Time to take back my power

Positive attracts positive.
Focus on what you want; not what you don't want.
Worry comes from fear and we need to vibrate higher - from a place of love always.
What we resist persists.
Do not give fuel to something that we fear or we will manifest it.
We have the power to heal our own bodies by addressing and healing our core wounds.
WE are in control.

I know this. I teach this. I preach this.
I have helped numerous others along these lines, almost daily. But I am struggling right now.
It is affecting me personally and I am trying to figure out why I am coming from a place of fear - a state of worry and anxiety.  I have flipped the switch. I have told myself what I tell others daily. I KNOW that everything will be fine. I KNOW that this is part of my journey and whatever the outcome is is part of the path that I have chosen in this temporary human existence. So what am I scared of? Why am I afraid? What would I tell someone else if they came to me with these concerns?

Well, I would say, "What are you afraid of? What exactly is the source of your fear? Why does this truly scare you?"  Get to the heart of the matter - the bare bones. The basics.

I am not afraid of dying. Death has never been something I have feared. But I am not ready to die. I still have so much to do and experience and share. If it's my time, then so be it, but I'd rather it not be. I do not want to leave my mom, my baby girl or my Hubs. I don't want them to mourn me at only 45 years old.

I haven't left my mark on this world yet. I am just beginning. In this past year, I have just started to share my journey and it is not only helping me to heal but it is making a huge difference in the lives of others.

Those words were written on August 8. 

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On July 12, I had a routine annual mammogram. On August 6, I had a follow up mammogram and ultrasound performed. When I got the call that a biopsy was the next step, that's when the anxiety truly kicked in. In a sheer panic, I contacted my spiritual mentor, Ilona, for help. I had been listening to my own advice but it wasn't working as well as it should. I knew what I needed to do but the fear was starting to take over and I needed to get it under control. She was the only one who could truly help me.

We manifest dis-ease. Yes, we are in control of our bodies and what happens.  Every single ailment that we have is a result of something that has not been healed. Dis-ease. That hyphen is supposed to be there. It's not disease. It's dis-ease.

I never once thought that I had cancer. In fact, I knew that I did not but my ego brain kept taking over and putting fear in my mind. The fear of "what if". The fear of the unknown. The source of this dis-ease was not cancer. It was something else that had manifested in this part of my body - the feeling of being unloved and the fact that I was putting everyone else before myself. I had done this to myself. I know I am loved. Don't you ever question that for a minute. The problem is that I am so focused on fixing/helping/healing everyone else that I am not taking time to focus on myself. I am in a work environment where I am not appreciated or respected and I am putting myself in an environment that is not aligned with love and it is manifesting inside of me as a physical problem.

So what do I need to do in this instance? Take my power back. Stop putting everyone else first. That doesn't mean be selfish. That means align with my truth and only accept things that align with me. It means stop accepting bad behavior from others. It means start treating myself the way I want others to treat me. It means stop allowing others to vent and moan and complain and talk negative about others to me. If it doesn't align with love, then it's time to walk away. Once I start taking my power back, I will be free of this dis-ease. Ok, so I got this. Makes perfect sense. I mean I can't even begin to explain to you how hard this slapped me across the face.

But that ego brain kept rearing its ugly head. And when it did, I tried my best to push it away. Leading up to the next test was difficult though. I tried to stay busy. I kept my mind off it as much as I could. I meditated, I was grateful for a body that was cancer free and I filled my thoughts with positivity. The worst part was not wanting to go through another test when I KNEW what was wrong with me and it wouldn't be anything that shows up on a test anyway. So why did I have to go through this nonsense? Well, what if there IS something wrong though? What if it IS cancer after all?

So on August 27, I had a breast biopsy done. I know there is nothing wrong with me and I even told the doctor that I knew that but let's go ahead and stick me in a archaic contraption while three different people poke, prod, compress, and stick me over and over and over for an hour anyway. The doc and nurses were actually really amazing and comforting. One actually held my hand or rubbed my back the entire time and told me step by step what was happening. She gave me hope for humanity again. My dad, grandmother, grandfather and Sheila all wrapped up in one came through in this beautiful compassionate soul named Carrie.

I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone. The physical discomfort was enormous but the emotional nightmare that was racing through my mind at the same time was even worse.

What the hell is happening? 
Why am I going through this? 
How did this happen? 
What did I do to deserve this? 
What if I have cancer? 
Daughters of fathers who have prostate cancer are more likely to get breast cancer. I know these stats but they are just stats and that means nothing. The cycle stops with me and now! Right?
If I have cancer, there is no way I'm going through chemo and I'm not having surgery. 
I don't want to be sick. 
I'm getting married soon. 
I am making my dreams of living at the beach come true. 
I am at a place in my life where I am finally at peace with everything and am truly content and happy.
What if I do have cancer though? How much time will I have? I will go even more hard core on my eating habits. I'll give up wine. Yep, I sure will.
I can't leave Nami. I promised her I'd never leave her.
Ouch, damn, that hurts. Is this over yet?
Am I ok? Of course, I'm not ok
So why is this happening? How did I even get here?

The procedure was over and then I had to wait 4 to 5 days for my doctor to call me with results. I didn't need the doc to call me because I already knew the results. I did NOT have cancer, damnit! I didn't care what they said or did to me - I just knew that I didn't have cancer. What I did have was a lot of pain and an ice pack in my bra. Fun times.  And the color pink everydamnwhere. I hate the color pink.  I cried uncontrollably on the way home. I screamed and I laughed.  I had all the possible emotions come flooding at once.  I couldn't sleep that night because I couldn't get comfortable and then that made me cry because of why.

The ego brain thoughts would surface every so often but I would squash them as the days went by. The physical pain subsided which helped and one day I woke up and actually felt good. But then something absolutely disrespectful and down right mean and hurtful happened to a dear friend of mine and guess what happened? The pain came back tenfold. That is when I knew for sure. I did NOT have cancer physically but this was a wake up call. If I didn't remove myself from the situation that was causing this dis-ease, it would soon manifest into real cancer.

On August 29 at 11:37 a.m. my phone rang. It was my doctor's office. I held my breath, said a quick prayer, took a deep cleansing breath, composed myself and answered. It was the nurse calling. My biopsy results had come back BENIGN. I thanked her profusely, hung up and cried with relief.

Now, it was time to change my life once and for all. I have received way too many signs but this one... this one... was different.  Every day, from that moment forward, I will make sure to come from a place of love and gratitude while always aligning with and speaking my truth. I AM in control and it is time to take back my power.