect to their energy in a meditative state through a photograph. These connections are draining-physically and emotionally. They take an extreme amount of energy and, for that reason, I need to be very careful and cautious. This goes for any connection-card readings, mediumship, animal communication, reiki. Sessions occur quickly though; messages come through quickly and often in a bombarding way. I also must cut the cords to the energy or that connection will not end and draining is not even a sufficient word for what happens then! For this reason, my sessions are either recorded or written down and emailed to the recipient. This way you also get to refer back to it anytime you want. Often, there may be things you cannot validate at the time but days, weeks, months later, you will.  In my training, we gave a classmate a photo of our animal and had to “read” them. The lady who connected with Prowler mentioned something being wrong with his leg in a very precise spot. It was not relevant to me at the time but it soon revealed itself some time later and she was spot on. This is not because she was psychic. It was because she connected to Prowler and he told her and she felt it. Animals often do not show physical signs of pain or discomfort until the disease or problem has manifested for quite a while. They like to be tough guys for us. At the time of the training, I thought this lady has no idea about my dog. I know him better than anyone. Then the tables were turned and I was doing the connections and people didn’t believe me….well, that is until they did…….

Because info comes quickly and because I have to cut the cords of energy connection after each session, I don’t always retain details of past sessions. Clients will come back months or years later and ask if I remember such and such and I do not or they vaguely jog my memory. It is not because I do not care. I just block it out. It’s called setting healthy boundaries. Rest assured, every single animal I connect with has my complete attention and love as if they are my own. Just as people do, animals also have free will. I cannot MAKE an animal come through any more than I can MAKE your loved ones in spirit come through. But in all my years, I have had hesitant loves but never had to refund a session for an animal refusing to connect.

While I may not remember every detail of a session, I don’t forget the animal. I had a cat who, during the session, rubbed up and down the side of my neck at one point. After that 30 minute session, I was doing my cord cutting ritual and my neck was itching so badly and was reddened. I immediately texted the owner and told them. Physical validation right there. I am deathly allergic to cats! With that same idea in mind, just a few years ago, I had the pleasure of connecting to a different cat who was having some health issues and I was able to alert the owner who then brought it up to the vet. Thankfully the vet was open to alternative healing modalities and entertained my feelings which turned out to be valid. I mean, I knew they were, but it’s not always easy for someone to “get it”.  That cat has since transitioned (and I also remotely aided in comfort measures as he made that transition) and has left a major mark on my journey. It was with him that my cat allergy was healed because I never had any physical reaction during my connections with him or with any other cat since.

Then there was the golden retriever whose mom frantically called me asking for my help one day while I was at work. I had never done a connection on demand but I felt compelled to that day and did so on my lunch break. I was able to connect with him as his family was driving to the vet to let him go. He gave me specific and personal goodbye messages for each of the six family members.  He showed me details of one of the daughter’s shirts which was of no relevance to me until his mom told me that was the shirt worn by the daughter whose lap he was laying on the way to the vet.

I am not a vet or a doctor. I am not in the medical profession nor do I give medical advice. But, I will relay to you what I feel with the animal. In a session, the animal makes me feel what they feel-emotionally and physically. I became a reiki practitioner in 2019 with the main purpose of helping animals. I know that threw my class for a loop when I made that announcement! Leave it to me to be different! That doesn’t mean I will not offer reiki healing to people- I have and I will- but animals are my calling.

A recent session that I will leave you with that hit my heart and still remains there is the connection I had with an Old English Bulldog.  He was very detailed in his session and one thing I remember is he told his mom that she would know when it was time (she was very concerned about how she would know). He also gave her his bucket list.  He gave me indicators of how his health was failing and his deep connection with his mom and her little daughter.  A few months later, his mom called me in a panic to tell me he was failing fast and explained how he had told her that morning. I already knew as I felt his labored breathing a few minutes prior to her message. A few hours later, I had the privilege of meeting him in person, providing him reiki and confirming what the doc would say a short time later. This was a very special connection in that he has been the only animal I have both remotely and physically met. I was honored to have hand fed him a hamburger that day……one of his bucket list items.

Having an animal communication session is not only about the animal but it is also about you.  Most people obviously want to know why their animal is acting a certain way or if they are in pain or if they are happy or their past history. What most people do not expect is for their animal to be as wise if not wiser than they are! Just because animals do not talk like humans do does not mean that they cannot communicate and feel emotions. They absorb all that their people are experiencing and feeling.  Animals will take in YOUR emotions and physical ailments and make them their own as a way to help you. When I connect with an animal and relay the info to you, I expect you to follow through with any requests of your animal. My friend and the bulldog? Yeah, she fulfilled every single item on his bucket list!

So many connections over the years. So much trust from the animal. So much love for their person. So many validations of personality. So many messages of comfort and even some of warning. 

So much love for their animals. So much trust in me. So many people who want to understand their animals on a deeper level.

So, yes, I talk to animals. I hear them. I feel them. I love them on an equal and energetic level- a soul level-as one soul to another. We, as humans are not inferior or superior to animals. We are all souls. Your soul chose to inhabit a temporary human body for this lifetime. An animal’s soul chose to inhabit a temporary animal body for this lifetime. We are all energy. We are all souls made of love and light.