November blues of the heart

It's November. My mom and I have dreaded November since November 27, 1984.
Carlton H. Gorham. Her father. My grandfather. Lovebug. He died that day in Jefferson Memorial Hospital in Alexandria, VA and it changed both of us forever. He was only 64 and the doctor said his heart exploded.

I was at school in the 6th grade when it came over the loud speaker that I had an early dismissal and needed to come to the office. I was confused. As I left my classroom, I saw Sheila, my mom's best friend, and immediately thought something had happened to my mom but I was wrong. It was Lovebug and Mom and Dad were already at the hospital. My second mom had come to get me.  That was 15 days prior. He would never make it out of the Cardiac Care Unit.

I was only 11 and everyone thought I was too young to understand. I can still remember how mad that made me. I never got to say goodbye to the one man I adored my entire life. I remember walking past his room and he waved to me from his bed but they wouldn't let me in to see him. I knew how sick he was and all I wanted was to be with him but I was never afforded that chance. The day he died, I vowed to him, myself and my grandmother that I would spend the rest of her life making sure she was taken care of.  From a young age, they taught me the meaning of unconditional love. Until the day that my sweet ladybug left her earthly body, 29 years later, to join the love of her life, I made sure she wanted for nothing. There's nothing I wouldn't have done for her and she for me. It's the least I could do for him.

I didn't think November could ever get any worse. But, 19 years and three days later, it did. 

Sheila Pugh was my mom's best friend and my second mom. Sheila was always there. She drove me to elementary school every day in that green monster car.  I don't remember a day of living in Dale City without Sheila in it.  Her creativity and love of nature and animals rivals none - still to this day. She was supposed to plan my wedding. We had talked about it since I was a little girl. Because of being hospitalized with lung cancer, she couldn't even attend my wedding and I should have taken that as the sign of all signs and called it off. No, seriously, I should have, even if it was only a month prior. I remember sitting with her in the hospital telling her all about the wedding and giving her a framed picture.  I was still so naive but in time Sheila would tell me she knew all along he wasn't the one.

I remember watching the Redskins game that Sunday night when I got the call from her son. It was November 30, 2003 when Sheila left her frail, cancer-ravaged, earthly body for her heavenly wings. How could this be? How could she be gone at only 55 years old? Sheila was always a powerhouse of strength and fire in a tiny little body.  You never had to wonder what she was thinking or where she stood with you. What you see is what you get. I admired her more than any female I had ever met and even to this day, I still call on her for strength. My graceful, determined dragonfly, so much of how I look at life is because of you.

I hate November. I hate every single bit of it, especially towards the end of the month. It's like the whole first part of the month just looms over me waiting to collapse come the last week. It hits like a ton of bricks all over again. Can we just skip November? Can we just go from October to December? Better yet, let's skip Christmas too because it's not the same. But it never happens that way. The annual reminders always attack me as if I don't have enough daily ones leading up to that time.

Then it got worse. Yep. Wait. I bet you're wondering on how on earth it could get worse? Well, let me set the stage for you. 

On Labor Day 2016, my pride and joy, my best friend, my german shepherd, Prowler, and I made one of our all-time dreams come true. We moved to the Outer Banks of North Carolina with the love of my life and the dad of his dreams.  My parents had come down for Thanksgiving - our first Thanksgiving in our new home. On Saturday, November 26, we were waiting for the much anticipated Ohio State vs Michigan football game to begin.  I took Prowler out for a potty break and as we got to the middle landing of our home, his legs buckled under him, his eyes glazed over and he collapsed. Not wanting to relive that nightmare again (because I've done it enough the last two years), the next day, November 27, 2016, my heart on four feet, with his head on my arm, took his last breath. Hemangiosarcoma. Absolutely no warning and nothing I could do to save him. That unconditional love that my grandparents gave me was now being imparted to my sweet boy so that he wouldn't suffer and experience immeasurable pain. My heart went with him that afternoon.  As if November 27 wasn't already a nightmare enough, it just worsened exponentially.

The one stable force that was always with me and Mom during these unbearable losses was my dad. Even though he was just as devastated as we were with each one, he was strong and persevered. Even though Carlton was more of a father to him than his own. Even though Sheila was the sister he never had. Even though Prowler was the dog he always wanted as a child and was never allowed to have. Dad always had those broad shoulders and always took care of his girls.

Flash forward to 7:38 a.m. on Friday, November 24, 2017. After 21 years of kicking prostate cancer's ass, after the last two years of battling chemo and suffering life-altering side effects, after six nightmare days of in-home hospice, and after making sure he saw his beloved Redskins win a division home game on Thanksgiving day, Denny Moore, my dad, my hero, the first man I ever loved, peacefully took his last breath as I read Psalm 121 to him.

My grandfather, my second mom, my best friend and my dad all died within a seven-day span of each other over 33 years. With the passing of each one, the sense of loss, pure heartbreak and emptiness became deeper. 

November was never the same.

Thanksgiving was never the same. 

Life was never the same. 

And it never will be again. 

A rant that is overdue

Oh, you don't eat meat.

You just eat rabbit food.
How can you eat that stuff? I could never eat like that.

They say: Oh, you don't eat meat....

Usually,  I just give a blank stare or change the subject because they really don't want to hear what I have to say anyway so why waste my breath or feel like I have to defend my choices.

What I want to say: I eat meat. Just not every meal of every day. I eat less meat now than I ever have though. Why? Well, perhaps you haven't read any of my blog posts or any of my Facebook posts.  Maybe you don't listen to anything I have to say or comprehend anything you read. Maybe because you just don't care or just don't want to hear it. There are plenty of reasons why I have altered my eating habits. Primarily, it's because I want to live a healthier life and if that prolongs my life as well, that is a bonus. I want to physically look and feel better on a daily basis. I don't want to take medicine to combat what bad fats, dairy and meat products have done to my body. I'd rather just not consume the products that are known to cause those problems. I love a good smoked brisket. I love a juicy burger. I enjoy delicious pulled pork. I can throw down a greasy pepperoni and sausage pizza like someone is going to steal it from me.  I can splurge on a filet mignon. But, my choice is to not make that my choice. After my 30-day food challenge in April of this year, I chose to eat 90/10 whole food, plant based and that's what I've done.  To be honest, why do you even care that I "don't eat meat"? I'm not forcing you to do the same.

They say: You just eat rabbit food.

Usually, again, I give a blank stare and change the subject because I'm not sure what relevant or enjoyable conversation will come out of saying what I really want to say. If I tried to explain, you'd just make me defensive and it's not worth it.

What I want to say: It's not rabbit food. I had a rabbit as a pet for eight years. The staple of a rabbit's diet is timothy hay. I have never consumed timothy hay or any type of hay. I also don't chomp on carrots or eat iceberg lettuce. By the way, iceberg lettuce is the worst thing you can give a rabbit - it destroys their digestive system but you didn't know that either, did you? Iceberg lettuce has no nutritional value for humans either.  I like salads but my rabbit never had baby spinach as a meal and neither do I.  I also never gave him black beans or corn or tomatoes or sweet potatoes (although my german shepherd loved yams).  Eating whole food, plant based is not just eating salads. It's eating foods that are not processed. It's cutting out sugar which fuels cancer, by the way. It's eating fresh vegetables and fruit. I still eat pasta but it's plant based not processed carb loads. I still eat desserts and chocolate but it's organic natural ingredients. But aren't they gross? No, actually. I have had just as delicious chocolate desserts and there are not "bad for you" ingredients in any of the recipes! How do you eat desserts without sugar? Use dates for your sweetener or agave. You'd be surprised what healthy alternatives exist that serve the same purpose.

They say: How can you eat THAT stuff?

Usually, at this point, you can see blood starting to drip out the corners of my mouth for biting my tongue for so long.

What I want to say: THAT stuff? They act as if I am grazing on my backyard grass and sharing suet with the chickadees. I'm not really sure what is meant by THAT stuff but it's now when I realize that they have no idea what whole food, plant based eating consists of. No, I'm not vegan but it's sometimes easier to just say I am so they'll shut up.  Honestly, it's more restrictive than veganism. No, I'm not a vegetarian. I eat more than just vegetables.  No, I don't need a label but for some reason it makes them feel better to give me one - an inaccurate one.

They say: I could never eat like that.

Usually, I sigh and am about to scream at this point.

What I want to say: Never say never. I never thought I could or would either until my health dictated a change.  At this point, they're thinking, oh, look at you! You don't need to go on a diet. You weigh 80lbs soaking wet (which is nowhere near the truth, thank you). It's not a diet by any means. I also do not change the way I live to please others. I do it to feel good about myself because the last time I checked, I don't see them in charge of making me a better person - physically or mentally. But, they're quick to judge. But, I've realized why they react this way. Ignorance. Whenever they don't understand something, they decide to attack the person who is doing something different than what they are used to instead of trying to understand it. They don't have to eat this way. I don't care if they eat hamburgers every meal, chase it with a diet Coke and then eat ice cream and cake for dessert every night. I'm not looking down on them for how they choose to eat so why do they feel the need to put me down because I make different choices?

Making a choice to change the way you eat is just like choosing to stop smoking cigarettes. Food is an addiction. We are used to eating a certain way, certain foods, our entire life. Believe me, at 44 years old it wasn't easy to change. It wasn't easy at all. Ask Hubs or my mom who had to put up with my moaning and fits of rage for 30 days straight. But just like with quitting smoking, you have to WANT to do it. You have to WANT to change. You have to WANT to stop knowingly putting harmful substances in your body. You have to WANT to look and feel better. Your body is used to it. Your brain is used to it. You have to train it to perform and survive without those things. It sucks going through that withdrawal process. I know. I did it. But I am so much better off as a result. I lost the weight I wanted and continue to keep it off. My clothes fit better. My body feels better.  My blood work and health tests are also indicative of how this way of eating heals.  I will never throw a pill down my throat when I can heal my ailment by changing my eating habits.  It really is that amazing. Thankfully,  I don't have a chronic disease and I'm not severely obese. I'm not on the verge of a heart attack or a stroke. But I had just enough "wrong" that I didn't want to keep going down that road. I wanted to stop it before it got out of control and would be even harder for me to change. I know people who have lost 100lbs or more by eating this way. I know people who have curtailed their heart disease by eating this way. I know people who no longer have chronic pain because of this way of eating. I know people who have started eating this way and now are off of their blood pressure and cholesterol meds and no longer have to give themselves insulin. I know people who started eating this way and their tumors disappeared. 

If I knew about whole food, plant-based eating, 22 years ago, my dad may still be here. That right there is enough to smack me in the face and wake me up. I couldn't save him but I will do everything in my power to save me.

So, I just won't accept you putting me down for pursuing a lifestyle just because YOU don't understand it. I won't start arguments (although at times it's been difficult). But when you're ready, you let me know and I'll be happy to help you and guide you in the right direction to better yourself. 

It takes will power. 
It takes determination. 
It takes a supportive people around you. 
I don't put you down for your religious beliefs or your fashion choices or your political views. 
So, stop belittling me for your ignorance.

They say: I just don't understand why you eat this way.

I say: You don't have to. With all due respect, I really don't care what you think.

-End of rant-